The Professor

A few weeks ago, I met Professor. He actually is a professor, but I'm not going to tell of what or where. Before you start thinking that I have a geezer complex, he was not one of my professors who all happened to be much older than me. He is about my age. (If I'm going to date geezers, they're going to have to be quite wealthy! Just kidding...kind of)

Professor had a busy schedule, lived in Lincoln (about 50 minutes away), and was going out of town that week for a conference on his subject matter. He was also critiquing others' work since he was visiting as another expert at the conference. While I'm not into geezers, I definitely have a thing for men with any type of authority, success or specialized expertise!

Now, Professor was another that I had met online so we had been mostly texting and trying to arrange a meeting time when he would arrive back from his conference. He is a rather poor planner like so many men are these days. We had talked about getting together on a Saturday evening after he landed in Omaha at 5pm, but that was all I knew. I had tried to politely question back on Thursday and Friday if we were still on for Saturday evening or what he had in mind, what area of town he wanted to meet in???  He gave me such brief responses, I thought he must be the strong but silent type - a real man of few words. I stated as much to him, and he said to just wait until I met him. I figured he must not be a wordy texter then. Still, I could use a few more details.

Well, he had texted sporadically the past few days and I had another invitation to a birthday party that evening. (I will always have other things to do so if you want to make plans with me, then make plans with me!) So when he texted that he had landed and still wanted to meet, I told him it would have to be short and sweet before my next event.

We met for drinks at a wine bar out West, and we had a great time. He was much more talkative in person than in his abridged texts. I stayed a little longer than I planned and was a few minutes late to my next engagement, and we continued to talk/text throughout the evening while I was at my event and he had to drive home to Lincoln.

In his texts the following week, he sent a few pics and very few words. Pics of him just at work, in the car, laying down watching tv, who knows. I guess he was telling me about his day and what he was doing through pictures. We had talked about meeting up in Lincoln after I was going to be there to visit my best friend anyway, but he just didn't get back to me for a few days. Well, whatever. I'm not going to keep hounding anyone to make plans with me. I'm available when/if you make some effort.

So while I was with my best friend on said day, he sent me a pic of him golfing. I hadn't heard from him in a couple days, but now apparently I needed to know that he was golfing. We chatted again about meeting up later, and I told him that I was going to babysit for my friend for a bit but would be free by 8pm. He made some references to my sneaking him in while I babysat - as if we're a couple horny teenagers trying to make out when the kids are asleep, but then that was the last I heard from him.

I'm not really upset that Professor apparently didn't want to see me after all. I'm more annoyed because he wasted my time trying to make plans but had no follow through.

Today's Moral Of The Story:  Men, if you want to make plans with a woman, then make real plans. Be succinct, not vague. It doesn't come across as playing hard to get, rather it seems that you are hard to communicate with. And if you don't really want to make plans, then don't pretend. We've all got better things to do than play along.

Married But Dating: Part 2

Pat Benatar had it right when she sang "Love is a Battlefield." But that was 30 years ago, and she didn't even know the half of it! The terrain of this battlefield is getting more and more difficult to navigate each year.

There used to be just three basic statuses: married, single, and lying-cheating-adulterers. But is it adultery now if your spouse gives you permission?  If there's no lying, is it cheating?

Yesterday, I was doing a little surfing on Tinder, and I came across a picture of a man who was clearly wearing a wedding band in his profile pic. He would have been my type minus the ring - preppy dresser, cute, looked smart. I swiped right (right = like, left = no way) out of morbid curiosity. I expected him to be upfront about his intentions since his ring was visible, and he was. (Actually, that's something I really appreciate about married men. They're so open and easy to talk to. Not pushy or manipulative like a lot of single guys. I really enjoyed our chat!)

Anyway, back to what happened. First, I questioned the ring and if he was still married. He gave me his spiel. This Risque Businessman travels for work and "plays" with other women and couples on his business trips. He's been married for ten years and has four children. Risque says his wife has become asexual (sounds like it's due to some medications) and since he is very sexual, she knows about his escapades. He has been playing on the side for one year now.

He had looked at my profile, which actually states that I'm not into hookups and I don't date married men. (I wonder if Pat Benatar had to state these things up front to men?) He said he figured I wouldn't be interested but asked if I wanted to hook up since I had swiped right on him. I confessed that it was my morbid curiosity that started this, and he was kind enough to let me ask a few questions.

Usually, Risque Businessman prefers hotwife and cuckold couples. If you don't want to know the brief description, then skip to the next paragraph. I did not know what these terms meant, but apparently hotwife is when he and the husband pleasure the wife, making her feel worshipped as a sexual goddess. And cuckold couples are ones where the husbands are submissive and like to watch. He also told me that he had a date with a cuckold couple last night - I did not do any follow up to see how their night went.

