Don't Be A Douchebag 101

As a New Year's gift to you all, I've decided to share an instructional series on how to not be a douchebag in 2015. It's a growing epidemic, and im hoping to stop the spread of douchebaggery with better education on the subject. 

Today's topic: don't pretend that I'm a hysterical drama queen in order to avoid the issue of your being an insensitive jerk. 

Sometimes when I'm upset because of something a man has done, I tell myself not to over-react. I wait a few minutes, take a few deep breaths, and try to phrase responses in the most calm, unprovoking way. So then it's even more maddening that I've tried to be calm, and I get responses like "I can't talk to you when you're being so negative," "yikes," "your attitude is off putting," or basically anything that blames me for having emotions instead of caring that I'm upset. 

This scenario has played out with at least three different relationships of mine. (Bonus points awarded if you can guess from my previous posts which men I'm writing about.)

The problem is ignoring your own part in the cause and effect of my feeling hurt in the first place. If I have misunderstood something and I don't have a reason to be upset, it should be really simple to explain that. But when you get defensive and tell me I'm being too aggressive, passive-aggressive, emotional or whatever fill-in-the-blank word you use, you're avoiding the issue and creating a second one. Now, we've got whatever the first problem is AND I can see now that you don't care about my feelings enough to have a real conversation. 

Many people who know me well have told me on various occasions that I am a calm and rational communicator. I don't think of myself as a drama magnet, and my goal in any relationship is clear, constructive communication. 

So it feels really unfair to be painted as some hysterical, irrational woman. 

All I really want is for you to care when I'm upset. If it was you who were upset and said something short to me, I might tell you that it sounded rude. But I'd also ask you what's wrong. It's how you communicate. It's also how you show that you care about someone. 

I'm not a resident of Stepford. I'm not some perfect robot woman who only tells  you what you want to hear. I'm a person with feelings just like you. It's not fair for you to act upset but be mad at me if I act upset. Your feelings can't be superior to mine. In fact, if you act like a jerk and your woman still acts like she's in Stepford, I guarantee you that she lacks self esteem and self respect, and you better believe she cries when she's alone. 

Moral of Today's Story:

Treat people like you want to be treated. The phrases "what's wrong?" "I'm sorry," or "let's talk about this." are your friends. Be gracious rather than defensive. I guarantee both parties involved will feel happier this way. Douchebaggery is sooo 2014....

Man-chanic

Some people are suckers for a good DIY fixer upper project. HGTV has hordes of shows about how to do this with everything from flea market junk to foreclosed houses. There is one subject missing from this slew of shows, however, and that's the one that teaches us how to fix up a man. 

Whether subconsciously or out loud, there are many women who think they can fix a man. Like a man mechanic or, if you will, "man-chanic." 

Every woman has a different level of delusion for what she thinks she can fix. There's the mistresses who somehow believe that they are helping a man out of his loveless marriage into their better suited arms. I can hear you, my readers, rolling your eyes at the mistress man-chanics! And for good reason! Any half-wit can see that a cheater is always a cheater. You are the new shiny toy, and once you have lost your new shininess, he will find another toy.

What about the commitment-phobe? Oh, he just hasn't met the right one yet! Clearly, I can persuade him to commit! That's a tricky one, man-chanics. The fact is that a commitment-phobe can't be talked into anything. He's either ready or he's not. He's either into you or he's not. Only time can tell with a commitment-phobe. He'll wake up one day and just be ready., and he will know what he wants only when he's ready.

Man-chanics like to think that they can turn a slob into a GQ cover boy, a slacker into a bread-winner, a dreamer into an achiever, a friend into a boyfriend, a boyfriend into a husband. Can it be done? Yes, but only on one condition...

Moral Of Today's Story:

Man-chanics need one thing to be successful at their fixer-upper project: true, unconditional love. Cheesy as it sounds, the only reason anyone would change is if you love them as they are instead of viewing them as project material that hasn't yet become what you want. True love brings out the best in both people and they will inevitably grow into the best versions of themselves. If it feels like you're working too hard at your fixer-upper, you are. Some projects need to be discarded to make room for true love.

I didn't know vows expired

I've always been perplexed by the concept of marriage vow renewals. It sounds romantic, I suppose, but I thought the vows lasted 'til death do us part. It's not like a library card that had to be renewed. It's not leftover food that expires and needs to be thrown out. Does anyone smell a marriage to see if it's got a little more time left before it's gone all the way sour?

In my unmarried opinion, I can only think of a couple reasons why a couple would renew their vows:

1.  Vows were broken so instead of getting divorced, the couple renews their vows with the intention of keeping them the second time around. I would whole-heartedly support this reason. 

2.  Celebrities sometimes renew their vows as a romantic gesture to throw people off the story of their failing marriage. Just like the way to spot a liar is to see who's trying too hard to convince you of something. In those cases, celebrities need to do some things out of the spotlight. Your relationship is interesting to some, but frankly nobody else's business!

3.  And the biggest reason for vow renewal:  the bride is obsessed with weddings/going through wedding withdrawal now that she's settled into married life/doesn't want to move on to husband number 2 just to have another ceremony and a new dress. I support sticking with husband number 1, however, I find it ridiculous that so many women seem to care more about a wedding than a marriage. The wedding is one day, but the marriage should last a lifetime. If you are just getting married for parties, dresses, flowers and new cookware, then I suggest you join a social circle where you can attend cotillions and formal tea parties. Marriage, from what I can see, does not usually involve caterers and formal wear on a regular basis. 

4.  Perhaps the people renewing their vows have died. They have to renew vows because as vampires and zombies the first set of vows no longer applies. I don't know what they say in place of "'til death do us part." 

Moral of Today's Story:

Say what you mean, and mean what you say- especially when you stand before God and many witnesses to declare your marriage vows. And for realsies when you sign legal documents that change your taxation status! Seriously people! If you meant what you said, you don't have to say it again. Unless you're now a zombie. 

Why Men Are Wimps

"Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them," summarized Margaret Atwood. I read this quote recently and have been mulling it over the past few days.

While I still admire the bravery of men to do many things that scare me, I kept thinking, "boys are such wimps!" A woman can go on a blind date knowing that in the worst case scenario she may be attacked or murdered, but she still goes. A man hesitates to go because he might be laughed at?!?! This is disproportionate to say the least. 

Now the likelihood of being laughed at is probably quite high, but I would hope most ladies would refrain from laughing right in your face, men. Tactful ladies should at least wait to laugh at you with their friends the next time they're gathered over drinks. But only a complete insophisticado would laugh right in your face. 

I guess I can't really relate to the fear of being laughed at. I assume people will laugh with me because of my charming, clever wit. Perhaps people have laughed at me, but I have the disposition to think of myself as hilarious so I'm ok with that. 

But back to these fears now... We women are fearful of men because they could hurt us. However, they can also protect which is why we keep risking our lives to find one such male!

There's the obvious greater physical strength that they afford, and also studies have shown that male pheromones have a calming effect on women. One of the best cures for female stress is actually a hug or a handhold from a trusted male, romantic or non-romantic. But we first have to get beyond all this "will-he-attack-me" worry. It's a rational fear when we consider the alarmingly high number of violent assaults on females in America. (1 in 5 women reported assault), but I would much rather focus on the calming, safe feeling that good men provide. It's the reason why women don't typically watch scary movies alone, kill their own rodents or open those really difficult jars. We need men to be strong for us. We need them to let us know when we're safe. And in some cases, we just need them to do our dirty work.

Moral Of Today's Story:

Ladies, while you're fending off potential predators, please be mindful of your manners and realize that your captivating beauty and charm can be intimidating to your suitors. Don't add to their stress.

Men, let's get some perspective here. Laughing burns calories, it's good for your heart, and it releases endorphins. In that light, you should be hoping that we laugh!

I've already met Prince Charming

I've come to the harsh realization that I may have already met my Disney Prince. If you get down to it, these fairy tale characters have charmed the pants off us simply with romantic singing, dancing, and what I can only assume to be one hell of a first kiss! 

