Too Good To Be True

In the third grade, I had a huge crush on the new boy, Mitchell Blake. He was so dreamy. He had curly blonde hair, he had a cute smile, he could wiggle his ears without using his hands, and he knew how to break dance. 

I probably interacted with him as much as most 9 year old girls with a crush, which was seldom at best, but I talked to my friends about him all the time. Whenever we played games like the one where you say the alphabet when you twist your apple stem off the apple and have to say a boy that you would marry whose name started with that letter, I always tried to make it to the letter "m" so I could say Mitchell's name. 

One day at the end of music class, I was sitting in my row waiting for my turn to put my green music book back on the shelf when Mitchell Blake himself walked over to me and said four amazing words! "I like you, Bente."

I was stunned. He couldn't be serious. It was exactly what I wanted to hear, but it felt too good to be true. I looked around to see if other people were in on the joke, too. Thinking it was a joke, I did the worst thing a girl could do to a boy. I laughed. His face fell, and then I realized that this wasn't a joke. He really did like me! But now I'd ruined everything! He turned to walk away, and I stammered to say something. I tried to get him to wait or come back, but it was too late. I had crushed my crush. Now I felt crushed. 

I still think about my would-be-elementary-romance sometimes. I don't know how or why my 9 year old brain had already started to think I wasn't good enough to get the guy I wanted. I don't know who taught me to fear the worst and shun the best. I think that somehow if young girls are not specifically taught to be confident, they become insecure by default. 

Now, I'm not saying that I missed out on the love of my life in the 3rd grade, but I know that insecurity in my life has probably held me back in ways of which I'm not even aware.

Moral Of Today's Story: Assume the best. Assume that people have good intentions, that they are not out to trick you or hurt you. Be confident that when the dreamboat you've been crushing on finally declares his feelings for you, it's true. Very few people are truly malicious enough to hurt you on purpose, but many would love the chance to love you. 

Shopping

When people find out that I write a blog about dating, I very often hear statements like "Wow! You must go on a lot of dates!"  While it's true that I go on a lot of dates, it does not mean that I am in as many dating relationships.

When a woman says she spent the day shopping, the normal follow up question is "What did you buy?" Or perhaps, "Did you buy anything?" 

When I go on a date, I am shopping for a man I'd like to keep. This isn't bargain hunting where you buy a bunch of crap you don't need because it was 75% off plus a coupon on top. I am not collecting men who will hang in the back of my closet but never be taken out. I do not look for the right size man and take home one in every color! 

When I shop for a product I wish to purchase, I might ask friends for referrals, I often look online for more information, and when possible I definitely want to see it in person and experience it for myself. I will not know if someone or something is right for me without at least one experience, and in many cases I need several experiences to know. 

I am shopping for one man who is especially high quality to last for years. I need him to be versatile, multi-seasonal, able to be dressed up or down, goes with every outfit I might wear and to every occasion I might go. This type of high end man is a big investment, but definitely worth the price tag. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I shop around.

Moral Of Today's Story:

It pays to shop around! Don't settle for the bargain bin just because you didn't peruse the whole store. 

And when you are shopping for a mate, I do believe that calling it a date is the best way to let both parties know you have the same end goal in mind. Don't leave room for ambiguity by calling it something else like "friendship" or "hanging out" or the one I hate the most "non-date!"

The Other Radar

Have you ever had someone who just won't let go of your heart strings? He can't seem to commit or be there when you really need him, but every time he does the slightest thing - like texts out of the blue, gives you a great compliment, calls, or anything - you want to drop whatever you're doing to connect with him. Ten other men could tell me I'm beautiful, but I still want to hear it from him. My Heart String has been stringing me along for two years. He doesn't seem to know for sure if he actually wants a relationship, but then he tells me I'm the only one he's interested in romantically. I usually don't write about things I don't feel like I understand, but I don't know if I'll ever understand Heart String.

If you've read even one or two entries on this blog, then you know that I have had a lot of "good lunch stories" but not so many good dates. The last time I had a good date, the relationship ended within a few weeks when he chose to break up with me through a text message. (See "From Post-it's To Texts," May 2014) When I came home from a great date with M, Heart String must have sensed something in the atmosphere with his radar because he contacted me that night and we talked and he said he still had feelings for me. I felt like I was at the plot twist in a romantic comedy. It always happens that when you think the girl has moved on to another guy, the old flame reappears and you don't know which guy to root for!

Heart String and I started talking more and getting reacquainted. I wanted to be open with M so I told him that I was talking to both of them, and he was ok with that. Meanwhile, for some reason the stars never aligned or Heart String didn't seem to have the time for quite a while to see me. Well, things ended with M, and I still hadn't actually seen Heart String even though we were in contact several times a week. (I had a very close relationship with my iPhone at this point! Technology-only relationships may be a future topic on here.)