I've been noticing more and more of this married but dating phenomenon, and I asked him if there are a lot of people who are open about these preferences. He said there are enough that he can be selective about whom he chooses. And oddly, the smaller areas like here in Omaha, Nebraska have more kinksters than bigger cities like Chicago and D.C. Is this what the Nebraska tourism board had in mind with the new slogan "Nebraska Nice" ????

Risque said he prefers to play with couples versus single women who often get attached. I asked how his wife feels about this, and he compared it to sushi. His wife doesn't like sushi so he has sushi with other friends who enjoy it. Likewise, she doesn't enjoy sex any longer so he has sex with other friends, too.

I can follow the logic, but nobody stands up in front of God and earthly witnesses to say they only want to have sushi with one person until death do they part! Right? I'm not missing out on sushi ceremonies?

He further explained that his wife saw how miserable and moody he was when they weren't having enough sex. Now he's happy most of the time, and they still do other things that she loves together.

Well, that really told me more about him than her. This situation is new, but the attitude is typical man. "I'm happy and since the world revolves around me, she's happy simply because I am."  He said that they almost split up because of their sexual issues so it's clear that she's ignoring his dalliances to hold onto whatever's left of their marriage. It sucks to get divorced, but it must suck a little bit less for the time being to turn a blind eye on her husbands sexcapades.

I could be wrong. Maybe she is not bothered at all that the man who vowed to love her forever is doing raunchy things to strangers in strange cities. I truly hope that they are happy, but my instincts are very rarely wrong.

Moral Of Today's Story:  There's a reason that the phrase "for better or for worse" is included in marriage vows. And for this situation, I'm going to repeat some advice from a Kindergarten class "USE YOUR WORDS!" My personal values aside, I truly believe he's trying to achieve a win-win situation. This man has been very honest and used his words to say what he wanted, but I suspect that his wife is not being honest about her feelings on the matter.

Can I get yo digits, baby?

One of my guy friends recently told me that in his experience, women will give their numbers out to anybody. I wanted to disagree with him, but he's absolutely right. We women have been trained to be polite and have no idea how to say no when we're put on the spot. 

This was the case when I misguidedly gave my number to a carnival worker - who upon second glance also seemed to be missing some teeth. (Sometimes, stereotypes exist for a reason!) 

One of my favorite annual traditions with my friends is celebrating the cinco de mayo festival. There was some impromptu salsa dancing in the streets when the mariachi bands were playing, and magically, some boys appeared to dance with us girls. 

Cinco de Mike was one of those dancing boys. He asked me if I liked to go dancing, and I told him that I do like to go salsa dancing with my friends. So when he asked for my number to go dancing, I gave it to him and said we could all go dancing sometime. 

I thought that I had made a good choice by indicating that I only wanted to go dancing as a group and that this was not a number for any other reason. This way I didn't have to say no, and I wasn't saying I was interested. 

Boy, was that a stupid thought! Ladies, when you give your number to a man he is going to use it, and he is going to use it a lot. 

He kept trying to get to know me through vey boring text conversations over the next few weeks. This ended up being another situation where I eventually asked him to stop texting me. It turns out that I don't have much in common with carnival workers, and I quickly grew bored of his mis-spelled and dull conversations. 

Moral Of Today's Story: If you don't actually say "no," he hears "yes." And men, if you want something, ask. We'll probably say yes. 

Insanity

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result. This definition is especially true in dating. Off again/on again type relationships are the definition of relationship insanity, and I have yet to see one of these situations pan out.  While I wish I could say that I was so cunning that I never made the same mistake twice, I am at least glad to say that I have a short list of relationship repeats.

One of my relationship repeats was Mr. Look-What-I-Can-Do. He needed a lot of attention and approval. This was something that I didn't recognize right away because it really just came out in group situations (One more reason you should have your friends evaluate your new love interest!) I met him through church friends, but for some reason I got to know him more in one on one settings at first.

One on one we had a great time, but when we added in other people, I was often embarrassed of his cheesy, attention-seeking behavior. He would talk about minor accomplishments in a bragging way or he would show me things he could do on the computer that those of us who don't have techie jobs probably don't know how to do. If I wanted to know more about computers, then I would figure it out. I didn't even think most of those skills were very impressive, but when he tooted his own horn it was really unattractive.

Well, I never had very long to evaluate the negative aspects of our dynamic because he would disappear every few dates. We would go out and hang out a few times, and then he would freak out a little bit about being in a relationship and disappear.

He would come back and tell me he missed me and was ready to be committed to me. He even whispered, "I love you" one night when he came to ask if we could get back together. But it was so soft I asked him to repeat what he said, and then he didn't repeat it. The next day I met the woman he had spent the night with 24 hours before he tried to reunite with me. He apparently thought he could break up with her by just being vague in his responses to her and saying he was too busy to hang out. Well, she didn't understand that he had moved on. He was hanging out with me, and she just showed up since he wasn't responding to her. That's when all the poo hit the fan.