Prince Charming was a spoiled, rich daddy's boy who was only looking for a wife because he needed one to inherit the crown--and his daddy made him. He probably only picked the peasant girl as a subtle "eff you" to the upper crust! And he might have had a foot fetish... I knew one of those once...

Aladdin, was a homeless, jobless, liar and a thief. Need I say more? 

Snow White and Sleeping Beauty both had creepy stalkers who liked kissing girls when they're passed out...sounds like roofies were involved if you ask me!

I think Belle and the Beast might have had the best romance because she knew he was terrible from the beginning. But then he had a "Jerry McGuire" moment when he realized she made him "want to be a better man." And in this case, she was a helluva kisser! 

Moral Of Today's Story:

Maybe the only thing we're missing from a real-life fairy tale is a show-stopping song and dance number. True love in these stories overlooks glaring flaws and obstacles and instead offers grace and acceptance. Maybe that's the real point of the tale. If you love somebody, love them with their imperfections. And by all means sing and dance with the townspeople when you find your true love's kiss! 

Maybe I'll give Taylor Swift a call

Every time people find out that I write a blog about my dating life, I get a different reaction. 

There's the "wow, you go on a lot of dates!" Yes, I do. I decided not to keep dating the same loser, which means I have gone out with subsequent losers in my search for a winner.

"I've thought about online dating once." Ok, is that the end of your story? And BTW, not all of my date stories are from online dating.

"Dating is so hard! I'm so glad I'm married. I just don't think I could deal with all you go through." No, you probably couldn't because for one thing, your mouth clearly has no filter! 

The most common response is people saying that they've heard about my blog/read one or two posts, and then they proceed to tell me, "I've been on a lot of crazy dates, too! People say that I could probably write a blog, too! Ok, I've been on two dates in my life, but the guys were really lame." First of all, it's one thing to commiserate, but if you wanted to talk about yourself, don't start a conversation pretending to be interested in something of mine. Second, if you want to write a blog, then do it. It's free, and I don't have the corner on this market. I just started writing one day, and now there are strangers in ten different countries reading about my comically-horrible relationship problems. 

A few people have referred to me as the "Taylor Swift of blogging." As in, anyone who dates one of us can expect to be written about later in some form. I was less than flattered by these comments at first, but then again Taylor Swift is laughing all the way to the bank! Maybe someday we'll share that in common! (Fingers crossed, knock on wood, any publishers want to pay me for my Good Lunch Stories book???)

Moral Of The Story:

To paraphrase Ms. Swift, Haters gonna hate. Players gonna play. Heartbreakers gonna break. Fakers gonna fake. So I'm just gonna shake it off! Shake it off! 

Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha Gonna Do

What is it about a bad boy that's so alluring? Why is there such a thrill about doing something wrong? Or for the less adventurous, the thrill of vicariously doing something wrong?

Now, I'm somewhat of a late bloomer in that I didn't go through my rebellious-wild-oat-sowing phase until my late twenties so there were no juvenile delinquents or mini thugs in my dating past. I theoretically understand the attraction of the bad boy, but I've only had one encounter with a live one. 

I had met Bad Boy for drinks and appetizers, and we had a nice time talking and commiserating about our previous retail work horror stories....And I may have been pondering how full and soft his lips looked...

Although we were having a good time, our server was probably one of the worst I've had, ignoring us for so long that we wondered if she was even going to bring us our bill. And we were sitting at the bar right in front of her!

This is the part where Bad Boy tried to persuade me to join him in a life of crime. Did that sound overly dramatic? Ok, here's what happened: 

Since our server and the other bartender were still ignoring us, Bad Boy put his hand on my knee and leaned close to suggest that we "dine and dash." I thought he was joking, so I laughed and agreed that it would be really easy to walk away unnoticed. He gestured with his eyes toward the door and asked again. This is the part where he started to see my straight-laced side because I insisted that we would not steal our refreshments by not paying for them. Rather, we would leave her a 10% tip which in my book is the worst insult you could give a server!

After (finally) paying our tab (Dutch style, I might add), he walked me to my car. Now it was cold out and his car was way on the other side of the restaurant so I, being the nice girl that I am, offered to drive him over there so he wouldn't be cold. Hindsight is 20/20, and I now realize that he thought this was an invitation to get frisky in the car.  

His lack of integrity about paying the bill was already a huge turn off for me, and then he pounced on me in the car! His lips were as soft as they looked, but I shoved him off and said "I don't kiss on the first date." Which he thought was some kind of joke, but after another awkward attempt he shook my hand and said "good night."

Bad Boy and I did not go on a second date. He texted to see if I made it home, and that was the last I heard from him.

Moral Of Today's Story:

Bad Boys may be cute and have kissable lips, but it's not worth being dragged into a life of crime - or even just questionable morals. 

Can Men and Women Be Friends?

Can men and women really be friends? This question has plagued us for generations! Some of you probably clicked on this post just to find a concrete answer, but there are very few friendships that are concrete in themselves.

Think about how many friends you've had who have morphed into something else. Friend became acquaintance because you don't see each other much anymore. Friend gets promoted to bestie status! Crush becomes friend becomes crush again. Friend becomes boyfriend/girlfriend becomes flaming pile of poop whom you wish would be lit on fire! (I mean I would never wish that on anybody. I'm talking about somebody else. You don't know them.)

Relationships are fluid. I have male friends who I am absolutely certain will always be good friends. But I also have been surprised to develop feelings or get over feelings for someone in my life. 

Moral Of Today's Story: 

Can men and women be friends? Yes, definitely! Until they can't be. But maybe later again they can be.

How To Marry Brad Pitt

Ladies, we've all been told for generations that the man you want to marry will never buy the cow if he's getting the milk for free. (To whomever decided to refer to us as cows, thank you for adding to my image complex!)

Well, obviously this rule does not apply universally because if you want someone of Brad Pitt's caliber, there is a step by step plan of action:

1. Stop being creepy! This means no more wearing vials of blood around your neck or making out with your brother in front of paparazzi!

2. Update your image. Start being charitable and go on some trips to help orphans in Africa. Nobody can talk smack about you when your comeback line is "yeah, I just built a well for thirsty orphans in Africa, and then I adopted one." 

3. Aim for the stars! Hollywood stars that is. Set your sights high. It doesn't even matter if he's already married. That is just a small obstacle, and you are definitely up for the challenge!

4. Pretend you don't want to get married. Make up some political bull honky about how you won't get married until same sex marriage is legalized everywhere. This takes the pressure off your wish-he-was-groom because he thinks you're all cool, independent, and passionately political now. Don't worry, you only have to keep this up until he finally proposes. When people ask if you abandoned your stance on marriage, just tell them you have to fly to Africa in the morning and don't have time for their questions!

5. Bide your time. Ok, so he proposed but won't set a date? That's ok, you can find something to occupy yourself. Don't have a hobby? Have a few kids! Not only will you be busy (mostly wiping noses and changing diapers), but this ensures that he's legally bound to you already so he might as well go through with getting married. 

6. Have a secret wedding! Now, if the paparazzi are a concern, a secret at-home wedding is the way to go. In fact, to be really sure news doesn't get out, you probably shouldn't even invite your whole family. Father of the bride? Eh, he'll  just find out when the story breaks. No biggie. 

Moral Of Today's Story:  I'd rather be a Jen than an Angelina. The winner is not always the one with a trophy husband and kids. I'd rather be a lady of character who can make simple statements like "I never stole anybody's husband." Or "No, I've never made out with my brother." 

Call me old-fashioned, but I'm a Jen. 

Passive-Aggressive Is The New Black

A few months ago, I thought being dumped in a text message was offensive, but do you know what's worse than that? Not even getting a text message, that's what! 

I've been a little frustrated with The Boss lately because he's been too busy to meet my friends, see me more than once every week or so, and now apparently he can't be bothered even to reply to a text message!

