The Frenchman

When I really like a guy, I always remember what outfit or special accessories I wore with him. The next time I see that blouse or skirt or whatever  hanging in my closet I pull it out and reminisce about what special moments we had. The clothes make me think about the care I took to look nice or how he made me feel pretty just by the way he looked at me. So after I couldn't remember what I wore on my date last week, I knew it wasn't meant to be. 

The Frenchman was admittedly a rebound after the boyfriend I still have not brought myself to blog about. The thing that makes dating a French man so different is that the French culture is inherently romantic. They lavish sweet compliments and would do anything to make you happy, but they do it all before they know much about you. When he would speak honeyed words, I kept thinking, "yeah, I'm great, but you don't know that yet. Calm down!"

For example, when he said he's allergic to dairy, I said I love yogurt and I would have a hard time giving that up. He looked deeply into my eyes and said, "you love yogurt? If I'd known, I would have brought you some." 

"In the middle of a sushi restaurant you would bring me yogurt?" I asked.

With even more tenderness and still looking deep in my eyes he said, "Because you love it." 

Now, this might actually be the sweetest thing anyone has ever wished for me. Thinking that I should have something just because I love it is more than most guys have done for me.

After the Frenchman took me for sushi,  he pulled out a beautiful bouquet of yellow flowers from his car. He had asked me my favorite color earlier that day, which at the time I actually thought was a rather blase conversation topic. When I said I like pink and yellow, he responded "yellow is nice." As if he's disapproving of my other favorite! When I texted him after the date that I was admiring the pretty flowers at home and thanked him again for his thoughtfulness, he stated simply, "yellow is pretty." One of many three word texts from him. 

A lot of our conversation felt like an interview and I could sense how much he wants to find the right woman. He texted me two days after we met and asked what our next step was. Where is our relationship going?? I guess he was wanting affirmation that I was still interested, but it seemed obvious to me that he would either ask me on another date or...not. Is there really any other option??

So after some coaching,we agreed we would go out again and get to know each other better. And he picked a day one week after our first date. Then he said we could decide after our second date whether or not we wanted to be in a relationship. I kept getting the feeling he wanted to get to the bottom line.

We carried on a texting conversation over the next couple days, in which I told him that I was crocheting a pillow for a friend. He was very impressed with my domestic skills! He texted "I want to be in a relationship with you." 

I asked if he wanted to date me because of my crocheting skills. I'm not entirely sure he understood he question, but he said yes. 

I told him I still would like to go on a second date - maybe a third or fourth - before defining our relationship. He agreed...until the next day. 

The next day, he texted me that he felt I was communicating less than a few days ago and if I wasn't really interested I needed to let him know. He went on to say that he didn't want to play games and that he didn't want to drag himself into this relationship just to hit the wall. 

Let me first say that I had been texting detailed accounts of my day to give him a glimpse of who I am and what odd or interesting things I do. While his messages to me were always along the lines of "my day was good." 

So at this point I'm starting to wonder if he's bipolar or if it's common for French people to be so up and down in their emotions. Yesterday he was dying to lock this thing down, and today he's so afraid of being led on that he's demanding I turn him loose now! 

I felt offended that he would suggest I might be playing games, but truthfully I wasn't feeling a strong connection and I probably wasn't replying to him as quickly as someone I was really into. 

Although I told him - and I believe - that it puts too much pressure on both parties to try to figure out everything out after one meeting, after another 24 hours of labored conversation and the fact that I can't remember what I wore on our date, I gave him the definitive statement he was looking for. I didn't want to go on a second date. 

Moral of Today's Story:

I could probably get used to be wooed and romanced, but not if it includes a grown man acting as emotional and insecure as a junior high girl! But next time I like a man enough that I remember what I wore on our date, I'll tell him that I can crochet and see if that clinches the relationship! 