Suffice it to say that I also didn't understand his poor etiquette and callous use of this poor woman - and me! So he ended up with neither of us after that.

Months later, he came to tell me again that he was ready for a serious relationship with me. He apologized for all of his past mistakes, and he seemed more grounded and sincere this time. At this point, however, I was finally smart enough to see that he shouldn't be able to treat me like a toy. - to pick me up whenever he wants to play with me and put me down whenever he's bored.  I told him thanks, but no thanks. I was done giving attention to Mr. Look-What-I-Can-Do.

A month later, he met another girl, and he married her not too long after that. I guess the last time he said he was ready, he really meant it. He really was ready to be in a grown-up relationship. But I'm so glad that it's not with me.

 I've met his wife several times, and she doesn't have any idea that he told me he loved me or of the relationship that we had. She actually overheard a conversation between me and another friend about running into an ex with his wife at a party and how he acted really awkward around me. And then she joined the conversation, laughing and talking about how that must have been an awkward ride home for my ex and his wife. I realized then that she was clueless that her husband was also my ex. Maybe she doesn't need to know details, but I would never want to be in a marriage where my husband wasn't completely honest about his past with me.

Moral Of Today's Story:  Turn your off again/on again relationship off, and then don't turn it on again. Insane asylums have improved drastically in the past few decades, but there's no reason to jeopardize your mental health. The reason it ended at all is not because you had too much unconditional love, stability, and similarities. It was a bad relationship. Move on.

Just outside the bubble

After college where I lived in a secluded, Christian bubble, I was ready for a serious relationship. I hadn't dated a lot, and unfortunately for me my head was still filled with advice from books like The Rules and When God Writes Your Love Story. The books weren't all terrible, but they left me with a notion in my head that there was always a right and wrong way to do things. I never thought about a right or wrong way to make other relationships like friends, but I thought dating had to be different. 

So when I started dating Nice Guy, I was always censoring myself. I thought I couldn't talk about my feelings if he didn't bring it up first and things like that. I was often quiet around him because I was just thinking about how much I liked him and afraid that he didn't feel the same. We did have some good conversations, but I realize now that I was seeking his approval to validate myself. For example, if he didn't tell me I looked pretty, then I assumed I must look terrible. Then I would feel bad about myself and a little peeved at him.

My friends noticed that I wasn't myself around him before I could put my finger on anything. Even my friend's boyfriend at the time said "Bente seems really quiet around him." 

He was a great guy, but it just didn't play out like I hoped. I still wonder sometimes if things would have been different if I had met him at a different stage when I had more life experience. I doubt it, but I regret that he never got to know the uninhibited version of me. 

Today's Moral Of The Story: Relax and be the real you whomever you're with. And remember that your friends have good insight - They will most likely spot worrisome behavior in your relationship faster than you will! 

Dr. Sugar

Knowing when to make the first move and kiss a girl is a tricky thing for guys. He runs the risk of offending by giving unwanted kisses or ruining the moment by being to hasty. 

 I am in the majority of women who let the man initiate the first kiss. Our job is easy because, let's face it, getting a man to kiss you takes less effort than breathing. It's getting them to stop that's difficult. 

When I went out with "Dr. Sugar" he was a hasty kisser. He was poised and ready to pucker when he walked me to my car after our first dinner date, but the moment felt more perfunctory than romantic despite his sweet conversation. I wouldn't have been offended by any means, but I just didn't want to kiss him yet. So I turned my head and let him kiss my cheek that night. 

On our second date, I made the mistake of meeting him at his house. Due to his busy schedule at the hospital, we had to wait quite a while before our calendars aligned for a second date. In the meantime, we had been having some great conversations on the phone. He told me he wasn't dating anyone but me. This wasn't the DTR convo, but I was considering being exclusive since he brought it up. I felt like we were moving in a good direction. 

He was half Spanish and half Indian, and the foreign influences made him a true romantic when we conversed. He always knew the right thing to say, and I felt as if he could read my mind before I ever said what I was thinking. 

When I arrived at his house, he took my coat and immediately started kissing me. It was not romantic. There was no more sweet nuance. I had arrived and that apparently meant to him that it was time to immediately jump on me. Sense the moment, Doctor! It's usually not about what you're trying to do, but how you're going about it. First kisses should be romantic not rushed. I thought doctors would know these things...

I'll spare the gory details, but the evening became very awkward when I literally told him to keep his pants on. He verbally agreed with me that he had been too aggressive on only our second date. But despite his apology, I never saw Dr. Sugar again seemingly since I did not put out on the second time we had met. 

Moral Of Today's Story: Men, sense the moment! Not to add to your pressure, but nothing ruins the romance quite like a bad first kiss. Pay attention and you'll know when she wants it. 

Ladies, never forget for even a moment that ALL men - including sweet men, educated men, religious men, and well-mannered men - think with their penises. 