The past couple weekends he's had flimsy excuses for not coming to get together's with my friends. This past weekend he had said he'd let me know later in the day if he could come since he wanted to work on some work projects. Well, he just flat out ignored my message later. Twenty-four hours after that, I still had not heard from him. Rude! 

So I texted him and he explained about some work issues that kept him busy. I refrained from ranting about how I feel he needs boundaries for his work/social life balance and how he probably just shouldn't check emails and things on Saturday night! 

Instead I told him that it was hurtful for him to ignore me and that I felt he should at least respond to me to say he couldn't hang out with me after all. It is three full days later and I haven't heard a word from him! So all I can assume is that he is passive aggressively breaking up with me. (Either that or he's going to act like it was no big deal and want to hang out whenever he finds himself with free time. 

In which case, perhaps I will passive aggressively break up with him.)

The bar for the men I date has gotten so low. All I'm asking for is that you care that I'm upset, and that if you are the one who made me upset then you apologize-in a timely and appropriate manner! That sounds pretty basic, right? 

After all the crises and work problems I've helped him talk through and work out, he doesn't have five minutes to show some reciprocity to me! 

Moral Of Today's Story: If you care about someone, you have to show it. I won't believe your words anymore when your actions don't line up! This just in:  passive aggressive is so last season!  

Grumpy Old Men

Deep down - or sometimes not so deep down - inside every male lives a grumpy old man. The voices of Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon rumble in a man's head telling them the way things ought to be. The older and/or grumpier the man, the more likely it is for you to hear these voices out loud.

The Boss is often a grumpy old man. He doesn't even deny it. He tells me he's too old to sit on the ground instead of a chair. He's too old to stay up all night. He's too grumpy to put up with shenanigans from co-workers. (Although, he's not old enough to use the word shenanigans. That one probably came from me because I have an "old soul.")

He likes to jokingly mutter things about "oh, you women." He tells me that my lipgloss when I kiss him feels like he's been eating greasy chicken. (Not that it stops him from wanting a kiss.) He refuses to drink any sort of pink cocktail even though I told him it's delicious! Apparently, all pink drinks are "girl drinks" and food that doesn't contain meat is "girl food." He is surprised when he likes a movie or tv show that I want to watch, and he tells me each time that "I didn't think I would enjoy that, but it was pretty funny."

I don't know why he's surprised that I have good taste. Yes, I like girly things. Yes, I texted him when I thought Ezra's character had been killed on Pretty Little Liars. And sometimes I forget who I'm talking to, and I exclaim things like, "Have you ever seen such a gorgeous yellow teapot?!" To which, he looks at me like I've lost my head. On second thought, nevermind. I think I understand why he doubted my movie selections.

As I'm considering what a grumpy old man The Boss can be, I realize that I have the voice of a nagging old lady in my head. Somewhat of a "Marie Barone," if you will. I nag him to eat his vegetables or sometimes I throw out his low quality food - you know, things with high fructose corn syrup or MSG. I may have offered some constructive criticism of the way he was drying his dishes, but I'm just trying to help!

Moral Of Today's Story:  It's possible that in looking for someone to grow old with...I may have just grown OLD!  As long as you're with someone who recognizes your good intentions and appreciates the honest give and take, then it's not a bad thing to be a couple of Jack Lemmon's and Marie Barone's.

Quit Playing Games With My Heart

I had a discussion with a friend this week about relationship games that men and women play. Apparently, he had been given some advice by a male friend of his who happens to be married that he should play more games, such as playing hard to get. This married man literally told my single friend that he should "treat women like crap, let her know she doesn't mean as much to you as she thinks, and put her in her place!"

How romantic! I hope somebody will put me in my place! I love being treated like I don't matter! 

Now, I have said it before and I will say it again: most people who get married just got lucky enough to find the right person at the right time. Most do not possess greater knowledge or skill than the average single person. Therefore, be aware from whom you are getting your advice. Marital status alone is not a qualifying credential! 

Let's consider some of the common games we play. There's hard to get, making someone jealous, seduction, crying or pouting to get your way (Men, leave this one up to the ladies. It's just better that way), tough guy, monosyllabic and emotionally unavailable, silent treatment, phone chicken (when you wait and see which one of you will give in and call first after a period of silence or a fight).

The thing about these games is that you don't  actually want anyone to know you're playing. It's all about emotional manipulation. But what some of us fail to recognize is that even if you try not to play games, the results are inevitable. 

Women will always get upset and cry about things that are baffling and nonsensical to men. We ladies don't have to try to be sensitive because we were just born sensitive. Likewise, men will very often seem emotionally distant or like they're trying to act aloof. They're not acting! They are aloof, and they don't have the emotional needs that most women have. 

In the 1990's, there were a couple ladies who wrote a best-selling book on this topic called "The Rules." The Rules were everywhere -- on talk shows, in magazines, every college girl working on her MRS degree had a copy! You might even remember it being referred to on episodes of Sex And The City. They went on to write consecuive installments in The Rules series. The latter books talked about the emotional games used to keep their husbands once they found them. One of the authors got divorced during the time they published "The Rules for Marriage: Time-Tested Secrets for Making Your Marriage Work." Isn't that ironic?

(Side note:  The song "Ironic" by Alanis Morissette came out the same year as "The Rules.")

Moral Of Today's Story: In the words of the Backstreet Boys, "quit playing games with my heart!" Emotional manipulation happens as a part of nature. You don't have to add to it with excessive rules, theories and plays. If you're being genuine and communicating respectfully, that's good. If it starts to feel like you're strategizing your emotional takedowns... Then you may want to consider taking up a competitive sport instead. 

Schrödinger's Text

In 1935, Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger proposed a thought paradox in which a cat is placed in a box with poisonous gas (or if you use Albert Einstein's suggestion, a keg of gunpowder). Until you open the box, the cat is both dead and alive. You are living in a mental state of duality even though you know it's only one or the other as a possible outcome. The cat can't really be dead and alive, but until you know for sure you have a duality.

I have never put a cat in a box with poison or gunpowder, but I have experienced a duality of thought. Am I mad? Or am I worried? Right now, I'm both!

When a certain man has been known to get very busy with work or other important things, sometimes he doesn't respond to phone calls or texts immediately. That's cool. I understand. However, said man always responds or reaches out within a reasonable amount of time - let's say within a few hours.

Now that it's been over 24 hours, I don't know if I should be worried that something terrible happened like the random shooting I heard about on the news, meaning he could be injured and lying in a hospital bed right now! Or slightly more mild, perhaps meetings went terribly at work and he's been up working all night! Or maybe his phone was stolen and he can't get a hold of me! Note to self:  must refrain from sending selfies until I confirm that a stranger does not have his phone...

On the other hand, in the 24 hours he's been without contact with me he could have met some other girl and decided he never wants to speak to me again! Maybe he just doesn't value me and therefore feels no need to respond to me - not even to let me know he's ok! Rude! Worst of all, perhaps he's been lying to me all along and he's married! He's probably canoodling with his wife right now!

Moral Of Today's Story:  ASSUME THE BEST! The cat could be dead. The cat could be alive. Try not to over-react until you know which reaction is appropriate. 
I'm hoping to open a text or receive a call soon that tells me which emotion is correct: mad or worried! But until then, I am just going to assume the best. Maybe I can put a cat in a box to distract myself...

What's your status?

If you watch movies or tv, read magazines or have even a moderate social life, then you are aware that this present day and age has been defined by the confusing state of our relationships. We've established a "hookup culture" that often leaves people emotionally stilted and unable to form real bonds. We also have a "hangout culture" where people can spend time together in undefined terms until one of them decides to cross the line into either commitment territory or hookup territory. We have such fluid states of relationship that nobody ever knows what's going on. Are we dating? Courting? Hanging out? In a relationship? 

There are some people who ask "what's the difference? Aren't those all the same?" And that's the tricky part. Yes, they could all be the same. But sometimes they're not. 

Courtship used to be clearly defined and even chaperoned. Now I'm certainly not asking for any chaperones on my outings, but I bet a lot of people would enjoy clearly outlined relationship objectives. 

