I have a problem in my dating life which has never been addressed by Cosmo or Buzzfeed or any of Steve Harvey's relationship self-help books. I kind of can't believe that no one else is talking about it. Perhaps if another woman had shared her woes then I wouldn't have had to learn the hard way. So I've decided that I have to step up and be that woman who can spare someone else the same hardships. I am talking about losing my earrings. This is no coy euphemism. I literally keep losing my earrings!
There have been times I've somehow forgotten to put on my earrings and I've actually had my date mention disappointedly "oh, you're not wearing earrings today." This has happened more than once so now if I can help it, I always wear earrings when I go out.
Wearing the earrings out isn't actually the problem though. It's staying in where they magically fall out and get lost in the couch cushions. Just like socks lose their mates in the laundry and Tupperware lids wander off in the cupboards, earrings disappear into the abyss of flecked carpet patterns when you canoodle.
Now some of you are still not concerned because you're thinking the earring will just turn up eventually. And in many cases you would be correct. In the cases of long-term, stable relationships your earrings are safe. If you're at the point where he's buying you new earrings, you're safe.
However, it's 2017 and we live in an age of "ghosting" and "bread-crumbing" and serious, relationship-ruining anxiety disorders! Any one of these issues may cause your boyfriend to disappear without returning your earrings that you left on an end table at his place! He might throw out your favorite hoops! Or he'll pack them up and take them to Chicago when he ghosts you. He might not have yet found your favorite pink stud in the couch! And if he finds it now, do you really think that he's going to return it?! Maybe he found it and now he likes to hold it and fondly remember your beauty...and how he royally effed up by letting me- I mean you- get away. But I digress.
Moral Of Today's Story:
I see at least three clear solutions to this rampant earring losing.
1. Only wear your nice earrings out with your girlfriends. After all, they will be the ones who are impressed with your clearance find at Kate Spade and also appreciate how the color accents your highlights.
2. Buy cheap ugly earrings for your dates. Perhaps you'll give him incentive to buy you some nice jewelry! Or at least you won't be sad when you do lose them.
3. The best solution I could possibly come up with is from the wisdom of Bridget Jones. It was one of her previous New Year's resolutions in fact. "I will not fall for any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, people with girlfriends or wives, misogynists, megalomanics, chauvists, emotional fuckwits or freeloaders, perverts." If we avoid all of the above, then we will always get our earrings back.
