How To Marry Brad Pitt

Ladies, we've all been told for generations that the man you want to marry will never buy the cow if he's getting the milk for free. (To whomever decided to refer to us as cows, thank you for adding to my image complex!)

Well, obviously this rule does not apply universally because if you want someone of Brad Pitt's caliber, there is a step by step plan of action:

1. Stop being creepy! This means no more wearing vials of blood around your neck or making out with your brother in front of paparazzi!

2. Update your image. Start being charitable and go on some trips to help orphans in Africa. Nobody can talk smack about you when your comeback line is "yeah, I just built a well for thirsty orphans in Africa, and then I adopted one." 

3. Aim for the stars! Hollywood stars that is. Set your sights high. It doesn't even matter if he's already married. That is just a small obstacle, and you are definitely up for the challenge!

4. Pretend you don't want to get married. Make up some political bull honky about how you won't get married until same sex marriage is legalized everywhere. This takes the pressure off your wish-he-was-groom because he thinks you're all cool, independent, and passionately political now. Don't worry, you only have to keep this up until he finally proposes. When people ask if you abandoned your stance on marriage, just tell them you have to fly to Africa in the morning and don't have time for their questions!

5. Bide your time. Ok, so he proposed but won't set a date? That's ok, you can find something to occupy yourself. Don't have a hobby? Have a few kids! Not only will you be busy (mostly wiping noses and changing diapers), but this ensures that he's legally bound to you already so he might as well go through with getting married. 

6. Have a secret wedding! Now, if the paparazzi are a concern, a secret at-home wedding is the way to go. In fact, to be really sure news doesn't get out, you probably shouldn't even invite your whole family. Father of the bride? Eh, he'll  just find out when the story breaks. No biggie. 

Moral Of Today's Story:  I'd rather be a Jen than an Angelina. The winner is not always the one with a trophy husband and kids. I'd rather be a lady of character who can make simple statements like "I never stole anybody's husband." Or "No, I've never made out with my brother." 

Call me old-fashioned, but I'm a Jen. 

Passive-Aggressive Is The New Black

A few months ago, I thought being dumped in a text message was offensive, but do you know what's worse than that? Not even getting a text message, that's what! 

I've been a little frustrated with The Boss lately because he's been too busy to meet my friends, see me more than once every week or so, and now apparently he can't be bothered even to reply to a text message!

The past couple weekends he's had flimsy excuses for not coming to get together's with my friends. This past weekend he had said he'd let me know later in the day if he could come since he wanted to work on some work projects. Well, he just flat out ignored my message later. Twenty-four hours after that, I still had not heard from him. Rude! 

So I texted him and he explained about some work issues that kept him busy. I refrained from ranting about how I feel he needs boundaries for his work/social life balance and how he probably just shouldn't check emails and things on Saturday night! 

Instead I told him that it was hurtful for him to ignore me and that I felt he should at least respond to me to say he couldn't hang out with me after all. It is three full days later and I haven't heard a word from him! So all I can assume is that he is passive aggressively breaking up with me. (Either that or he's going to act like it was no big deal and want to hang out whenever he finds himself with free time. 

In which case, perhaps I will passive aggressively break up with him.)

The bar for the men I date has gotten so low. All I'm asking for is that you care that I'm upset, and that if you are the one who made me upset then you apologize-in a timely and appropriate manner! That sounds pretty basic, right? 

After all the crises and work problems I've helped him talk through and work out, he doesn't have five minutes to show some reciprocity to me! 

Moral Of Today's Story: If you care about someone, you have to show it. I won't believe your words anymore when your actions don't line up! This just in:  passive aggressive is so last season!  

Grumpy Old Men

Deep down - or sometimes not so deep down - inside every male lives a grumpy old man. The voices of Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon rumble in a man's head telling them the way things ought to be. The older and/or grumpier the man, the more likely it is for you to hear these voices out loud.