The problem is that there is a period of time where both parties are unsure of exactly what they are and what they want. The not knowing is part of the mystery and the energy between couples. It adds to the flirtations, the intrigue and the daydreamed visions of all the possibilities. So maybe not knowing is actually a good thing...for a short while at least. 

Moral Of Today's Story:  If you want clear definitions, have a conversation. But if you realize that you're still figuring out how you feel/what you want, then keep on enjoying the thrill of the game. And when someone asks  "Are you dating? Courting? Hanging out? In a relationship?"  Just answer "yes."

Glad That Wasn't My Date

A few days ago, I was chillin'with The Boss at his place when we caught some live entertainment. And this time it was not the people in the Penthouse across the street who have no curtains...

Some of you may have heard the news that the next season of Cops! is going to be filmed in Omaha. Well, we caught the live show of that.

While standing by the balcony enjoying this unusually cool July breeze, The Boss and I spotted a couple walking down the sidewalk directly across the street from us. They were arguing loud enough that we could hear the gist of their disagreement seven floors up! Something about the woman walking away and something involving a daughter they have. As the woman kept trying to walk away from the man, he kept blocking her and eventually shoved her against a brick retaining wall. That's when The Boss called 911 to report the domestic disturbance. 

We watched the couple continue to argue and shove at each other as we silently prayed the cops would arrive quickly.  What seemed like ages later (but was probably five minutes), two officers came bounding over on foot from the nearby park where a live music event was happening.

 

They separated the couple and questioned them individually. In another moment a squad car pulled up. Then another squad car arrived. Then a fire truck, and eventually an ambulance appeared. The man was shackled in the back of the first squad car, and the woman was encircled by no less than 10 civil servants! She clearly was enjoying all the attention as she showed off her bruises to all the officers, firemen, and EMT's.

The Boss turned to me and said "There's your Omaha tax dollars at work! In Chicago you only get this kind of turn out for a shooting!"

We tore ourselves from gawking and decided to go enjoy a local Nebraska delicacy, Runza! Too bad we gawked so long that Runza closed for the night.

So on The Boss's Omaha bucket list we checked off "call local police" and "witness domestic disturbance." So we're probably just down to seeing the Henry Doorly Zoo and Runza before he heads back to Chi-Town. 

Moral Of Today's Story:  I'm so relieved that in all my "good lunch stories" nothing violent has ever happened to me. Real men don't hit. End of story. If they do, kick 'em in the junk and run away. 

Secondly, Runza closes earlier than other fast food places. So when you want to go on a Runza date, don't waste all night gawking at scene makers!

Stupid things men say

"I see you're wearing a scarf. Is that to tie me up tonight?" [Wink, wink]

No, dude, it just goes with my dress! I wear accessories not sexcessories! 

"Have you lost weight? You look great! Just think how much better you'll look when you lose the rest of the weight!"

Excuse me, I have to go cry now.

"I'm just not feeling the us thing right now." [jn a text]

Just say it to my face, dude. Oh that's right, you were too busy trying to kiss me when we were face to face a few hours ago. 

"All my friends are getting married, but I just haven't found a special girl yet."

Um, thanks for making it clear that I'm not special to you. 

"Why is a great girl like you single?" 

I know you think this sounds sweet, but in that question you are trying to figure out what's wrong with me. That's ok because I was going to ask you the same question to figure out what's wrong with you. :)

"The Holy Spirit told me to break up with you. I just feel like we're unequally yoked and our visions don't line up and I'm kind of more into blondes right now."

It's ok to break up, but don't blame the Holy Spirit for all of your decisions

"Is your friend single? She's hot!"

Yeah, but she's pretty busy with court appointments after she murdered her ex.

. 

We're dance partners, if you know what I mean...

Every blind date has some initial awkwardness. You make small talk about how you both know the person who introduced you to each other. You talk about the good food selection at the restaurant at which you've found yourselves. And after the mandatory get-to-know-you's, you hopefully start to feel a camaraderie and conversation flows without the stilted feel of an interview. 

I lived this experience a few days ago when my good friend had to work a 24 hour shift and asked me if I could entertain her longtime friend who was visiting from out of town. We had a nice evening of dinner, swing dancing, and later watched a movie. Now, you might think this sounds like a very romantic first date, but in fact it was not romantic at all. One very important factor was missing: the fact that this new friend is not a man. We are two women who very much like men. (And I know some of you are wondering about The Boss right now. Don't worry, he's still in the picture, but we'll talk more about him another time.)

There seemed to be a little confusion about our preferences, however, when we went dancing. Mary, my new friend/blind date for the evening, loves to swing dance and had already looked up a place we could go that night. She told me on the way there that she might practice the man's dancing part during the lesson to build her skill for when she teaches other people to dance. 

When the lesson began, Mary lined up with the men as there were fewer male dancers than women anyway (typical of most dance lessons). A new male offered to take her spot in the men's line as I was walking to the ladies' line to be across from her. She responded to the man "no thanks, my partner is here." I knew she was referring to me as her dancing partner, but it didn't sound like it in that statement. I should also mention that our choices in attire added to the confusion because I wore a skirt that night and Mary wore shorts and a button down shirt. At that point, it must have seemed to him that I was the girly one and Mary was the butch one. The man looked both Mary and me up and down and said in a voice of understanding, "oh, ok."

After the lesson ended and open dancing began, I got asked to dance several more times than Mary. I guess the men weren't sure if they would get to lead if they asked her. That could be awkward if they don't know the ladies' part. 

After a short while dancing, we decided to go watch a sad movie and cry our eyes out instead. Then I drove Mary back to our friend's house as we acknowledged the similarities of our night to a blind date. 

Moral Of Today's Story: Sometimes people put in a lot of effort towards dating, but they don't make the effort with new friends. Don't save your best socializing just for romantic interests. I started the evening with a stranger, but I ended it with a new friend.

Oh, and if you want to be clear that you're not into women, perhaps you let the men lead the dancing. 

The Boss

I recently read a blurb in "Cosmo" about how all the Hollywood ladies are dating CEO's of web startups now so, likewise, anybody who wants to be true to trend should find an ambitious web-ster to date. It's true that nerdy/geeky/smarty-pants is the new haute/hot, and this summer, I guess you could say, I'm taking my cue from Hollywood.

I've only been out with "The Boss" a few times, but there is a definite chemistry. I've previously mentioned my affinity for men with power, ambition, and authority. I'm attracted to the focus he has and the fact that his windows, walls, and even a waterproof notepad in the shower are covered with random notes of genius that could occur at any moment. It makes me think that I should keep more writing utensils and sticky notes around the house for all my great ideas - you know, the ones that I forget by the time I walk to another room with a notepad....

The Boss also gives professional grade shoulder rubs. I've told him that he could have a fall-back career as a massage therapist if the CEO thing doesn't work out. 

The bad news is that The Boss is only in Omaha for the summer, and in September he's headed back to Chicago. So this relation-ship could be smooth sailing for any length of time or it could be the Titanic, destined to crash and sink. 

Moral Of Today's Story:  You always run the risk of crashing and sinking when you get on any ship, but who wants to be stuck on the shore for your whole life? And let's be honest,who doesn't want to sail on the Titanic? When you have the chance to ride on the Titanic, you go. 

Too Good To Be True

In the third grade, I had a huge crush on the new boy, Mitchell Blake. He was so dreamy. He had curly blonde hair, he had a cute smile, he could wiggle his ears without using his hands, and he knew how to break dance. 

I probably interacted with him as much as most 9 year old girls with a crush, which was seldom at best, but I talked to my friends about him all the time. Whenever we played games like the one where you say the alphabet when you twist your apple stem off the apple and have to say a boy that you would marry whose name started with that letter, I always tried to make it to the letter "m" so I could say Mitchell's name. 

One day at the end of music class, I was sitting in my row waiting for my turn to put my green music book back on the shelf when Mitchell Blake himself walked over to me and said four amazing words! "I like you, Bente."