Christians Who Mingle: Part 2

At a wedding recently, the father of the bride made a speech about how God had honored his daughter by bringing her a husband because she had been faithful to God. It was a nice speech, but it's also a false truth. One that most of the church has bought into, unfortunately. We think that if we check all the morality boxes on the list that God is obligated to give us what we want in return. 

This theory is affirming to married people who can feel justified that they must've met approval and crossed the finish line, so to speak. So when things don't line up with this theory, they make more excuses to fit the story that they're selling. 

Such as the lie of "you haven't met your spouse yet because God just hasn't finished perfecting you yet." This is quoted about as much as Scripture, and it's highly detrimental to a single person's self-esteem. What this statement is actually saying is that married people have achieved some level of perfection and that you, as a single person, are not good enough as you are. In essence, we're telling people they are unloveable. How un-Christian! God is always at work to perfect people - both single and married. You do not have to wonder what's wrong with you if you're single, and you certainly should not assume that you have all the answers if you're married. The truth is most married people just got lucky enough to meet the right person sooner rather than later. They most often do not possess greater skill or knowledge than a single person. Now, there are single people who are single because of stupidity and poor choices. Just like there are some people who use some savvy skills to get married, for example Anna Nicole! 

Today's Moral Of The Story: The fact that you are single does not mean there is something wrong with you. In fact, it sometimes means that you were smart enough to leave a bad relationship. The fact that you are married means that you have a partner to love you, share life with you and grow more perfect together.

Christians Who Mingle

When I was 18 and ready to get out of the small town I'd outgrown, I went off to college at a Christian university where the females outnumbered the males 3 to 1. Now, many nice young ladies go to Christian universities in pursuit of an MRS degree. (If you're confused about that major, look at the letters again) This dynamic of eager-to-marry, over-populated, young ladies put a lot of pressure on the minority of males on campus. They seemed to live in constant fear of being tricked into marrying one of these MRS majors. Some thought that if they were friendly it might be seen as flirting, while others flirted freely under the guise of "we're just friends." The good news is that there were also many who developed healthy, lasting relationships despite the confusing environment.

Christian dating has a subset of problems and stereotypes unique from the rest of the dating world. One of these problems originated with Joshua Harris, whom I consider to be the bane of Christian relationships. He wrote the infamous book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." Soon after this book came out, the term "courting" became the height of charismatic fashion. Courting isn't a bad word or idea on it's own. The problem, however, is that It made dating a bad word. 

I've heard a few Christians use the term "non-date." I, personally, think it's insulting if you're somebody's non-date. As if you can't even commit to dating me for one night? Or more likely, you're building in a safety net in case things don't work out. Then there's no perceived risk of humiliation or heartbreak, and you can just tell yourself it was no big deal because we never even dated. 

I ascribe to the "nothing ventured, nothing gained" philosophy. Put yourself out there if you want a real chance!  I also believe in being honest and saying what it is you want. Quit believing all those trite newlyweds who try to tell you that it happened when they finally told God that they were happy being single and they stopped looking all together. People quote those type of sayings so much, you'd think it were Scripture! It's not. And it's also misleading. This is not a magic formula to find your spouse so quit pretending you don't want to find the love of your life! The truth is that if these smug marrieds fell in love with singleness and had no desire to find a spouse, they wouldn't have gotten married. Instead, they would have taken a vow of celibacy. 

Moral of Today's Story: STOP LYING, AND STOP BELIEVING THE LIES! Don't call it a non-date if you want to be in a dating relationship. And for crying out loud, stop pretending that you got married because you finally didn't want to get married! 

Plenty of Catfish

I've told a few stories about my Plenty of Fish (POF) experiences. Well, this is the one that sent me straight home to delete my profile.

I won't be giving an alias today as in most of my stories. His name was Marc - or at least that's what he said. I had first communicated with Marc at the beginning of the year, and we talked about going out. He said he needed to double check something in his schedule, but then I didn't hear from him again. His profile was deleted the next day as well. 

I had forgotten all about Marc when he contacted me on POF again in August - 8 months later. He apologized for disappearing, claiming he had felt overwhelmed by the whole online dating experience. I could empathize with that feeling so I didn't hold it against him. 

He suggested that we meet at a Barnes and Noble in a Friday evening, and I agreed. Right when I arrived, he texted that he was running late from work and would be about 35 minutes late. 

I was slightly annoyed since I had nothing to do but wander around the book shelves and wait. But I told him I had just arrived and I'd see him when he got there. 

Exactly 35 minutes later he texted

Now, I was looking around as he was texting, and feeling foolish since I had already seen pretty much everyone in the store during the past 35 minutes. 

I'm also fairly certain that he was there and watching me for all of those 35 minutes. 

Creeper! 

He said he was wearing blue and tan. There were five men in the store at the time, and they were all wearing some combination of blue and tan. I saw nobody who remotely looked like his pics that he had sent. He had quite a few pictures, but I don't know if that's what he really looked like. 

