Speed Dating

This weekend I tried speed dating for the first time. Up until this point, my only knowledge of what goes on during a speed dating event came from sitcoms and chick flicks. At worst, I figured I would only have to spend five minutes with someone unpleasant. At best, you never know when or where you could meet someone wonderful!  

  I went with a couple single gal pals, but I arrived first. The front half of the coffee shop was filled with people studying and doing all the various things people do on a rainy Saturday in a coffee shop. The back half was reserved for our event and had numbered tables with two or three people already seated. I checked in with the event coordinators and they gave me a beverage ticket and a name tag with my table number on it. The event was supposed to start in fifteen minutes.The ladies would stay at an assigned table, and then the men would rotate to the next table at the five minute buzzer. 

After getting a decaf chai, I looked over at my table and saw that my first companion was already seated. At that moment my phone buzzed. My friends had messaged that they were having parking issues outside- not enough parking spots for a busy day at the coffee shop!

I could already tell I would not be attracted to the flannel clad man at my table. However, my only options were to stand awkwardly against the wall staring longingly at the door for my friends to come in or to sit down like a normal person with any amount of social graces and talk to my first date for more than our allotted five minutes. 

He was very nice, but very dull. Things that would take me less than 30 seconds to state would somehow stretch to five minutes of slow paced talking from him. Talking about pets, I had said that I may like to have a dog at some point, but I may wait until I'm not living in an apartment. He then told me in a snail-paced monotone, "if you had a yard, you could put the dog in the yard. And the dog could stay outside in the yard while you're away at work all day, and then when you come home you could take him --or her--inside with you and you could play with the dog in the evenings when you're home after you get off work and you could let him back out into the yard if he needed to potty or you could even go in the yard and play with him outside if you want to."

WAKE UP! (I'm just assuming that a few of you dozed off after that speech.)

"Thank you. That's helpful advice," I said smiling and telling myself he must just be nervous.

Now as I mentioned from the get go, what I thought would be a big advantage of speed dating is that the blind date only has to go on for five minutes. However, due to my arriving fifteen minutes early as we were requested to do, in combination with our delayed start, I ended up spending FORTY MINUTES with Flannel. But for all I know he was just as bored with me.

When Flannel finally rotated to table 2, I met Stocking Hat. Stocking Hat for some reason chose to wear a stocking hat indoors on his seven dates. He was friendly and a decent conversationalist. I found out he has a daughter, he's outdoorsy, and what he does for a living. I never did find out if he had hair. Messy hair? No hair? Why are you wearing a stocking hat, Stocking Hat?! Inquiring minds want to know. 

My next date went to the wrong table as he was confused about numerical order. One of the coordinators tapped him on the shoulder and redirected him toward me. I started to say hello when he held out a typing device for me to take. When he sat down with his own, I realized he must be hearing impaired. We typed a conversation of cliche pleasantries. How are you today and such. I thought the advantage of speed dating versus online dating apps would be to meet a new person face to face and converse. Instead we basically texted the worlds dullest conversation. Obviously he had good reason for typing rather than talking, and I commend him for putting himself out there and trying to meet people. His bad grammar, poor spelling, and trite topics, however, were too big of a turn off for me. Mr. Typo got a thumbs down from me as well. 

There was one attractive man who came in late, and I enjoyed the view and the conversation with Tardy Boy. We both share a pet peeve of bad grammar, which seemed all the more poignant to me after my date with Mr. Typo. I actually did put Tardy Boy on my favorable list, but it was more like a "right swipe" than a feeling of "yes, he's definitely it."

I met two more men, Redhead Software Guy and Gray Hair Software Guy. They both were pleasant to talk to. I could see myself being friends with them, but not romantic. Gray Hair made me wonder how closely they checked his id. This was supposed to be 30-40 age dating. 

Since we had been short a couple men at the beginning of the event,(in fact one man never showed) one of my gal pals went to sit with the other lone female. They made a great connection, and we took her with us to happy hour for a Sex And The City style recap of the evening. (Four women + cocktails + dishing about men = every episode of SATC)

Laughing, commiserating, and dining with these ladies was actually the most enjoyable part of the night. We shared notes-literally, since we were given a note page to keep our suitors straight. We all had pretty similar impressions of the men. We all thought the women looked cute and put together, but most of the men didn't look like they cared much about their own appearance. We speculated about the real age of Gray Hair, and we agreed that Tardy Boy was the best looking. 

Moral of today's story:

Your girlfriends will always have your back so don't speed date without a wingman. My girlfriends are so good at it that we adopted one more gal pal from the speed date! Lastly, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again! Remember, there are no bad dates. There are only good dates and good lunch stories! 

Means Well

People always tell you that if you want to meet interesting people, for friendship or otherwise, you should join a gym, take a class, get involved in a church- whatever interests you! So you've found something that interests you, and there actually happen to be some nice people there, too. Excellent!