8 Simple Rules To Be My Boyfriend

There are so many things that I, as a woman, assume men know about dating or merely talking to women. I could tell a  one sentence story to a female friend and she immediately knows why I'm upset and the rationale to support my argument. When talking to a boyfriend, I have to lay out all the facts, cite my source, argue my thesis, and then he finally realizes why I'm upset. 

So for any new boyfriend applicants, here are my basic rules and expectations. I cannot claim that other women have the same set of rules for themselves. I cannot claim that this list is all encompassing of my needs. But if you have any qualms about the following, then you need not proceed any further with your application for the position. 

1. Speak my love language.  If you're not familiar with the book The Five Love Languages, pick up a copy and familiarize yourself with the "words of affirmation" chapter as that is my top love language. Love languages are just the way we feel cared for. I need to hear you tell me what you appreciate about me. You're free to choose your own phrasing or vary the compliment. In fact you'll need to vary what you say so it doesn't become trite or routine. Tell me your favorite features of mine. Or tell me how witty and entertaining I am. This goes both ways because I will also be appreciating wonderful and attractive aspects of you! 

2. Always hug or kiss me hello and goodbye. I'm affectionate. Get used to it. If we're with a group of people, you don't have to kiss me in front of them. We're definitely not going to be that gross couple that makes out in front of their friends, but there's a chance we might be that annoyingly cutesy couple that gives little pecks and holds hands all the time.

3. I must hear from you at least once every 24 hours. I know we're both busy, but at a minimum I need a text from you on days I don't see you. I worry about you. And if I have called or texted you, then you need to respond -- preferably within 12 hours, but definitely not more than 24 hours. After 25 hours I will wonder if you've been in an accident, which hospital you're in, if you have a secret double life, how many other women you're seeing, or I will simply be plotting your murder.

4. You need to make definite plans with me. I don't want to sit around wondering if we have a date. I know you think I'm spontaneous and fun and that I always look amazing with no effort, but I need time to get ready. I need to know what I'm wearing, if I'm shaving my legs, if I should eat dinner or if we're getting food. When you tell me specific details like date and time or location, I don't have to wonder if you're blowing me off. I know I'm going to see you again and then I get to look forward to seeing you instead of thinking about how you've broken rule #3 and I need to make your murder look like an accident.

5. Be willing to fight with me.  We're going to disagree about something at some point. You're going to hurt my feelings. I will do things that irritate you. That's just how relationships go, but when these things happen I need you to talk to me. Don't avoid me because I'm mad. That only gives my anger more time to percolate and boil over! And don't push your own feelings down because you don't want to deal with confrontation. I would like to know if I'm doing something that vexes you.

Also, I have been told by men that have seriously pissed me off that they were nervous to talk to me, but it was much easier talking to me than they thought. *References are available only upon request. 

6. Be willing to fight for me. At the beginning or prelude to a relationship there are sometimes problems like schedules, distance, other suitors, fear, or self-doubt. I'm a good catch. Tell me how you feel. Tell me what your afraid of. Fight through the obstacles and at least give "us" a real try. 

7. Hold me when I cry. A lot of guys are frightened by female displays of emotion, but as my boyfriend, you are obligated to care that I'm upset. Also, it's pretty rare for me to cry in front of other people so if you happen to see it you should feel a little honored that I trust you. And if you happen to have caused the tears--the quickest solution is still just to hold me. And then lie to me just this one time and tell me that I'm not an ugly crier.  

8. Do life as well as dates. I want to be romanced and for us to do new, fun things together. But I also want to see you in your natural habitat. I want to spend time with you in the kitchen, on the couch, and other rooms we may visit 😉. I want to go to the symphony with you, and I want to go to the grocery store with you. We need a balance of casual Netflix nights in and nights out on the town. It's really about the pleasure of your company. 

Notice: This is not an all encompassing list. It is subject to additions or change, and once subscribed to official boyfriend status you will receive updates via text or email. 

Tossed salad and scrambled eggs

After months of wondering where the intelligent, witty men had gone, I met someone who had a clever sense of humor, was educated, made delightful conversation, had kind of a sexy job-defuses bombs for a living [swoon], and we both loved the sitcom Frasier! 