I was stunned. He couldn't be serious. It was exactly what I wanted to hear, but it felt too good to be true. I looked around to see if other people were in on the joke, too. Thinking it was a joke, I did the worst thing a girl could do to a boy. I laughed. His face fell, and then I realized that this wasn't a joke. He really did like me! But now I'd ruined everything! He turned to walk away, and I stammered to say something. I tried to get him to wait or come back, but it was too late. I had crushed my crush. Now I felt crushed. 

I still think about my would-be-elementary-romance sometimes. I don't know how or why my 9 year old brain had already started to think I wasn't good enough to get the guy I wanted. I don't know who taught me to fear the worst and shun the best. I think that somehow if young girls are not specifically taught to be confident, they become insecure by default. 

Now, I'm not saying that I missed out on the love of my life in the 3rd grade, but I know that insecurity in my life has probably held me back in ways of which I'm not even aware.

Moral Of Today's Story: Assume the best. Assume that people have good intentions, that they are not out to trick you or hurt you. Be confident that when the dreamboat you've been crushing on finally declares his feelings for you, it's true. Very few people are truly malicious enough to hurt you on purpose, but many would love the chance to love you. 

Shopping

When people find out that I write a blog about dating, I very often hear statements like "Wow! You must go on a lot of dates!"  While it's true that I go on a lot of dates, it does not mean that I am in as many dating relationships.

When a woman says she spent the day shopping, the normal follow up question is "What did you buy?" Or perhaps, "Did you buy anything?" 

When I go on a date, I am shopping for a man I'd like to keep. This isn't bargain hunting where you buy a bunch of crap you don't need because it was 75% off plus a coupon on top. I am not collecting men who will hang in the back of my closet but never be taken out. I do not look for the right size man and take home one in every color! 

When I shop for a product I wish to purchase, I might ask friends for referrals, I often look online for more information, and when possible I definitely want to see it in person and experience it for myself. I will not know if someone or something is right for me without at least one experience, and in many cases I need several experiences to know. 

I am shopping for one man who is especially high quality to last for years. I need him to be versatile, multi-seasonal, able to be dressed up or down, goes with every outfit I might wear and to every occasion I might go. This type of high end man is a big investment, but definitely worth the price tag. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I shop around.

Moral Of Today's Story:

It pays to shop around! Don't settle for the bargain bin just because you didn't peruse the whole store. 

And when you are shopping for a mate, I do believe that calling it a date is the best way to let both parties know you have the same end goal in mind. Don't leave room for ambiguity by calling it something else like "friendship" or "hanging out" or the one I hate the most "non-date!"

The Other Radar

Have you ever had someone who just won't let go of your heart strings? He can't seem to commit or be there when you really need him, but every time he does the slightest thing - like texts out of the blue, gives you a great compliment, calls, or anything - you want to drop whatever you're doing to connect with him. Ten other men could tell me I'm beautiful, but I still want to hear it from him. My Heart String has been stringing me along for two years. He doesn't seem to know for sure if he actually wants a relationship, but then he tells me I'm the only one he's interested in romantically. I usually don't write about things I don't feel like I understand, but I don't know if I'll ever understand Heart String.

If you've read even one or two entries on this blog, then you know that I have had a lot of "good lunch stories" but not so many good dates. The last time I had a good date, the relationship ended within a few weeks when he chose to break up with me through a text message. (See "From Post-it's To Texts," May 2014) When I came home from a great date with M, Heart String must have sensed something in the atmosphere with his radar because he contacted me that night and we talked and he said he still had feelings for me. I felt like I was at the plot twist in a romantic comedy. It always happens that when you think the girl has moved on to another guy, the old flame reappears and you don't know which guy to root for!

Heart String and I started talking more and getting reacquainted. I wanted to be open with M so I told him that I was talking to both of them, and he was ok with that. Meanwhile, for some reason the stars never aligned or Heart String didn't seem to have the time for quite a while to see me. Well, things ended with M, and I still hadn't actually seen Heart String even though we were in contact several times a week. (I had a very close relationship with my iPhone at this point! Technology-only relationships may be a future topic on here.)

Every time Heart String suggested something for us to do, I somehow knew it wouldn't really happen. And guess what? It didn't.

I'd still been talking to to him, but I could almost physically feel the fact that I was on the back burner when it came to his priorities. I started talking to a new guy last week, and we actually had two pretty great dates. Well, Heart String and his magical radar must have sensed that I could be moving on! He texted during my date to see if I wanted to get together. I saw his message when I got home later, and I responded then. When he asked what I had been up to that evening, I felt conflicted. Like I was cheating or something even though the relationship I'd been in was truly only with the screen of my iPhone. I told him that I'd had feelings for him for a long time, but it was clear to me that he didn't want anything real with me. He disagreed, but not enough to fight for me. He said he could appreciate the irony of the fact that I was out with another man when he was asking to see me (finally).  

I don't have a moral of today's story. Today, I only have the hope that if my new guy (whose blog name I haven't yet decided) gets a hold of one of my heart strings, then he'll treat it nicely. I'm tired of sitting on the back burner like a pot that rarely gets stirred.

Oh, and I also have the question of Heart String's radar. How does he know when I'm on a good date? One time was a coincidence, but two times is uncanny!

Radar

We always hear a lot about women having intuition, which I can verify is true. Men, however, have their own types of intuition that I like to call radars. They have a primitive animal instinct where they act on their senses without thinking it out and talking it out like women do based on their intuition. I don't know if these things are ever discussed - perhaps at the secret man cave meetings, but I think that when the radar goes off they all just know things and assume everyone else knows, too.

I've experienced a couple types of radars, and I'll tell you about one of them today. The first is one that I heard about through urban legend/one of my besties. Similar to the saying "once you go black, you never go back," she told me that once you show interest in or go out with a black guy then all the other black guys know. I thought this was kind of silly at the time she told me. How would anyone just know instinctively who I'm dating or open to dating? I always thought people are people. I never set out to look specifically for any ethnicity. I'm just looking for attractive, kind men. But at this point now in my experience, I would have to say that some guys must have a more finely tuned radar.

The first time I ever went out with a black guy, we were still in pre-date texting the week when all the other dudes came out of the woodwork! I was at a seminar for work and the only black guy in the room started flirting with me. I went to run errands and all the black guys in the stores were hitting on me. The lone black guy at the gas station stopped to tell me that I smelled like an angel. What happened? Did I flip a magic switch?

I texted my bestie and said "all the black guys are after me!" She was not surprised because she had been in several inter-racial dating scenes. She told me that's just what happens because they all think they have a chance with me now.

I was still a little confused about this phenomenon so I asked my guy friend who happens to be black about it. He said that "Yeah, it's just something you sense. You know if a girl only dates guys of her race or not." Honestly, he seemed a little surprised that I would ask such an apparently stupid question. Clearly, he operates on finely tuned instincts that do not even need to be discussed.

Well, some of you may be wondering what happened with the guy I went out with. We went on a few dates that actually went pretty well until his wife called me and asked me why my number kept showing up on her husband's phone. So the poo hit the fan, and that was the end of that! This was the first of, unfortunately, many times that I've had to state, "I do not date married men." Not once I know that they're married anyway.

Moral Of Today's Story: Everybody has some level of intuition or radar. Learn to tune yours in to the important things. For example, I am much better at figuring out if dudes are married when they ask me out now. You can also gain a much more accurate sense of who in the room is checking you out and who is open to approaching/being approached. In the words of Dr. Spock, "Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do."

Reading Between The Text Lines

There are many times that we women read into things that really should be taken at face value. This is especially true of communication with men. Men, unless they are purposely deceiving or manipulating you, will say what they mean. Men do not have the word games and mind games that women have concocted. That being said, there are some instances where men do not state everything on their minds. So here are a few insights into what that text or statement might really mean.

Text:

"Good morning, beautiful!"

His thoughts:

"I woke up and immediately thought of you."
                 -or-
"I think you're beautiful."
                 -or-
 "I'm currently picturing you naked."