Now for me, I always seem to be interested in activities that are stereotypically meant for other single women or elderly people. These are my peeps. [side note: I like masculine men who fix cars or play football, but I have no desire to do those things myself! So I'll sing in choirs and go to yoga because I like it. I'm sure there are masculine men who like feminine women, too!] There is, however, at least one man in one of my groups that honed in on me as soon as I joined said group. 

I was seated and talking to a lady next to me when "Means Well" came and stood at my knee. He stuck his hand out for a handshake directly in front of my face. Literally. His fingers were probably two inches from my nose. His body was all the way in my bubble!

"Hi. You must be new." He introduced himself as I leaned my face away from his still-too-close hand.

I introduced myself and he made some awkward comment about my odd name. Thanks. I wasn't aware that my name was unique since I've only lived with it for three decades!

Despite the fact that he knows my name and told me that its oddity would make it easy to remember, he doesn't choose to address me by it. He also doesn't choose to make eye contact most of the time although he does make physical contact often by reaching out to touch my shoulder or back for no apparent reason. Means Well's favorite thing is to talk to the back of my head as he frequently walks up behind me and says things like, "well, hell-o..." or "So we meet again!" It's quite disturbing. 

I'm always caught off guard by a random voice that I'm unsure if it's actually talking to me. I really do think that Means Well means well, but he creeps me out every time his voice or hand on my shoulder come out of nowhere!

I can tell that he is making an effort because he is attracted to me. He just has no idea how unattractive his mannerisms make him.

Moral Of Today's Story: 

When trying to meet new people, the goal is NOT to make them feel unsettled by your presence. Here are the basic "don't be a creeper" rules:

1.  Make your presence known. Nobody likes it when you sneak up on her.

2.  Address people by their names so they know to whom you are speaking. 

3.  Make eye contact. Nobody likes it when you stare at other body parts while you carry on your conversation. 

4.  Respect the personal space bubble!  Unless you're invited in the bubble, keep your hands to yourself!

Good Resume

After finding nothing but old men and taken men for quite a while, I went on a date this week with someone single and my own age. On paper, everything looks great-job, home, similar faith, dog (not something I'm specifically looking for, but it indicates a level of caring and responsibility that's a plus), and no crazy baggage. Basically, he had the right resume.

Well, if you've been a regular reader, you can probably guess already that if he's good on paper, he's a dud when it comes to chemistry between us. Your guess is correct.

Good Resume must be the slowest move maker ever! It took over two months of emailing small talk type questions before he asked to meet for a drink. I had actually thought he would probably be more outgoing and dynamic in person since a lot of men just aren't good at emails or texts. Then we met for one dull hour of margaritas and face to face small talk. I still had time to stop at the grocery store and make it home to put on my sweatpants -all before 8pm!  

Three days later he texted to ask about my week. I thought it was strange that he didn't check to see if I got home that night or call to say how great it was to meet me, yada yada, [insert other compliments here]. 

I've been pre-conditioned to expect men to get to the point. Ordinarily, they tell me by the next day at the latest that they like me/want to see me again/are hoping(and only hoping!) for a booty call. 

Prior to our date, Good Resume made a point of saying  that for the first meeting, he likes to do something short and casual ie. coffee or a drink. So I'm not really sure how to play this hand. I'm definitely not interested, and I don't want to lead him on. But he hasn't actually stated that he would like to go out again so I'm not sure if this is just part of his slow process or what?

There is still the possibility that he's not interested in me, and he's only keeping the line open between us "just in case." But that's not likely. I don't say this out of arrogance as if every man falls in love with me - clearly, that's not the case! However, my intuition is almost never wrong. 

Moral Of Today's Story: 

Sometimes those with a Good Resume don't interview well. This applies in job interviews as well as dates. Also, in both job life and dating life, one should make a statement of interest for the position you desire. 

Unfortunately, I know who I want to fill the position in my life, but as of yet there have been no statements of wanting the position. What's a girl to do? 

The Drought

The Pointer Sisters had a hit song years ago called "It's Raining Men." I love the song! I sang it in my high school swing choir. I had it as my ringtone briefly. 

🎶 "It's raining men. Hallelujah! It's raining men. Every specimen: Tall, blonde, dark and lean. Rough and tough and strong and mean." 🎶

 Unfortunately, the Pointer Sisters were wrong. It is definitely not raining men. It is, in fact, a serious drought. For a brief hiatus, I wasn't even putting on my galoshes. But now that I've deemed myself ready to don my rain poncho, there's just barely a trickle. I don't exclusively meet dates online, but as an efficient avenue I turned my online profile back on, and guess who my matches are. Creepy 50 year olds and my sister's boyfriend!