This last trait may not sound like a noteworthy point to some of you, but to me in my fandom it revealed a depth of camaraderie. The only other person I know who shares my deep appreciation for Frasier is my sister who actually pleaded with me not to name this particular date after Frasier. Sorry, Sis. In my head I still call him "Fraiser Fan" even though I obviously know his real name.

Frasier Fan and I chatted for a week or two before deciding to meet up. Unfortunately, Frasier Fan suffers from a common male ailment- he sucks at making plans! We had a loosely outlined idea of meeting up for coffee or a drink one night, but then he "left his phone at work." So I didn't hear from him after I sent a late afternoon text asking if he had a place he'd like to meet. We didn't meet at all that night. In fact, I didn't hear from him for over 24 hours until he sent me a text joking about something going on at work. Seriously?! We're just going to pretend that you didn't blow me off last night? We're just going back to joking and conversating like nothing happened?

I called him out on his rudeness and he acknowledged his faux pas and apologized. Then he made a real plan to meet up for a date. 

We had a delightful evening sharing sushi and drinks, strolling downtown, browsing through an antique store, conversing with ease, and he rounded off the night with a gentlemanly hug and a request to see me again. 

He had made a good plan for this date, but I should note that at the last minute he changed our destination and that his phone was about to die when he texted his new location to me. It died completely when I arrived. So I was relieved that it wasn't ten minutes later when I confirmed where we were going. At this point, I was starting to get the feeling that Frasier Fan is one of those men with good intentions, but who needs a woman to organize him--a secretary, a mother, a girlfriend or wife- he needs someone to help!

Now, Frasier Fan had made a point of telling me a couple times that he'd be deployed out of the country for a month soon. So we tried to schedule another date before he left U.S. soil. But then he disappeared again. We had decided on a night that worked with both of our schedules, but then the day before we were supposed to see each other again I just didn't hear from him...again. I assume he left the country a few days later, and by this point I'm pretty sure he's now returned. 

I'm baffled why a man would initiate contact with me in the first place if he's got no follow through. If you're not interested, then I understand why you're ghosting me, but then you made an effort again. (Side note: ghosting is a term that's been coined in recent years to mean that a romantic interest disappeared and cut off all communication. I learned this term after the first time I was ghosted by "The Boss." See previous post) You wanted to see me. You wanted me to know that you'd be out not the country and out of contact so I wouldn't think you were ghosting me at that point. Are you seriously this disorganized that you can't schedule dates? Do you really forget your phone or forget to charge it on a regular basis?

Moral of today's story:

Frasier would not approve of this rudeness of ghosting. As many foibles as the man had in his own dating life, it's just not ok to disappear without saying a word. 

Commitment Phobia 101

I have often been baffled by men who have a fear of commitment. How can you think I'm wonderful but still be afraid of being with me?! Some light was shed on this topic recently when I was discussing with some girlfriends why I don't like to commit to one hair stylist. My hair stylist commitment phobia parallels what I believe are some of the male relationship issues. Below are my thoughts on hair stylists along with the man's explanation or, if you will, the mansplanation of the problem.

1.  I liked what the stylist did with my hair. Had no complaints, but what if someone else can do it even better?

Mansplanation: She's hot, but what if there's someone hotter?! Or in less chauvinistic terms, he may just need to get more experience meeting and dating other women before he's ready to settle down and commit to one woman. 

2.  I've been seeing the same stylist for a while now, but she keeps raising the price every time I go. My haircut isn't changing so why is she charging me more? 

Mansplanation: I've been seeing this girl who seems really fun, but every time we hang out she seems to want more. She keeps talking about meeting the parents, our future and where we're headed, or her expectation of dates is a lot more high maintenance than mine. My desire to hang out and have fun hasn't changed so why is she trying to make this a serious relationship?