I do know that he has set up a profile three different times with pictures of the same man. Despite the fact that I reported him, he set up another profile.

Moral of today's story: Ladies, if you see this man, DO NOT go out with him! Because unfortunately, there are plenty of catfish in the sea! 

Mama's Boy

Ladies, we've all heard the advice of choosing a man based on how he treats his mother. Supposedly, how he treats her is indicative of how he'll treat you. Perhaps there can be some indication of his kindness or respect, but do you really want to be treated like his mother? Did mama raise a man who knows how to appreciate a woman? Or did mama raise a man who needs a woman to cook and clean for him?

On my first date with "Mama's Boy," we went out to an Italian restaurant for dinner. I watched him walk as the hostess led us to the table, noting that he had neither a limp nor a tiny, deformed hand. Good signs so far! 

(If that comment confuses you, please read the posts on Tiny Hand and Señor Gimpy) 

After we had ordered our drinks, Mama's Boy's phone rang. He said that it was his mom and he turned and answered it right away. He chatted with his mother for several minutes, but since he spoke French when he spoke with his family I had no idea of what they were speaking. His tone sounded casual and conversational so I didn't think it was an emergency. 

When he got off the phone, I asked him if everything was alright. He told me that he talks with his parents at least a couple times every day. I didn't know what to think. I've never been on a date that was interrupted by a conversation with the man's mother. 

 A few dates later, I actually told him that it was odd and a little rude to answer his phone on our date. He apologized and tried not to take calls when he was with me. Although, he didn't seem to think I would notice if he texted instead when he was with me. It was only odd the times when he had one hand on me and one hand texting his brother. About what? No idea! 

Mama's Boy and I dated for a few months. Compared to some of the other winners I had gone out with, this was a mostly positive relationship, but he quickly became very selfish. 

He usually said he was too tired to drive across town to see me and insisted I'd come see him (never mind if I was tired). On my way to see him once, he called and asked if I was hungry. I said I could probably eat something. For a moment I thought it was sweet of him to consider if I was hungry, but then he said, "good. Will you pick up something for me to eat, too?" 

 

Now, I like to cook and I also think that cooking together can be very romantic. He started suggesting that we cook meals together, but they ended up with me in the kitchen and him waiting to be fed. 

Sometimes after I worked my two jobs I had at the time, he would ask me to make things for him. One such night, I told him that it would take me an hour to make that dish and it was already late. By that I meant that I wasn't going to make it, but he waited an hour at home, then called to ask if the food was done. 

In the end, there were a lot of reasons that Mama's Boy and I didn't work out. Actually, his mother was never a real factor. All of my issues with him stemmed from his selfishness and stubbornness. Although, now that I think about it, maybe his mother could have taught him better manners. 

Moral of today's story: Did mama raise him to want a girlfriend or a maid? Learn the difference between someone who appreciates what you do for him and someone who expects you to do things for him.

(I don't actually do housework in my French Maid's uniform)

Señor Gimpy's Paella

When it comes to men, there are plenty of fish in the sea - especially on the dating site Plenty of Fish (POF). But certain ponds only seem to breed toxic, mutant fish so beware of what you catch. Who knows what poisonous things have seeped into the water where you cast your nets. 

I've already told you about my last catch from the POF pond, Tiny Hand, and tonight I'll tell you about Señor Gimpy. 

Señor Gimpy was from somewhere in South America, and He had moved here to take a job as an engineer. We only chatted for a few days before we met. I didn't know a lot, but I thought he seemed educated and polite so that was a good enough starting place. We agreed to meet at Roja on a Monday night for a margarita. It turned out to be the longest one hour date I've ever been on! 

Señor was much shorter and more slender than he had appeared in his profile pics. (On a side note, this has happened before that someone looked smaller in person. The good news about this is that if it's happened to them, perhaps I might look thinner in person!) 

Anyway, back to the story... He also had a limp and a rather crooked posture. I tried to focus on getting to know him for his personality, but this was very difficult because I could barely understand the man when he spoke! 

His accent was so thick that our conversation was painfully speckled with "what's" and "could you repeat that's." Roja was deserted on this particular Monday, and I could tell the staff were aware and sympathetic to my blind date. My mind was starting to wander towards the cute bartender as Señor was insisting on turning drinks into dinner. He was very sweet and kept asking if I was hungry and offering to order me something else. The wait staff were making frequent checks on our table - most likely because they were betting on the outcome of our blind date - and each time they stopped, he offered again to order dinner. 

I checked my phone for the time, thinking it must have been about 4 hours. I was wrong. 58 long minutes later, we were nearly ready to part ways. He then made several invitations to come have paella with his family. His relatives that lived in Omaha apparently had big paella dinners every week, and he insisted I should come. It actually sounded fun to go to a big Latin family paella party, but I couldn't bear to suffer through more of our difficult conversation. 