Every time Heart String suggested something for us to do, I somehow knew it wouldn't really happen. And guess what? It didn't.

I'd still been talking to to him, but I could almost physically feel the fact that I was on the back burner when it came to his priorities. I started talking to a new guy last week, and we actually had two pretty great dates. Well, Heart String and his magical radar must have sensed that I could be moving on! He texted during my date to see if I wanted to get together. I saw his message when I got home later, and I responded then. When he asked what I had been up to that evening, I felt conflicted. Like I was cheating or something even though the relationship I'd been in was truly only with the screen of my iPhone. I told him that I'd had feelings for him for a long time, but it was clear to me that he didn't want anything real with me. He disagreed, but not enough to fight for me. He said he could appreciate the irony of the fact that I was out with another man when he was asking to see me (finally).  

I don't have a moral of today's story. Today, I only have the hope that if my new guy (whose blog name I haven't yet decided) gets a hold of one of my heart strings, then he'll treat it nicely. I'm tired of sitting on the back burner like a pot that rarely gets stirred.

Oh, and I also have the question of Heart String's radar. How does he know when I'm on a good date? One time was a coincidence, but two times is uncanny!

Radar

We always hear a lot about women having intuition, which I can verify is true. Men, however, have their own types of intuition that I like to call radars. They have a primitive animal instinct where they act on their senses without thinking it out and talking it out like women do based on their intuition. I don't know if these things are ever discussed - perhaps at the secret man cave meetings, but I think that when the radar goes off they all just know things and assume everyone else knows, too.

I've experienced a couple types of radars, and I'll tell you about one of them today. The first is one that I heard about through urban legend/one of my besties. Similar to the saying "once you go black, you never go back," she told me that once you show interest in or go out with a black guy then all the other black guys know. I thought this was kind of silly at the time she told me. How would anyone just know instinctively who I'm dating or open to dating? I always thought people are people. I never set out to look specifically for any ethnicity. I'm just looking for attractive, kind men. But at this point now in my experience, I would have to say that some guys must have a more finely tuned radar.

The first time I ever went out with a black guy, we were still in pre-date texting the week when all the other dudes came out of the woodwork! I was at a seminar for work and the only black guy in the room started flirting with me. I went to run errands and all the black guys in the stores were hitting on me. The lone black guy at the gas station stopped to tell me that I smelled like an angel. What happened? Did I flip a magic switch?

I texted my bestie and said "all the black guys are after me!" She was not surprised because she had been in several inter-racial dating scenes. She told me that's just what happens because they all think they have a chance with me now.

I was still a little confused about this phenomenon so I asked my guy friend who happens to be black about it. He said that "Yeah, it's just something you sense. You know if a girl only dates guys of her race or not." Honestly, he seemed a little surprised that I would ask such an apparently stupid question. Clearly, he operates on finely tuned instincts that do not even need to be discussed.

Well, some of you may be wondering what happened with the guy I went out with. We went on a few dates that actually went pretty well until his wife called me and asked me why my number kept showing up on her husband's phone. So the poo hit the fan, and that was the end of that! This was the first of, unfortunately, many times that I've had to state, "I do not date married men." Not once I know that they're married anyway.

Moral Of Today's Story: Everybody has some level of intuition or radar. Learn to tune yours in to the important things. For example, I am much better at figuring out if dudes are married when they ask me out now. You can also gain a much more accurate sense of who in the room is checking you out and who is open to approaching/being approached. In the words of Dr. Spock, "Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do."

Reading Between The Text Lines

There are many times that we women read into things that really should be taken at face value. This is especially true of communication with men. Men, unless they are purposely deceiving or manipulating you, will say what they mean. Men do not have the word games and mind games that women have concocted. That being said, there are some instances where men do not state everything on their minds. So here are a few insights into what that text or statement might really mean.

Text:

"Good morning, beautiful!"

His thoughts:

"I woke up and immediately thought of you."
                 -or-
"I think you're beautiful."
                 -or-
 "I'm currently picturing you naked."

Text:

"Hey"

His thoughts:

"I don't know what to say, but I wanted to connect with you."
                 -or-
"It's been a while and you're probably mad at me so I'm venturing to communicate by just saying 'hey.'"
                 -or-
 "I'm currently picturing you naked."

Text:

"I'm so sorry I didn't get back to you. I misplaced my phone and couldn't find it until late last night!"