3. Not only does my stylist want to charge me $50 for a trim, she also tells me I should come in for a trim every seven weeks! Ain't nobody got time for that! And for that price, my hair shouldn't look exactly the same when I leave.

Mansplanation: Demanding, bossy, time consuming, high maintenance...these are the downside that commitment phobics are seeing when you talk about a relationship.

4. I want to be spontaneous with my hair or go to different stylists for different things. On multiple occasions, I have been out running errands and decided that I need a haircut so I impulsively stopped somewhere. I know a couple locations where I trust whoever would be randomly assigned to me, and I would let them do a cut and color or whatever. Then other times if I need something simple like a basic trim I might even stop somewhere cheap and easy!  

Mansplanation: This one isn't hard to figure out. Sometimes you just don't want to date only one person. You want to call up someone spontaneously to go dancing or booty call the girl you know responds to booty calls -- that would be the cheap and easy parallel here. But just like I wouldn't let just anyone try a new, daring haircut on me, he knows he can't pick up booty-call-chick and take her to a family wedding. That's a job for one of his classy lady friends-except now she's going to read into this and think he's ready to be serious! Never mind, he'll just text his classy lady from the wedding reception because even though he's not ready to bring her there, she's the one he'll think of in that setting. 

Moral of today's story: Even though I have had a hard time committing to one hair stylist, I've also gone to new stylists, gotten a terrible hairstyle and really regretted it. In moments like these, I think of the girls who would never cheat on their hair stylist without a gun held to their heads. And I realize that that's what I'm looking for in a man. Just like the woman who wants to schedule her next cut in advance to make sure she gets in, doesn't mind paying the rising prices because she loves the quality of service, and wouldn't ever imagine shopping around for change. I need the man who doesn't just tolerate the time, energy, and effort it takes to date me, but someone who knows how valuable I am and therefore would never desire to see who else is out there. Here's hoping he exists! 

Get Your Roommate A Date!

Back in my good ol'college days, we used to have a tradition called "Get Your Roommate A Date" or as it was affectionately short handed, "Roommate Date." Roommate Date was when your entire dorm wing would plan a group date event where the ladies treat and your roommate had to man up and ask a guy out for you! 

We did things like go out for pizza and bowling, dinner and a movie, or some other typical date activity. I usually had good roommates who were able to snag a guy I was crushing on. One year though, I didn't have my sights set on anyone in particular, but Roommate and I heard of a group of guys someone on the wing was willing to dole out to whomever was in need. They were fun loving guys who enjoyed roommate dates- Sold! I'll take one of each! 

Well, one girl on our floor for some reason had to back out of our roommate date night, but none of these guys wanted to cancel and be left out. So I, being the good sport that I am, took one for the team and I offered to have two dates that night! 

The evening started out great with me wedged between my two dates in the back of my RA's car! I can't remember their names at this point, so let's call them Disappointment 1 and Disappointment 2. 

Disappointment 1 and Disappointment 2 were both chivalrous men and early into the date they would both try to open my door, pull out my chair, beat the other one to the gallant punch. However, this dissipated even before the salads were served. They were duds who wanted a free meal. They couldn't even hold an interesting conversation through dinner. I mean with two dates I should have had double the odds of one of them being interesting, but they mostly ended up talking to each other and ignoring me and the rest of my friends at the table.

Despite my last roommate date being a double flop, I've been thinking that perhaps it's time to team up with my new, fun, single, gal-pal roommate. (Although, she insists that we should call ourselves "housemates"  since the term "roommate" sounds like we're still in college in a one room dorm. So to clarify, we do have separate rooms.)

So far this new endeavor has involved Housemate chatting on my behalf with gentlemen such as my new Beitish boyfriend on Christian Mingle and randomly texting boys in my phone while we sip cocktails like we're Carrie and Miranda...or Samantha and Charlotte, I'm not sure yet. But I anticipate future posts coming out of Project Get Your Housemate A Date!