I never went out with Señor again, but he did email from time to time. Recently, he also found me on a different dating site, which makes me realize that all the pools must be running dry if I'm experiencing reruns on other sites. He is a sweet man, and I hope he can share his paella with someone special. It just wasn't meant to be me. 

Moral of today's story:  Sometimes you have to throw the fish back in the pond before you make paella. Not just any fish will do when you're cooking such a delicate dish! 

1,000 Words

A picture is worth 1,000 words. This is especially true of a dating profile picture. I mean, seriously, the written descriptions usually have a 500 character max! Where do you think the important info comes from?? 

The following are an overview of what any single girl will see a million times on EVERY dating site!

Let's decode what some of the typical profile pics really tell you. 

The shirtless, headless hunk pic

-I may own shirts, but I don't like to wear them.

-I spend all my free time at the gym...and taking selfies.

- I didn't bother to include my face because I'm only interested in using our bodies, if you know what I mean.

The clearly cropped out ex girlfriend pic

- Most likely this was a recent breakup, and thus I have not had time to take a new pic. 

- I'd like you to be my rebound girl. 

- I only signed up for this dating site so I can move on faster than my ex!

- You can't be positive that this wasn't my mom in the pic! You know what happens when you assume...

The "me and my niece and nephews! Love them!" pic

- I'm letting you know I like kids so you'll consider having mine!

- I don't have the common sense to not put pictures of children on the internet for strangers to see! 

- I don't actually know these children. I just photo bombed them! 

The "me and my sister" pic

- I have an oddly affectionate relationship with my sister! It's disturbing, really. 

- I could have used a photo where we're not being uncomfortably touchy-feely, but I'm just not that bright. 

The undefined lone child pic

- My psych professor said that women respond favorably to pictures of babies and puppies. 

- Im not going to tell you whose child this is. I'm really just hoping you'll be curious enough to email me :)

- I still see nothing wrong with posting innocent children's pictures for strangers!  

The mysterious woman in the pic

- What? We just broke up an hour ago. I didn't have time to crop her out of my pics yet! 

- It might be my sister. Or my friend.

- You still can't be positive that this wasn't my mom in the pic! You know what happens when you assume...

The "mom and me" pic

- My mom will be joining us on our first date! 

- She's going to live with us someday, too! Built-in babysitter!

Today's moral of the story:  People are purposely representing themselves a certain way by the profile pictures they choose. In these cases, it's best if you DO judge a book by its cover. 

White Lies And Black Guys

One Saturday afternoon, my phone buzzed with a text from an un-identified phone number. He asked who I was, which I always think is a silly thing to do. Why are you contacting me if you don't know who I am? Did you just make up numbers to see whom you'd find?

He told me his name- which I have already forgotten- and said he had my number in his new phone without a name. We chatted for a bit and I found out that he was single, my age, and had just moved back to Omaha! 

I had an inkling that this was a man I'd met once in a foam pit at a dance party. I'd given my number to him, but we never ended up going out after that so I had deleted him from my contacts. 

Well, after chatting, we exchanged selfies. He was not the man I danced with in foam. He was not a good or even ok looking man. I know this sounds shallow, but there was no possible way I could be attracted to this man! I wracked my brain for an easy let down when he asked if I was open to going on a date. 

Rather than tell him how horribly unattractive I found him, I decided to tell him that I only date Black guys. He can't be upset if he's White and I'm into Black guys, right? And this was loosely the truth as I'd been dating mostly Black guys lately-not purposely or exclusively, but just because it happened that way. 

Well, this all went an even uglier direction after that. He assumed that I had that preference based on the stereotype of...well, what Black men have to, uh, offer. He insisted that he had sizable offerings, as well. And he made more statements about wanting to prove himself to me. Ugh! My white lie had opened a can of worms that just kept going and going. While I've never been proven wrong about certain stereotypes, I'm also not instigating a broad-based research forum on the topic. I stated one last time that I was not interested, and I ignored his subsequent messages. 

I still don't know how this man ended up with my number because I'm positive I've never met him. Maybe I should make up numbers and see who I find...

Moral of today's story: Don't use a lie - even a white lie - to cover up an uglier truth. Lies weave a tangled web no matter how small they start. 

Price available upon request

Let's recognize the difference between being persistent and being annoying. It's been over a year from my last text to his most recent. And in my last message I asked this man to stop texting me! 

Seriously, if you were in his shoes, how would you feel if I suddenly responded. Would you feel victorious like your method of slow and steady had won the race? Would you realize that if I was responding I must have run completely out of other options? Would you go look out the window to see if the apocalypse had occurred? 

This is also a man who offered to buy me things if I would decide that I liked him. He liked to dangle the carrot, so to speak, but I think he wasn't willing to invest without knowing the rate of reciprocity on my part. He specifically mentioned a few things like the designer bags I had been eyeing at Von Maur. But he said he wanted me to really like him before he was going to start buying me extravagant gifts. Well, I didn't.  