His thoughts:

"I was out with another girl, but I want to keep you both as options. Losing my phone sounds plausible. Yeah, I'll just say that's what happened."
                 -or-
"OMG, I really did lose my phone, but it sounds so fake! She's going to think I'm lying! Arg!"
                 -or-
"I'm currently picturing you naked."


Text:

"We should meet up for coffee or a drink sometime."

His Thoughts:

"I wonder if she prefers a latte or a macchiato. Maybe we'll try that new coffee shop"
                 -or-
"I don't necessarily mean anytime soon. But I'd like to string you along and have my options open for a while."
                 -or-
"I'm terrible at scheduling, but maybe she has a good suggestion for time and place."
                 -or-
"I'm currently picturing you naked."



Text:

"What are you wearing?"

His Thoughts:

"I'm currently picturing you naked."


Moral Of Today's Story:
You don't always know what someone means when he writes behind the mask of his phone. Assume the best. Most often, guys say what they mean. Just be aware that there are, unfortunately, some guys who don't have honest intentions. Trust your instincts. You know more than you think you do.

Mr. Checklist

I went on a coffee date recently with a man who was very preoccupied with how many "points" he was getting and how many "boxes on the checklist" he was marking. They were fair questions, and I've been asked similar things before - just maybe a little less so from some others. 

I told him that I used to have a checklist, but I threw it out after I met a few guys who checked all the boxes. On paper, they made perfect sense, but in reality I just didn't feel a spark. Maybe the criteria I'm looking for can't be measured only with paper. (Oh look, an argument against standardized testing. Wait, that's not what this blog is about...)

I literally did have a paper checklist. Some of those so-called "experts" who write dating books have suggested writing lists of what you're looking for in a mate. I even recall writing lists as a group activity in my dorm devotions during my freshman year. (This would, again, be the influence of a confused Christian society. Darn that Joshua Harris!)

While knowing what you must have and what you simply cannot live with in a mate is necessary, there are intangible things that couldn't possibly be written on paper. 

Mr. Checklist was a nice guy although perhaps a little too eager to please. When I turned down his offer for a second date, he asked if I would tell him what he could have done better so he could learn for the next time. I told him he didn't do anything wrong, I just rely on my intuition over lists anymore. There's just a chemistry that you either feel or you don't feel. There's no way to fake it. Good chemistry is an immediate and illogical sense that you already know someone and you are completely comfortable being yourself with him. 

I used to have the philosophy that if I just took more time to get to know someone, then I could perhaps develop feelings of chemistry. I can't. Maybe some people can. But for me, I usually know right off the bat - even if it is sometimes in retrospect when I realize I knew all along. 

Moral Of Today's Story: Use your checklist as a starting point - perhaps even a pre-screening questionnaire. But when you're with him, listen to your instincts. Do you feel illogically and irrevocably connected? Good. That's chemistry. Or in the words of Carrie Bradshaw, it's "the zazazu!" 

The Real Non-Date

I've mentioned the non-date phenomenon before (see Christians Who Mingle) and how some people use that term basically for fear of rejection after a real date. Well, if you're really on a non-date, you simply think -and call it- that you're hanging out. Nosy Nellies who are observing may want to put labels on things so maybe that's where the "non-date" originated. 

Recently, I attended a wedding unaccompanied. I knew I would be hanging out with some single friends in the bridal party at the reception so I didn't worry about bringing someone for the sake of bringing someone. 

One of my guy friends who was unattached at that time was also there so we mingled together and we were seated at the same table. Suddenly strangers and vaguely familiar acquaintances wanted to know how long we'd been together. Where did we meet? Someone I just met told me that my friend and I would have beautiful red-headed children together! That's not too personal at all! And people I'd met several times before but had forgotten me now wanted to introduce themselves to me because apparently now I was important! (Clearly my friend is much more memorable to this crowd than I was) 

Later in the evening I was talking to a few friends about a date I had scheduled in a couple days. I could see the Nosy Nellies looking perplexed as they eavesdropped. They must've wondered if I was just so liberated that I feel at ease talking to all my boyfriends about my other boyfriends!

Don't be silly. My boyfriends don't know about each other unless they ask. 

This situation reminded me of my freshman year in college when I had a guy friend in all the same classes as me. We got to be good friends, which was nice since I would have had to see him all day anyway. And truthfully, I did have a huge crush on him, but nothing ever happened. The strange thing was that people were always asking me what was going on between us. "Are you dating? Is he your boyfriend? You're always with that tall guy. Is he your brother or your boyfriend?" I guess that person thought there were only two options for male roles. 

I would have expected my friends to be nosy about our status, but not strangers on the sidewalk. 