Text:

"Hey"

His thoughts:

"I don't know what to say, but I wanted to connect with you."
                 -or-
"It's been a while and you're probably mad at me so I'm venturing to communicate by just saying 'hey.'"
                 -or-
 "I'm currently picturing you naked."

Text:

"I'm so sorry I didn't get back to you. I misplaced my phone and couldn't find it until late last night!"

His thoughts:

"I was out with another girl, but I want to keep you both as options. Losing my phone sounds plausible. Yeah, I'll just say that's what happened."
                 -or-
"OMG, I really did lose my phone, but it sounds so fake! She's going to think I'm lying! Arg!"
                 -or-
"I'm currently picturing you naked."


Text:

"We should meet up for coffee or a drink sometime."

His Thoughts:

"I wonder if she prefers a latte or a macchiato. Maybe we'll try that new coffee shop"
                 -or-
"I don't necessarily mean anytime soon. But I'd like to string you along and have my options open for a while."
                 -or-
"I'm terrible at scheduling, but maybe she has a good suggestion for time and place."
                 -or-
"I'm currently picturing you naked."



Text:

"What are you wearing?"

His Thoughts:

"I'm currently picturing you naked."


Moral Of Today's Story:
You don't always know what someone means when he writes behind the mask of his phone. Assume the best. Most often, guys say what they mean. Just be aware that there are, unfortunately, some guys who don't have honest intentions. Trust your instincts. You know more than you think you do.

Mr. Checklist

I went on a coffee date recently with a man who was very preoccupied with how many "points" he was getting and how many "boxes on the checklist" he was marking. They were fair questions, and I've been asked similar things before - just maybe a little less so from some others. 

I told him that I used to have a checklist, but I threw it out after I met a few guys who checked all the boxes. On paper, they made perfect sense, but in reality I just didn't feel a spark. Maybe the criteria I'm looking for can't be measured only with paper. (Oh look, an argument against standardized testing. Wait, that's not what this blog is about...)

I literally did have a paper checklist. Some of those so-called "experts" who write dating books have suggested writing lists of what you're looking for in a mate. I even recall writing lists as a group activity in my dorm devotions during my freshman year. (This would, again, be the influence of a confused Christian society. Darn that Joshua Harris!)

While knowing what you must have and what you simply cannot live with in a mate is necessary, there are intangible things that couldn't possibly be written on paper. 

Mr. Checklist was a nice guy although perhaps a little too eager to please. When I turned down his offer for a second date, he asked if I would tell him what he could have done better so he could learn for the next time. I told him he didn't do anything wrong, I just rely on my intuition over lists anymore. There's just a chemistry that you either feel or you don't feel. There's no way to fake it. Good chemistry is an immediate and illogical sense that you already know someone and you are completely comfortable being yourself with him. 

I used to have the philosophy that if I just took more time to get to know someone, then I could perhaps develop feelings of chemistry. I can't. Maybe some people can. But for me, I usually know right off the bat - even if it is sometimes in retrospect when I realize I knew all along. 

Moral Of Today's Story: Use your checklist as a starting point - perhaps even a pre-screening questionnaire. But when you're with him, listen to your instincts. Do you feel illogically and irrevocably connected? Good. That's chemistry. Or in the words of Carrie Bradshaw, it's "the zazazu!" 

The Real Non-Date

I've mentioned the non-date phenomenon before (see Christians Who Mingle) and how some people use that term basically for fear of rejection after a real date. Well, if you're really on a non-date, you simply think -and call it- that you're hanging out. Nosy Nellies who are observing may want to put labels on things so maybe that's where the "non-date" originated. 

Recently, I attended a wedding unaccompanied. I knew I would be hanging out with some single friends in the bridal party at the reception so I didn't worry about bringing someone for the sake of bringing someone. 

One of my guy friends who was unattached at that time was also there so we mingled together and we were seated at the same table. Suddenly strangers and vaguely familiar acquaintances wanted to know how long we'd been together. Where did we meet? Someone I just met told me that my friend and I would have beautiful red-headed children together! That's not too personal at all! And people I'd met several times before but had forgotten me now wanted to introduce themselves to me because apparently now I was important! (Clearly my friend is much more memorable to this crowd than I was) 

Later in the evening I was talking to a few friends about a date I had scheduled in a couple days. I could see the Nosy Nellies looking perplexed as they eavesdropped. They must've wondered if I was just so liberated that I feel at ease talking to all my boyfriends about my other boyfriends!

Don't be silly. My boyfriends don't know about each other unless they ask. 

This situation reminded me of my freshman year in college when I had a guy friend in all the same classes as me. We got to be good friends, which was nice since I would have had to see him all day anyway. And truthfully, I did have a huge crush on him, but nothing ever happened. The strange thing was that people were always asking me what was going on between us. "Are you dating? Is he your boyfriend? You're always with that tall guy. Is he your brother or your boyfriend?" I guess that person thought there were only two options for male roles. 

I would have expected my friends to be nosy about our status, but not strangers on the sidewalk. 

Moral Of Today's Story: If you don't know someone, then you probably don't need to ask about their relationship status. Especially mine because my life is pretty much just an open blog now. Seriously though, it comes across like you're a creepy stranger when you walk up to someone and start asking personal questions without so much as a "how do you do."

The Interview

First dates have often been compared to job interviews and vice-versa. When you prepare for a job interview, you think of what you want out of the position, expectations, and things you're willing to sacrifice for a great job. When I go on a date, I often think about the same things. Positions-well maybe I don't think about that one on the first date- expectations, and sacrifices I'd be willing to make for a great relationship.

For both occasions,you carefully choose what you'll wear, consider the message the length of your skirt sends, and find the right balance of not too much makeup and not too little. On the interview you hope to look competent, professional, and intelligent. On a date, you hope to look attractive, sexy-but-not-slutty, and again intelligent.

Job interviews and first dates have a long list of similarities when you start to think about it, but hopefully the date is more fun than the interview. For one thing, having a drink is usually not acceptable on an interview but more than fine on a date!

When I met Hair Gel, I was rebounding from Mr. Nice Guy (see previous post). I had a hard time remembering his name even at that time, but I will never forget the scent of his hair gel that so thickly coated his hair. 

I met Hair Gel at Starbucks and he gave me his spiel. He had just finished grad school and was moving to New York in two months to take a job. He was excited about going to New York, but had decided he would like to find a wife with good ol' Midwestern values. His objective then was to find a suitable candidate in the time he was still in Nebraska and then he would like to move her to New York shortly after he was settled, assuming she was ready. Well, no pressure there. 

At the end of our evening, he shook my hand and said he found me very interesting and would like to meet with me again. I barely managed to refrain from calling him "sir" in my reply. I had passed the first test! I'm a nice Nebraska girl with real Midwestern values that transfer to New York.  

The next day, he called and thanked me for our date. He said "I find you attractive and interesting, and I would very much like to take you out again."  I agreed and we went out a couple more times actually. After those couple dates, I ended things for two reasons. 1. I really wasn't over Mr. Nice Guy yet, and 2. I couldn't stand the smell of Hair Gel's hair gel. I felt like I was wrapped in a cloud of it every time I stood near him!

Moral Of Today's Story:  Dating should be a lot more fun than work. While I appreciated some aspects of his business-like demeanor, I personally don't think any good date should end with a hand shake. That's usually how I end dates where I'm not even willing to hug the man. And men, if you want women to get close to you for more than the handshake, make sure you don't overload your hair with smelly gel!

It's not you, it's me

After a slew of bad dates including Tiny Hand and Señor Gimpy, I met Mr. Romantic. Mr. Romantic said all the right things and did all the right things. He took me on very romantic and well-planned dates.He had all his limbs and didn't even hobble when he walked. He was respectful even while we perused an art gallery with pieces that provoked somewhat inappropriate humor from me. He laughed and loosened up a bit when I cracked the first "that's what she said" joke. The problem was I just didn't like him.