Moral Of Today's Story:

The best part about being single is having fun with your girlfriends. Expand the fun! Share more than your favorite hair products and beauty tips. Bring your friend what she really wants, a hot date! 

It's like a sauna in here!

It's been over a decade since online dating became the new, modern way to date. These sites started out marketing themselves as experts using scientific methods of matching your personality with the ideal mate. This in depth personality study seemed to me that it basically matched people with the same religious values and height preferences. 

Actually, I had some friends and acquaintances who were told in some polite email form that their personalities had no matches. I don't know if they still tell people that, but that's got to be depressing news to hear that it's unlikely you can find a mate who can tolerate you and your difficult personality!

Internet dating has moved further from personality tests and more towards our basic attraction instincts where we just look at pics of hot or not so hot guys, but there's still a missing element of attraction:  Scent! 

More specifically pheromones. Now if you've been living under a rock and don't know about pheromones, they're the hormones you give off in your scent that trigger behavior. Basically, if someone smells good to you it means you're sexually compatible. The perfume industry has caught on to the pheromone craze and makes fragrances with added sex pheromones to amp up your scented attractiveness. Victoria's Secret and some of those naughty toy home party brands make great pheromone based fragrances...I mean I heard that. My friend mentioned it. Who said I was there?! 

Anyway, my point is that you need to look at people and smell them to really know if you're  attracted to them. I heard about a new company that for this reasoning started offering "smell dating." They would send you a white cotton t-shirt that you would wear for a few days until it absorbed your scent, then they would cut up the t-shirt into samples to send out to prospective mates. Meanwhile you sniff some other dirty shirts and see which one turns you on! I was willing to give this a try, mostly for you my readers, but it seems they've already gone out of business. 

Which brings me to my two new scent based suggestions: 1.  Speed hugging--speed dating with hugs long enough to sniff someone's hair. In theory it makes sense, but I think it might go out of business as quickly as the other smell-a-date service because when I say it out loud, it sounds totally creepy. 2. Saunas! I've recently been spending more time in the sauna based on Gwyneth Paltrow's recommended health habits. I go to the mixed gender sauna at the gym (because the one inside the women's locker room will serve me no purpose! Well except Gwyneth's touted detox regime, I suppose) In the gym sauna, not only do I have a pre-screened group of healthy men who workout, but we're all in close enough proximity to smell each other's pheromones as we sweat them out! 

The first couple times I tried to smell the attractive men in the sauna I learned a few things. 

1. I do not want to date anyone with a heavily curry based diet. 

2. If there are more than 3 men in the sauna, you can't smell them apart!

3. This is a perfect setting to try out some  Seinfeld humor. (The sauna episode, right?)

So I managed to sit in the sauna while there was just one attractive man in there. He struck up a conversation of small talk, and in a moment he said something about the heat and I was able to interject Kramer's classic Seinfeld line "it's like a sauna in here!" He clearly was not a sitcom aficionado. He thought I was an idiot who didn't realize I was in fact in a sauna. 

Moral of today's story:  Sauna dating will not be for the faint of heart --despite its cardiac health benefits. There may be sound science behind the pheromone dating connection, but perhaps it would be better to avoid sniffing strangers. They don't all like that! So I'll just stick to wearing the fragrances that my friend bought at that party. 

Speed Dating

This weekend I tried speed dating for the first time. Up until this point, my only knowledge of what goes on during a speed dating event came from sitcoms and chick flicks. At worst, I figured I would only have to spend five minutes with someone unpleasant. At best, you never know when or where you could meet someone wonderful!  

  I went with a couple single gal pals, but I arrived first. The front half of the coffee shop was filled with people studying and doing all the various things people do on a rainy Saturday in a coffee shop. The back half was reserved for our event and had numbered tables with two or three people already seated. I checked in with the event coordinators and they gave me a beverage ticket and a name tag with my table number on it. The event was supposed to start in fifteen minutes.The ladies would stay at an assigned table, and then the men would rotate to the next table at the five minute buzzer. 