When I turned down a dinner date and said I wasn't interested, he invited me to go on vacation with him to spend his bonus check from work.  Again, free vacation sounds nice, but if I don't even want to spend the length of dinner with you why would I go out of town with you? 

He also talked a lot about how he had significant money. Ladies, any man who has to talk about it doesn't have a lot. Talk is cheap. Everyone knows that actions speak louder than words!

And let's be real here, these gifts and vacations were definitely going to cost me something. 

Moral of today's story: Nothing is free. Not vacations, not expensive gifts. It's one of those "price available upon request" situations, which always tells me it's too rich for my blood!

Bonus moral of the day: When a woman asks you to stop communicating wih her, she is NOT playing hard to get. She straight up doesn't like you. 

Smell my ball, it's pineapple scented!

Sometimes it takes time to know if someone is right for you to date. Other times, the signs could not be anymore clear. For example, when "J" asked me,  on our first date, to smell his ball because it was pineapple scented, I knew things were not going to work out. Oh, did I mention it was his bowling ball? 

Yes, J was an avid bowler, truck enthusiast, and gym rat. He was sweet as could be, but dull as a box of rocks. He really only talked about trucks, bowling, and lifting weights. 

When he picked me up in his big pickup truck, he had muscle building supplements in all the cup-holders of the truck. He explained why each one was truly "awesome" and how they inflated your muscles so you could look really ripped in about 30 minutes. He was good looking, and I appreciated the view! But I felt like the female equivalent of this would have been if I talked about wearing a push-up bra and how it added a full cup size in just 2 minutes! Or maybe if I had rattled on about an eating disorder- "I don't really eat my food. I just chew it and spit it out. It's awesome!" 

I tried to overlook this vain line of conversation, thinking maybe it was just nervous prattling. We arrived at the bowling alley where he pulled out three bags of equipment and showed me all his balls- well, the ones for bowling anyway. He explained that he had special polishes for his balls and then asked me to smell his balls. One smelled like pineapple, another like peppermint. 

After bowling, he drove me to a car dealership- that was closed for the day- so we could look at a truck he thought was cool. We had to drive across town to see it, and he talked the entire time about  the different colors the truck came in. 

I don't actually remember if I went on a second date with J. It's possible I might have gone and dozed off in the middle of it. I do remember eventually telling him that we just didn't have enough in common to keep dating. 

Sometimes, I tell myself that if I find someone who is sweet and respectful that I can settle for "good enough." J was really sweet and respected me- and he had some nice looking muscles, but I would've spent my life trying to stay awake through his stories. 

Moral of today's story: Must find brains and brawn!

Married but dating

At every bridal shower I've ever attended, there's always at least one wise, experienced, married lady who gives the advice to "keep going on dates after you're married." I always thought it sounded like good advice to keep the romance alive. And I'm pretty sure the advice meant for the husband and wife to go on dates with each other, but perhaps some couples have taken it another direction. 

The time I unwittingly dated a married man, I was shocked and mortified to realize I had become the "other woman." It only lasted a few weeks before his wife and I both discovered his betrayal. After that experience, I became more cautious to be sure that I would not be anybody else's mistress. 

Lately, the trend has grown more disturbing as it seems married people have stopped keeping secrets about infidelity altogether. I've been propositioned to join couples as their, shall we say, "third party." And apparently "married but in an open relationship" has become a normal status on online dating sites. At least they're letting people know up front so I can respond that I DO NOT DATE MARRIED MEN - Not when I'm aware of it anyway. 

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I really thought that the point of getting married was that you had found "the one." Aren't you finally done playing the game? Isn't marriage when you can let yourself go because someone's going to love you til death do you part? 

Perhaps these people are remembering dating as more glamorous than it was.  Dating can be a lot of fun, but it can also be completely awful! Although, if you know you're already married, maybe it takes some pressure off and you wouldn't care if you had some sucky dates in the mix. 

Maybe this should be my new goal. To marry someone mediocre so I can date on the side without any expectations. Theoretically, I could talk myself into this plan, but I'm an old soul. I still want to find just one soul-mate. I don't want to let myself go, and I do want to keep dating after marriage- just with my husband. So today's moral of the story is: married men need not apply! 

From post-it's to texts

In the year 2014, we have very little need for paper anymore. Technology has changed the way we communicate and the way we do most of our mundane tasks. Think about it. We can pay our bills online, send emails instead of letters, and we don't even need paper to read books anymore! The one thing that hasn't changed? The fact that some things still need to be done face to face, person to person, heart to heart.

We all know about Carrie Bradshaw's infamous post-it note breakup on Sex and the City. Burger left a post-it note that said "I'm sorry I can't Don't hate me." The Post-It Breakup was a rude and insensitive way to communicate. Well, I recently experienced the 2014 update of the post-it breakup which is the text breakup.

