Tiny Hand

On the advice of a friend, I had signed up for Plenty of Fish (POF), a free dating website. Since it's free, the number of members is quite high, which logically makes sense that the pool from which to fish is larger. I did go on quite a few dates from this site, and we will at a later time discuss the virtues of quality over quantity. One of the dates I went on from POF was Tiny Hand.

Tiny Hand and I communicated for a couple weeks -mostly through text- before we decided to meet. At no point during our conversations did he mention that he has one normal-sized, proportional hand,  and also one teeny, tiny hand that was about the size of an infants foot with fingers like little, baby, pinky toes. I found this out when we met and he couldn't decide whether to try shaking my hand with his tiny nub or give me a casual side hug. He started to attempt both, but then did not follow through on either motion, making it very awkward. I smiled in an attempt to be warm and said it was really nice to meet him in person.

[As a side note to clarify, his tiny hand would not have been a deal-breaker for me, but I felt that it was something he should have mentioned beforehand. And if he thought that I would be too shallow to go out with him because of an abnormality, then he probably shouldn't have wanted to date me anyway. Right?]

When we met, it was the middle of summer and blazing hot. Those of you who know me, know that I HATE being hot! He had been texting me early in the day and said things like "I hope you're keeping cool. It's a scorcher out!" Now I knew we were planning to meet in the Old Market at 6pm, but I didn't know anything else that he had planned. So I thought I would mention my desire to be in air conditioning versus melting in the 104 degree heat. I said, "yeah, it's really hot out. I hope you're not planning for us to be outside for too long tonight. We might melt! :)" To which he responded that we wouldn't be outside for long. "Great," I thought, "he has something planned." I thought wrong.

After our awkward first moment where we neither shook tiny hands nor hugged hello, he suggested we walk. On a nice day, I enjoy walking around the Old Market and stopping in a shop or two, perhaps getting ice cream at Ted & Wally's or getting a drink at one of the novelty breweries. We did not enjoy any of the Old Market amenities that evening. We walked, and walked, and walked until finally he suggested we sit down at one of the pavilions with picnic tables. Then he told me all about his military and political conspiracy theories. I personally do not believe that the whole government is out to get us, but I don't think I even got the chance to say so. After sitting and sweating through his conspiracy theories, he finally took a breath and I jumped in with a suggestion that we head back.

When we finally made it to my car, I thought I was home free! I was not. He continued his barrage of incessant chatter about my car and what kind of seats it had or gas mileage it got. Finally, he said goodbye and gave me a brief hug.

I was dehydrated, hot, and hungry by the end of this date. I mean, seriously, we couldn't have even stopped for some ice water or something? So I called my good guy friend as I drove away, and he met me at a bar/pizza place. I was halfway through my margarita and just finishing my recap when Tiny Hand texted me, "Hi." Seriously? I left you less than an hour ago, and now you just want to say "hi?"

He wanted to apologize for the "odd ending to our date." I personally thought the whole date was odd, but I asked him what he meant. He said that he really wanted to kiss me goodbye, but didn't have the nerve. I thought, " Oh, honey, I really did not want that at all!" This is when I realized that I must be very polite when I'm bored out of my mind and annoyed.

[Again, I want to specify that his tiny hand was not the reason I was not interested.  I am not physically perfect in many ways so I would not hold it against someone to have an abnormality. I was not interested in him because of boring conversation and lack of consideration in planning a date.]

Moral of the story: Bring your own hydration if you don't know the plan for your date. Also, as another of my guy friends pointed out to me, women should not go on walking dates with men they've just met because it would be easy for them to kidnap a woman that way. I mean, I think I was safe since he probably couldn't steal me with just one full-sized hand, but I will not go on walking dates with strangers again.