How To Marry Brad Pitt

Ladies, we've all been told for generations that the man you want to marry will never buy the cow if he's getting the milk for free. (To whomever decided to refer to us as cows, thank you for adding to my image complex!)

Well, obviously this rule does not apply universally because if you want someone of Brad Pitt's caliber, there is a step by step plan of action:

1. Stop being creepy! This means no more wearing vials of blood around your neck or making out with your brother in front of paparazzi!

2. Update your image. Start being charitable and go on some trips to help orphans in Africa. Nobody can talk smack about you when your comeback line is "yeah, I just built a well for thirsty orphans in Africa, and then I adopted one." 

3. Aim for the stars! Hollywood stars that is. Set your sights high. It doesn't even matter if he's already married. That is just a small obstacle, and you are definitely up for the challenge!

4. Pretend you don't want to get married. Make up some political bull honky about how you won't get married until same sex marriage is legalized everywhere. This takes the pressure off your wish-he-was-groom because he thinks you're all cool, independent, and passionately political now. Don't worry, you only have to keep this up until he finally proposes. When people ask if you abandoned your stance on marriage, just tell them you have to fly to Africa in the morning and don't have time for their questions!

5. Bide your time. Ok, so he proposed but won't set a date? That's ok, you can find something to occupy yourself. Don't have a hobby? Have a few kids! Not only will you be busy (mostly wiping noses and changing diapers), but this ensures that he's legally bound to you already so he might as well go through with getting married. 

6. Have a secret wedding! Now, if the paparazzi are a concern, a secret at-home wedding is the way to go. In fact, to be really sure news doesn't get out, you probably shouldn't even invite your whole family. Father of the bride? Eh, he'll  just find out when the story breaks. No biggie. 

Moral Of Today's Story:  I'd rather be a Jen than an Angelina. The winner is not always the one with a trophy husband and kids. I'd rather be a lady of character who can make simple statements like "I never stole anybody's husband." Or "No, I've never made out with my brother." 

Call me old-fashioned, but I'm a Jen.