After getting a decaf chai, I looked over at my table and saw that my first companion was already seated. At that moment my phone buzzed. My friends had messaged that they were having parking issues outside- not enough parking spots for a busy day at the coffee shop!

I could already tell I would not be attracted to the flannel clad man at my table. However, my only options were to stand awkwardly against the wall staring longingly at the door for my friends to come in or to sit down like a normal person with any amount of social graces and talk to my first date for more than our allotted five minutes. 

He was very nice, but very dull. Things that would take me less than 30 seconds to state would somehow stretch to five minutes of slow paced talking from him. Talking about pets, I had said that I may like to have a dog at some point, but I may wait until I'm not living in an apartment. He then told me in a snail-paced monotone, "if you had a yard, you could put the dog in the yard. And the dog could stay outside in the yard while you're away at work all day, and then when you come home you could take him --or her--inside with you and you could play with the dog in the evenings when you're home after you get off work and you could let him back out into the yard if he needed to potty or you could even go in the yard and play with him outside if you want to."

WAKE UP! (I'm just assuming that a few of you dozed off after that speech.)

"Thank you. That's helpful advice," I said smiling and telling myself he must just be nervous.

Now as I mentioned from the get go, what I thought would be a big advantage of speed dating is that the blind date only has to go on for five minutes. However, due to my arriving fifteen minutes early as we were requested to do, in combination with our delayed start, I ended up spending FORTY MINUTES with Flannel. But for all I know he was just as bored with me.

When Flannel finally rotated to table 2, I met Stocking Hat. Stocking Hat for some reason chose to wear a stocking hat indoors on his seven dates. He was friendly and a decent conversationalist. I found out he has a daughter, he's outdoorsy, and what he does for a living. I never did find out if he had hair. Messy hair? No hair? Why are you wearing a stocking hat, Stocking Hat?! Inquiring minds want to know. 

My next date went to the wrong table as he was confused about numerical order. One of the coordinators tapped him on the shoulder and redirected him toward me. I started to say hello when he held out a typing device for me to take. When he sat down with his own, I realized he must be hearing impaired. We typed a conversation of cliche pleasantries. How are you today and such. I thought the advantage of speed dating versus online dating apps would be to meet a new person face to face and converse. Instead we basically texted the worlds dullest conversation. Obviously he had good reason for typing rather than talking, and I commend him for putting himself out there and trying to meet people. His bad grammar, poor spelling, and trite topics, however, were too big of a turn off for me. Mr. Typo got a thumbs down from me as well. 

There was one attractive man who came in late, and I enjoyed the view and the conversation with Tardy Boy. We both share a pet peeve of bad grammar, which seemed all the more poignant to me after my date with Mr. Typo. I actually did put Tardy Boy on my favorable list, but it was more like a "right swipe" than a feeling of "yes, he's definitely it."

I met two more men, Redhead Software Guy and Gray Hair Software Guy. They both were pleasant to talk to. I could see myself being friends with them, but not romantic. Gray Hair made me wonder how closely they checked his id. This was supposed to be 30-40 age dating. 

Since we had been short a couple men at the beginning of the event,(in fact one man never showed) one of my gal pals went to sit with the other lone female. They made a great connection, and we took her with us to happy hour for a Sex And The City style recap of the evening. (Four women + cocktails + dishing about men = every episode of SATC)

Laughing, commiserating, and dining with these ladies was actually the most enjoyable part of the night. We shared notes-literally, since we were given a note page to keep our suitors straight. We all had pretty similar impressions of the men. We all thought the women looked cute and put together, but most of the men didn't look like they cared much about their own appearance. We speculated about the real age of Gray Hair, and we agreed that Tardy Boy was the best looking. 

Moral of today's story:

Your girlfriends will always have your back so don't speed date without a wingman. My girlfriends are so good at it that we adopted one more gal pal from the speed date! Lastly, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again! Remember, there are no bad dates. There are only good dates and good lunch stories!