Moral Of Today's Story: If you don't know someone, then you probably don't need to ask about their relationship status. Especially mine because my life is pretty much just an open blog now. Seriously though, it comes across like you're a creepy stranger when you walk up to someone and start asking personal questions without so much as a "how do you do."

The Interview

First dates have often been compared to job interviews and vice-versa. When you prepare for a job interview, you think of what you want out of the position, expectations, and things you're willing to sacrifice for a great job. When I go on a date, I often think about the same things. Positions-well maybe I don't think about that one on the first date- expectations, and sacrifices I'd be willing to make for a great relationship.

For both occasions,you carefully choose what you'll wear, consider the message the length of your skirt sends, and find the right balance of not too much makeup and not too little. On the interview you hope to look competent, professional, and intelligent. On a date, you hope to look attractive, sexy-but-not-slutty, and again intelligent.

Job interviews and first dates have a long list of similarities when you start to think about it, but hopefully the date is more fun than the interview. For one thing, having a drink is usually not acceptable on an interview but more than fine on a date!

When I met Hair Gel, I was rebounding from Mr. Nice Guy (see previous post). I had a hard time remembering his name even at that time, but I will never forget the scent of his hair gel that so thickly coated his hair. 

I met Hair Gel at Starbucks and he gave me his spiel. He had just finished grad school and was moving to New York in two months to take a job. He was excited about going to New York, but had decided he would like to find a wife with good ol' Midwestern values. His objective then was to find a suitable candidate in the time he was still in Nebraska and then he would like to move her to New York shortly after he was settled, assuming she was ready. Well, no pressure there. 

At the end of our evening, he shook my hand and said he found me very interesting and would like to meet with me again. I barely managed to refrain from calling him "sir" in my reply. I had passed the first test! I'm a nice Nebraska girl with real Midwestern values that transfer to New York.  

The next day, he called and thanked me for our date. He said "I find you attractive and interesting, and I would very much like to take you out again."  I agreed and we went out a couple more times actually. After those couple dates, I ended things for two reasons. 1. I really wasn't over Mr. Nice Guy yet, and 2. I couldn't stand the smell of Hair Gel's hair gel. I felt like I was wrapped in a cloud of it every time I stood near him!

Moral Of Today's Story:  Dating should be a lot more fun than work. While I appreciated some aspects of his business-like demeanor, I personally don't think any good date should end with a hand shake. That's usually how I end dates where I'm not even willing to hug the man. And men, if you want women to get close to you for more than the handshake, make sure you don't overload your hair with smelly gel!

It's not you, it's me

After a slew of bad dates including Tiny Hand and Señor Gimpy, I met Mr. Romantic. Mr. Romantic said all the right things and did all the right things. He took me on very romantic and well-planned dates.He had all his limbs and didn't even hobble when he walked. He was respectful even while we perused an art gallery with pieces that provoked somewhat inappropriate humor from me. He laughed and loosened up a bit when I cracked the first "that's what she said" joke. The problem was I just didn't like him.

The first sign was that after our first date, I was much more excited about the restaurant than the man. The restaurant we went to had been reviewed by the Food Network and this was my first time there. Afterwards, I told my friends about the truffle risotto before I described Mr. Romantic. It occurred to me that perhaps my priorities were skewed...but on the other hand, good risotto is hard to find.

 On our second date, he took me miniature golfing, then to dinner, then on a scenic stroll around the Lincoln Haymarket where he kissed me just as the sun was setting. It should have been ideal. A date like that with a perfectly timed kiss should have been playing on repeat in my mind, but it wasn't. There were no sparks.

I couldn't figure out why I just wasn't into him, but I thought maybe we just needed time. Maybe I've been on so many bad dates that I'm in shock over being on good dates. Maybe I prefer the drama of jerks and cheaters....No, that's not it.

Well, later that night, he told me about his living situation. He and his ex-fiance had bought a house together, and for some complicated reasons they couldn't sell it at that time. In short, he was still living in the same house as his fiance. He explained that they were more like roommates with their own spaces now, but that was still a big red flag for me.

I cancelled our next date and told him I couldn't see him when he was still entangled with his ex-fiance. Truthfully, I was a little relieved to have a real reason to not see him. And then I realized, that my feelings are real and they are reason enough. I would've come to that conclusion fairly soon anyway, but sometimes you just have to trust your gut in the first place.

Moral Of Today's Story:  Just because someone is nice doesn't mean you have to date them. They might check off all the boxes on your metaphorical list, but it's the intangibles that make you fall in love with someone. You can't rationalize yourself to have feelings for the nice guy, and you can't rationalize yourself out of feelings for that bad boy. But either way, cohabiting with an ex should be a rational reason not to pursue a relationship.