The Boss is often a grumpy old man. He doesn't even deny it. He tells me he's too old to sit on the ground instead of a chair. He's too old to stay up all night. He's too grumpy to put up with shenanigans from co-workers. (Although, he's not old enough to use the word shenanigans. That one probably came from me because I have an "old soul.")

He likes to jokingly mutter things about "oh, you women." He tells me that my lipgloss when I kiss him feels like he's been eating greasy chicken. (Not that it stops him from wanting a kiss.) He refuses to drink any sort of pink cocktail even though I told him it's delicious! Apparently, all pink drinks are "girl drinks" and food that doesn't contain meat is "girl food." He is surprised when he likes a movie or tv show that I want to watch, and he tells me each time that "I didn't think I would enjoy that, but it was pretty funny."

I don't know why he's surprised that I have good taste. Yes, I like girly things. Yes, I texted him when I thought Ezra's character had been killed on Pretty Little Liars. And sometimes I forget who I'm talking to, and I exclaim things like, "Have you ever seen such a gorgeous yellow teapot?!" To which, he looks at me like I've lost my head. On second thought, nevermind. I think I understand why he doubted my movie selections.

As I'm considering what a grumpy old man The Boss can be, I realize that I have the voice of a nagging old lady in my head. Somewhat of a "Marie Barone," if you will. I nag him to eat his vegetables or sometimes I throw out his low quality food - you know, things with high fructose corn syrup or MSG. I may have offered some constructive criticism of the way he was drying his dishes, but I'm just trying to help!

Moral Of Today's Story:  It's possible that in looking for someone to grow old with...I may have just grown OLD!  As long as you're with someone who recognizes your good intentions and appreciates the honest give and take, then it's not a bad thing to be a couple of Jack Lemmon's and Marie Barone's.

Quit Playing Games With My Heart

I had a discussion with a friend this week about relationship games that men and women play. Apparently, he had been given some advice by a male friend of his who happens to be married that he should play more games, such as playing hard to get. This married man literally told my single friend that he should "treat women like crap, let her know she doesn't mean as much to you as she thinks, and put her in her place!"

How romantic! I hope somebody will put me in my place! I love being treated like I don't matter! 

Now, I have said it before and I will say it again: most people who get married just got lucky enough to find the right person at the right time. Most do not possess greater knowledge or skill than the average single person. Therefore, be aware from whom you are getting your advice. Marital status alone is not a qualifying credential! 

Let's consider some of the common games we play. There's hard to get, making someone jealous, seduction, crying or pouting to get your way (Men, leave this one up to the ladies. It's just better that way), tough guy, monosyllabic and emotionally unavailable, silent treatment, phone chicken (when you wait and see which one of you will give in and call first after a period of silence or a fight).

The thing about these games is that you don't  actually want anyone to know you're playing. It's all about emotional manipulation. But what some of us fail to recognize is that even if you try not to play games, the results are inevitable. 

Women will always get upset and cry about things that are baffling and nonsensical to men. We ladies don't have to try to be sensitive because we were just born sensitive. Likewise, men will very often seem emotionally distant or like they're trying to act aloof. They're not acting! They are aloof, and they don't have the emotional needs that most women have. 

In the 1990's, there were a couple ladies who wrote a best-selling book on this topic called "The Rules." The Rules were everywhere -- on talk shows, in magazines, every college girl working on her MRS degree had a copy! You might even remember it being referred to on episodes of Sex And The City. They went on to write consecuive installments in The Rules series. The latter books talked about the emotional games used to keep their husbands once they found them. One of the authors got divorced during the time they published "The Rules for Marriage: Time-Tested Secrets for Making Your Marriage Work." Isn't that ironic?

(Side note:  The song "Ironic" by Alanis Morissette came out the same year as "The Rules.")

Moral Of Today's Story: In the words of the Backstreet Boys, "quit playing games with my heart!" Emotional manipulation happens as a part of nature. You don't have to add to it with excessive rules, theories and plays. If you're being genuine and communicating respectfully, that's good. If it starts to feel like you're strategizing your emotional takedowns... Then you may want to consider taking up a competitive sport instead.