The first sign was that after our first date, I was much more excited about the restaurant than the man. The restaurant we went to had been reviewed by the Food Network and this was my first time there. Afterwards, I told my friends about the truffle risotto before I described Mr. Romantic. It occurred to me that perhaps my priorities were skewed...but on the other hand, good risotto is hard to find.

 On our second date, he took me miniature golfing, then to dinner, then on a scenic stroll around the Lincoln Haymarket where he kissed me just as the sun was setting. It should have been ideal. A date like that with a perfectly timed kiss should have been playing on repeat in my mind, but it wasn't. There were no sparks.

I couldn't figure out why I just wasn't into him, but I thought maybe we just needed time. Maybe I've been on so many bad dates that I'm in shock over being on good dates. Maybe I prefer the drama of jerks and cheaters....No, that's not it.

Well, later that night, he told me about his living situation. He and his ex-fiance had bought a house together, and for some complicated reasons they couldn't sell it at that time. In short, he was still living in the same house as his fiance. He explained that they were more like roommates with their own spaces now, but that was still a big red flag for me.

I cancelled our next date and told him I couldn't see him when he was still entangled with his ex-fiance. Truthfully, I was a little relieved to have a real reason to not see him. And then I realized, that my feelings are real and they are reason enough. I would've come to that conclusion fairly soon anyway, but sometimes you just have to trust your gut in the first place.

Moral Of Today's Story:  Just because someone is nice doesn't mean you have to date them. They might check off all the boxes on your metaphorical list, but it's the intangibles that make you fall in love with someone. You can't rationalize yourself to have feelings for the nice guy, and you can't rationalize yourself out of feelings for that bad boy. But either way, cohabiting with an ex should be a rational reason not to pursue a relationship.

The Professor

A few weeks ago, I met Professor. He actually is a professor, but I'm not going to tell of what or where. Before you start thinking that I have a geezer complex, he was not one of my professors who all happened to be much older than me. He is about my age. (If I'm going to date geezers, they're going to have to be quite wealthy! Just kidding...kind of)

Professor had a busy schedule, lived in Lincoln (about 50 minutes away), and was going out of town that week for a conference on his subject matter. He was also critiquing others' work since he was visiting as another expert at the conference. While I'm not into geezers, I definitely have a thing for men with any type of authority, success or specialized expertise!

Now, Professor was another that I had met online so we had been mostly texting and trying to arrange a meeting time when he would arrive back from his conference. He is a rather poor planner like so many men are these days. We had talked about getting together on a Saturday evening after he landed in Omaha at 5pm, but that was all I knew. I had tried to politely question back on Thursday and Friday if we were still on for Saturday evening or what he had in mind, what area of town he wanted to meet in???  He gave me such brief responses, I thought he must be the strong but silent type - a real man of few words. I stated as much to him, and he said to just wait until I met him. I figured he must not be a wordy texter then. Still, I could use a few more details.

Well, he had texted sporadically the past few days and I had another invitation to a birthday party that evening. (I will always have other things to do so if you want to make plans with me, then make plans with me!) So when he texted that he had landed and still wanted to meet, I told him it would have to be short and sweet before my next event.

We met for drinks at a wine bar out West, and we had a great time. He was much more talkative in person than in his abridged texts. I stayed a little longer than I planned and was a few minutes late to my next engagement, and we continued to talk/text throughout the evening while I was at my event and he had to drive home to Lincoln.

In his texts the following week, he sent a few pics and very few words. Pics of him just at work, in the car, laying down watching tv, who knows. I guess he was telling me about his day and what he was doing through pictures. We had talked about meeting up in Lincoln after I was going to be there to visit my best friend anyway, but he just didn't get back to me for a few days. Well, whatever. I'm not going to keep hounding anyone to make plans with me. I'm available when/if you make some effort.

So while I was with my best friend on said day, he sent me a pic of him golfing. I hadn't heard from him in a couple days, but now apparently I needed to know that he was golfing. We chatted again about meeting up later, and I told him that I was going to babysit for my friend for a bit but would be free by 8pm. He made some references to my sneaking him in while I babysat - as if we're a couple horny teenagers trying to make out when the kids are asleep, but then that was the last I heard from him.

I'm not really upset that Professor apparently didn't want to see me after all. I'm more annoyed because he wasted my time trying to make plans but had no follow through.

Today's Moral Of The Story:  Men, if you want to make plans with a woman, then make real plans. Be succinct, not vague. It doesn't come across as playing hard to get, rather it seems that you are hard to communicate with. And if you don't really want to make plans, then don't pretend. We've all got better things to do than play along.

Married But Dating: Part 2

Pat Benatar had it right when she sang "Love is a Battlefield." But that was 30 years ago, and she didn't even know the half of it! The terrain of this battlefield is getting more and more difficult to navigate each year.

There used to be just three basic statuses: married, single, and lying-cheating-adulterers. But is it adultery now if your spouse gives you permission?  If there's no lying, is it cheating?

Yesterday, I was doing a little surfing on Tinder, and I came across a picture of a man who was clearly wearing a wedding band in his profile pic. He would have been my type minus the ring - preppy dresser, cute, looked smart. I swiped right (right = like, left = no way) out of morbid curiosity. I expected him to be upfront about his intentions since his ring was visible, and he was. (Actually, that's something I really appreciate about married men. They're so open and easy to talk to. Not pushy or manipulative like a lot of single guys. I really enjoyed our chat!)

Anyway, back to what happened. First, I questioned the ring and if he was still married. He gave me his spiel. This Risque Businessman travels for work and "plays" with other women and couples on his business trips. He's been married for ten years and has four children. Risque says his wife has become asexual (sounds like it's due to some medications) and since he is very sexual, she knows about his escapades. He has been playing on the side for one year now.

He had looked at my profile, which actually states that I'm not into hookups and I don't date married men. (I wonder if Pat Benatar had to state these things up front to men?) He said he figured I wouldn't be interested but asked if I wanted to hook up since I had swiped right on him. I confessed that it was my morbid curiosity that started this, and he was kind enough to let me ask a few questions.

Usually, Risque Businessman prefers hotwife and cuckold couples. If you don't want to know the brief description, then skip to the next paragraph. I did not know what these terms meant, but apparently hotwife is when he and the husband pleasure the wife, making her feel worshipped as a sexual goddess. And cuckold couples are ones where the husbands are submissive and like to watch. He also told me that he had a date with a cuckold couple last night - I did not do any follow up to see how their night went.

I've been noticing more and more of this married but dating phenomenon, and I asked him if there are a lot of people who are open about these preferences. He said there are enough that he can be selective about whom he chooses. And oddly, the smaller areas like here in Omaha, Nebraska have more kinksters than bigger cities like Chicago and D.C. Is this what the Nebraska tourism board had in mind with the new slogan "Nebraska Nice" ????

Risque said he prefers to play with couples versus single women who often get attached. I asked how his wife feels about this, and he compared it to sushi. His wife doesn't like sushi so he has sushi with other friends who enjoy it. Likewise, she doesn't enjoy sex any longer so he has sex with other friends, too.

I can follow the logic, but nobody stands up in front of God and earthly witnesses to say they only want to have sushi with one person until death do they part! Right? I'm not missing out on sushi ceremonies?

He further explained that his wife saw how miserable and moody he was when they weren't having enough sex. Now he's happy most of the time, and they still do other things that she loves together.

Well, that really told me more about him than her. This situation is new, but the attitude is typical man. "I'm happy and since the world revolves around me, she's happy simply because I am."  He said that they almost split up because of their sexual issues so it's clear that she's ignoring his dalliances to hold onto whatever's left of their marriage. It sucks to get divorced, but it must suck a little bit less for the time being to turn a blind eye on her husbands sexcapades.

I could be wrong. Maybe she is not bothered at all that the man who vowed to love her forever is doing raunchy things to strangers in strange cities. I truly hope that they are happy, but my instincts are very rarely wrong.

Moral Of Today's Story:  There's a reason that the phrase "for better or for worse" is included in marriage vows. And for this situation, I'm going to repeat some advice from a Kindergarten class "USE YOUR WORDS!" My personal values aside, I truly believe he's trying to achieve a win-win situation. This man has been very honest and used his words to say what he wanted, but I suspect that his wife is not being honest about her feelings on the matter.