I had only been dating "M" for a couple weeks.  We weren't serious at this point, but things seemed to be going well and I had even introduced him to my friends-which I rarely do. He was someone who knew how to take a lady on a proper date. Charming and gallant, he always opened my doors when he picked me up, planned dates in advance, and walked me to the door with a goodnight kiss. For someone who knew all the proper date etiquette, imagine my surprise when he abruptly sent me a text to break up with me! He just wasn't "feeling the us deal right now."

He explained more than that, and I'm actually not heartbroken about the loss of that relationship. Yes, I liked him and I was disappointed, but I had my reservations as well. The point is that we have forgotten how to communicate face to face. You know the saying "everything I really need to know, I learned in Kindergarten?" We adults would all benefit from a day spent in a Kindergarten classroom re-learning how to use our words!
When you have something important to say, you need to look at the person in the eyes and use your words to state your feelings. The same thing goes for apologies. When you hurt someone's feelings you need to 1. look at his/her face, 2. use a sincere voice to apologize, and 3. give them a hug to show that you mean it and you care.

To summarize:  Act like a kindergartner and use your words.

Tiny Hand

On the advice of a friend, I had signed up for Plenty of Fish (POF), a free dating website. Since it's free, the number of members is quite high, which logically makes sense that the pool from which to fish is larger. I did go on quite a few dates from this site, and we will at a later time discuss the virtues of quality over quantity. One of the dates I went on from POF was Tiny Hand.

Tiny Hand and I communicated for a couple weeks -mostly through text- before we decided to meet. At no point during our conversations did he mention that he has one normal-sized, proportional hand,  and also one teeny, tiny hand that was about the size of an infants foot with fingers like little, baby, pinky toes. I found this out when we met and he couldn't decide whether to try shaking my hand with his tiny nub or give me a casual side hug. He started to attempt both, but then did not follow through on either motion, making it very awkward. I smiled in an attempt to be warm and said it was really nice to meet him in person.

[As a side note to clarify, his tiny hand would not have been a deal-breaker for me, but I felt that it was something he should have mentioned beforehand. And if he thought that I would be too shallow to go out with him because of an abnormality, then he probably shouldn't have wanted to date me anyway. Right?]

When we met, it was the middle of summer and blazing hot. Those of you who know me, know that I HATE being hot! He had been texting me early in the day and said things like "I hope you're keeping cool. It's a scorcher out!" Now I knew we were planning to meet in the Old Market at 6pm, but I didn't know anything else that he had planned. So I thought I would mention my desire to be in air conditioning versus melting in the 104 degree heat. I said, "yeah, it's really hot out. I hope you're not planning for us to be outside for too long tonight. We might melt! :)" To which he responded that we wouldn't be outside for long. "Great," I thought, "he has something planned." I thought wrong.

After our awkward first moment where we neither shook tiny hands nor hugged hello, he suggested we walk. On a nice day, I enjoy walking around the Old Market and stopping in a shop or two, perhaps getting ice cream at Ted & Wally's or getting a drink at one of the novelty breweries. We did not enjoy any of the Old Market amenities that evening. We walked, and walked, and walked until finally he suggested we sit down at one of the pavilions with picnic tables. Then he told me all about his military and political conspiracy theories. I personally do not believe that the whole government is out to get us, but I don't think I even got the chance to say so. After sitting and sweating through his conspiracy theories, he finally took a breath and I jumped in with a suggestion that we head back.

When we finally made it to my car, I thought I was home free! I was not. He continued his barrage of incessant chatter about my car and what kind of seats it had or gas mileage it got. Finally, he said goodbye and gave me a brief hug.

I was dehydrated, hot, and hungry by the end of this date. I mean, seriously, we couldn't have even stopped for some ice water or something? So I called my good guy friend as I drove away, and he met me at a bar/pizza place. I was halfway through my margarita and just finishing my recap when Tiny Hand texted me, "Hi." Seriously? I left you less than an hour ago, and now you just want to say "hi?"

He wanted to apologize for the "odd ending to our date." I personally thought the whole date was odd, but I asked him what he meant. He said that he really wanted to kiss me goodbye, but didn't have the nerve. I thought, " Oh, honey, I really did not want that at all!" This is when I realized that I must be very polite when I'm bored out of my mind and annoyed.

[Again, I want to specify that his tiny hand was not the reason I was not interested.  I am not physically perfect in many ways so I would not hold it against someone to have an abnormality. I was not interested in him because of boring conversation and lack of consideration in planning a date.]

Moral of the story: Bring your own hydration if you don't know the plan for your date. Also, as another of my guy friends pointed out to me, women should not go on walking dates with men they've just met because it would be easy for them to kidnap a woman that way. I mean, I think I was safe since he probably couldn't steal me with just one full-sized hand, but I will not go on walking dates with strangers again.