Monday, May 26, 2014

Insanity

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result. This definition is especially true in dating. Off again/on again type relationships are the definition of relationship insanity, and I have yet to see one of these situations pan out.  While I wish I could say that I was so cunning that I never made the same mistake twice, I am at least glad to say that I have a short list of relationship repeats.

One of my relationship repeats was Mr. Look-What-I-Can-Do. He needed a lot of attention and approval. This was something that I didn't recognize right away because it really just came out in group situations (One more reason you should have your friends evaluate your new love interest!) I met him through church friends, but for some reason I got to know him more in one on one settings at first.

One on one we had a great time, but when we added in other people, I was often embarrassed of his cheesy, attention-seeking behavior. He would talk about minor accomplishments in a bragging way or he would show me things he could do on the computer that those of us who don't have techie jobs probably don't know how to do. If I wanted to know more about computers, then I would figure it out. I didn't even think most of those skills were very impressive, but when he tooted his own horn it was really unattractive.

Well, I never had very long to evaluate the negative aspects of our dynamic because he would disappear every few dates. We would go out and hang out a few times, and then he would freak out a little bit about being in a relationship and disappear.

He would come back and tell me he missed me and was ready to be committed to me. He even whispered, "I love you" one night when he came to ask if we could get back together. But it was so soft I asked him to repeat what he said, and then he didn't repeat it. The next day I met the woman he had spent the night with 24 hours before he tried to reunite with me. He apparently thought he could break up with her by just being vague in his responses to her and saying he was too busy to hang out. Well, she didn't understand that he had moved on. He was hanging out with me, and she just showed up since he wasn't responding to her. That's when all the poo hit the fan.

Suffice it to say that I also didn't understand his poor etiquette and callous use of this poor woman - and me! So he ended up with neither of us after that.

Months later, he came to tell me again that he was ready for a serious relationship with me. He apologized for all of his past mistakes, and he seemed more grounded and sincere this time. At this point, however, I was finally smart enough to see that he shouldn't be able to treat me like a toy. - to pick me up whenever he wants to play with me and put me down whenever he's bored.  I told him thanks, but no thanks. I was done giving attention to Mr. Look-What-I-Can-Do.

A month later, he met another girl, and he married her not too long after that. I guess the last time he said he was ready, he really meant it. He really was ready to be in a grown-up relationship. But I'm so glad that it's not with me.

 I've met his wife several times, and she doesn't have any idea that he told me he loved me or of the relationship that we had. She actually overheard a conversation between me and another friend about running into an ex with his wife at a party and how he acted really awkward around me. And then she joined the conversation, laughing and talking about how that must have been an awkward ride home for my ex and his wife. I realized then that she was clueless that her husband was also my ex. Maybe she doesn't need to know details, but I would never want to be in a marriage where my husband wasn't completely honest about his past with me.

Moral Of Today's Story:  Turn your off again/on again relationship off, and then don't turn it on again. Insane asylums have improved drastically in the past few decades, but there's no reason to jeopardize your mental health. The reason it ended at all is not because you had too much unconditional love, stability, and similarities. It was a bad relationship. Move on.

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