Can I get yo digits, baby?

One of my guy friends recently told me that in his experience, women will give their numbers out to anybody. I wanted to disagree with him, but he's absolutely right. We women have been trained to be polite and have no idea how to say no when we're put on the spot. 

This was the case when I misguidedly gave my number to a carnival worker - who upon second glance also seemed to be missing some teeth. (Sometimes, stereotypes exist for a reason!) 

One of my favorite annual traditions with my friends is celebrating the cinco de mayo festival. There was some impromptu salsa dancing in the streets when the mariachi bands were playing, and magically, some boys appeared to dance with us girls. 

Cinco de Mike was one of those dancing boys. He asked me if I liked to go dancing, and I told him that I do like to go salsa dancing with my friends. So when he asked for my number to go dancing, I gave it to him and said we could all go dancing sometime. 

I thought that I had made a good choice by indicating that I only wanted to go dancing as a group and that this was not a number for any other reason. This way I didn't have to say no, and I wasn't saying I was interested. 

Boy, was that a stupid thought! Ladies, when you give your number to a man he is going to use it, and he is going to use it a lot. 

He kept trying to get to know me through vey boring text conversations over the next few weeks. This ended up being another situation where I eventually asked him to stop texting me. It turns out that I don't have much in common with carnival workers, and I quickly grew bored of his mis-spelled and dull conversations. 

Moral Of Today's Story: If you don't actually say "no," he hears "yes." And men, if you want something, ask. We'll probably say yes. 

Insanity

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result. This definition is especially true in dating. Off again/on again type relationships are the definition of relationship insanity, and I have yet to see one of these situations pan out.  While I wish I could say that I was so cunning that I never made the same mistake twice, I am at least glad to say that I have a short list of relationship repeats.

One of my relationship repeats was Mr. Look-What-I-Can-Do. He needed a lot of attention and approval. This was something that I didn't recognize right away because it really just came out in group situations (One more reason you should have your friends evaluate your new love interest!) I met him through church friends, but for some reason I got to know him more in one on one settings at first.

One on one we had a great time, but when we added in other people, I was often embarrassed of his cheesy, attention-seeking behavior. He would talk about minor accomplishments in a bragging way or he would show me things he could do on the computer that those of us who don't have techie jobs probably don't know how to do. If I wanted to know more about computers, then I would figure it out. I didn't even think most of those skills were very impressive, but when he tooted his own horn it was really unattractive.

Well, I never had very long to evaluate the negative aspects of our dynamic because he would disappear every few dates. We would go out and hang out a few times, and then he would freak out a little bit about being in a relationship and disappear.

He would come back and tell me he missed me and was ready to be committed to me. He even whispered, "I love you" one night when he came to ask if we could get back together. But it was so soft I asked him to repeat what he said, and then he didn't repeat it. The next day I met the woman he had spent the night with 24 hours before he tried to reunite with me. He apparently thought he could break up with her by just being vague in his responses to her and saying he was too busy to hang out. Well, she didn't understand that he had moved on. He was hanging out with me, and she just showed up since he wasn't responding to her. That's when all the poo hit the fan.

Suffice it to say that I also didn't understand his poor etiquette and callous use of this poor woman - and me! So he ended up with neither of us after that.

Months later, he came to tell me again that he was ready for a serious relationship with me. He apologized for all of his past mistakes, and he seemed more grounded and sincere this time. At this point, however, I was finally smart enough to see that he shouldn't be able to treat me like a toy. - to pick me up whenever he wants to play with me and put me down whenever he's bored.  I told him thanks, but no thanks. I was done giving attention to Mr. Look-What-I-Can-Do.

A month later, he met another girl, and he married her not too long after that. I guess the last time he said he was ready, he really meant it. He really was ready to be in a grown-up relationship. But I'm so glad that it's not with me.

 I've met his wife several times, and she doesn't have any idea that he told me he loved me or of the relationship that we had. She actually overheard a conversation between me and another friend about running into an ex with his wife at a party and how he acted really awkward around me. And then she joined the conversation, laughing and talking about how that must have been an awkward ride home for my ex and his wife. I realized then that she was clueless that her husband was also my ex. Maybe she doesn't need to know details, but I would never want to be in a marriage where my husband wasn't completely honest about his past with me.

Moral Of Today's Story:  Turn your off again/on again relationship off, and then don't turn it on again. Insane asylums have improved drastically in the past few decades, but there's no reason to jeopardize your mental health. The reason it ended at all is not because you had too much unconditional love, stability, and similarities. It was a bad relationship. Move on.

Just outside the bubble

After college where I lived in a secluded, Christian bubble, I was ready for a serious relationship. I hadn't dated a lot, and unfortunately for me my head was still filled with advice from books like The Rules and When God Writes Your Love Story. The books weren't all terrible, but they left me with a notion in my head that there was always a right and wrong way to do things. I never thought about a right or wrong way to make other relationships like friends, but I thought dating had to be different. 

So when I started dating Nice Guy, I was always censoring myself. I thought I couldn't talk about my feelings if he didn't bring it up first and things like that. I was often quiet around him because I was just thinking about how much I liked him and afraid that he didn't feel the same. We did have some good conversations, but I realize now that I was seeking his approval to validate myself. For example, if he didn't tell me I looked pretty, then I assumed I must look terrible. Then I would feel bad about myself and a little peeved at him.

My friends noticed that I wasn't myself around him before I could put my finger on anything. Even my friend's boyfriend at the time said "Bente seems really quiet around him." 

He was a great guy, but it just didn't play out like I hoped. I still wonder sometimes if things would have been different if I had met him at a different stage when I had more life experience. I doubt it, but I regret that he never got to know the uninhibited version of me. 

Today's Moral Of The Story: Relax and be the real you whomever you're with. And remember that your friends have good insight - They will most likely spot worrisome behavior in your relationship faster than you will! 

Dr. Sugar

Knowing when to make the first move and kiss a girl is a tricky thing for guys. He runs the risk of offending by giving unwanted kisses or ruining the moment by being to hasty. 

 I am in the majority of women who let the man initiate the first kiss. Our job is easy because, let's face it, getting a man to kiss you takes less effort than breathing. It's getting them to stop that's difficult. 

When I went out with "Dr. Sugar" he was a hasty kisser. He was poised and ready to pucker when he walked me to my car after our first dinner date, but the moment felt more perfunctory than romantic despite his sweet conversation. I wouldn't have been offended by any means, but I just didn't want to kiss him yet. So I turned my head and let him kiss my cheek that night. 

On our second date, I made the mistake of meeting him at his house. Due to his busy schedule at the hospital, we had to wait quite a while before our calendars aligned for a second date. In the meantime, we had been having some great conversations on the phone. He told me he wasn't dating anyone but me. This wasn't the DTR convo, but I was considering being exclusive since he brought it up. I felt like we were moving in a good direction. 

He was half Spanish and half Indian, and the foreign influences made him a true romantic when we conversed. He always knew the right thing to say, and I felt as if he could read my mind before I ever said what I was thinking. 

When I arrived at his house, he took my coat and immediately started kissing me. It was not romantic. There was no more sweet nuance. I had arrived and that apparently meant to him that it was time to immediately jump on me. Sense the moment, Doctor! It's usually not about what you're trying to do, but how you're going about it. First kisses should be romantic not rushed. I thought doctors would know these things...

I'll spare the gory details, but the evening became very awkward when I literally told him to keep his pants on. He verbally agreed with me that he had been too aggressive on only our second date. But despite his apology, I never saw Dr. Sugar again seemingly since I did not put out on the second time we had met. 

Moral Of Today's Story: Men, sense the moment! Not to add to your pressure, but nothing ruins the romance quite like a bad first kiss. Pay attention and you'll know when she wants it. 

Ladies, never forget for even a moment that ALL men - including sweet men, educated men, religious men, and well-mannered men - think with their penises.