Are you effing kidding me?!? This is my selection?? Old guys and a guy who is presently on a date with my sister! To those of you thinking this a juicy cheating story, I'm sorry to tell you it's rather anticlimactic. It didn't take me more than a minute to realize that this was an old profile (old picture, previous job listed, and the activity status of "active over three weeks"- which apparently can mean anything from 3 1/2 weeks up to a few years.) I don't know exactly when sis's boyfriend set up the profile. I just assumed it was on one of their many breaks over the past few years. Either way, it was news to him that his profile was still active. 

Now, as for the older gentlemen...I could potentially date an older man, but he at least has to be as rich and as good looking as he is old. So far, they're just plain old. Not remotely wealthy. Not remotely attractive. 

Moral Of Today's Story: 

Some pools don't have the fish that you want to catch, and the only good thing about bad fish is that you can sometimes get a good lunch story ;) 

I'm still hoping for a certain fish to ask me to be ....pardon the pun,fishsclusive. Until then, I guess I'll just keep a line in the water. 

Don't Be A Douchebaguette 101

Ladies, contrary to what some of your well-meaning but over-compensating parents may have led you to believe, you are not a princess. You are not better than everyone. You are not the sun, and men are not planets revolving around you. 

Now most of us would never actually make those exact statements, but many girls unwittingly give off that attitude. Unfortunately, this is sometimes another branch of problems stemming from Christians who mingle. I've seen many ladies who've been hurt or who have just idealized romance to the point that they expect men to perform flawlessly every day with no grace for him to be human. 

We've realized that as daughters of the King we deserve to be treated well, but in that vein, some daughters have forgotten how to respect the sons of the King. 

These ladies are intolerant of men who don't open every door, compliment them immediately, or who don't make big bucks and pick up every tab. Now, I'm a pretty traditional gal myself, but these expectations can be taken to extremes. 

I know lazy women who don't cook, clean or hold jobs, but they have husbands who work two jobs to support their channel-flipping-bonbon-eating ways. Or women who would tell a first date that they were disappointed in their evening out because he failed to open a door. Or women who tell everyone they know how they would refuse to settle for small diamond ring proposals (this person is surprisingly still single!)

Get over yourselves, ladies. If you want a relationship, you can't be selfish. It's not going to be all about you. Very few men want to marry you so that they can dote on you, pay your bills, fold your laundry, and put up with your spoiled princess attitude all while you do nothing in return.

Somehow, there are men who have chosen to put themselves in those types of unhealthy relationships, but I personally want a man who respects himself enough to not put up with a douchebaguette. 

Moral Of Today's Story:

Douchebaggery is not limited to men or women. It all stems from selfishness, and nobody likes that. The most hurtful, insensitive, annoying, and douchebaggish behavior all comes straight out of selfishness. So to summarize, GET OVER YOURSELF!

Don't Be A Douchebag 101

As a New Year's gift to you all, I've decided to share an instructional series on how to not be a douchebag in 2015. It's a growing epidemic, and im hoping to stop the spread of douchebaggery with better education on the subject. 

Today's topic: don't pretend that I'm a hysterical drama queen in order to avoid the issue of your being an insensitive jerk. 

Sometimes when I'm upset because of something a man has done, I tell myself not to over-react. I wait a few minutes, take a few deep breaths, and try to phrase responses in the most calm, unprovoking way. So then it's even more maddening that I've tried to be calm, and I get responses like "I can't talk to you when you're being so negative," "yikes," "your attitude is off putting," or basically anything that blames me for having emotions instead of caring that I'm upset. 

This scenario has played out with at least three different relationships of mine. (Bonus points awarded if you can guess from my previous posts which men I'm writing about.)

The problem is ignoring your own part in the cause and effect of my feeling hurt in the first place. If I have misunderstood something and I don't have a reason to be upset, it should be really simple to explain that. But when you get defensive and tell me I'm being too aggressive, passive-aggressive, emotional or whatever fill-in-the-blank word you use, you're avoiding the issue and creating a second one. Now, we've got whatever the first problem is AND I can see now that you don't care about my feelings enough to have a real conversation. 

Many people who know me well have told me on various occasions that I am a calm and rational communicator. I don't think of myself as a drama magnet, and my goal in any relationship is clear, constructive communication. 

So it feels really unfair to be painted as some hysterical, irrational woman. 

All I really want is for you to care when I'm upset. If it was you who were upset and said something short to me, I might tell you that it sounded rude. But I'd also ask you what's wrong. It's how you communicate. It's also how you show that you care about someone. 

I'm not a resident of Stepford. I'm not some perfect robot woman who only tells  you what you want to hear. I'm a person with feelings just like you. It's not fair for you to act upset but be mad at me if I act upset. Your feelings can't be superior to mine. In fact, if you act like a jerk and your woman still acts like she's in Stepford, I guarantee you that she lacks self esteem and self respect, and you better believe she cries when she's alone. 

Moral of Today's Story:

Treat people like you want to be treated. The phrases "what's wrong?" "I'm sorry," or "let's talk about this." are your friends. Be gracious rather than defensive. I guarantee both parties involved will feel happier this way. Douchebaggery is sooo 2014....

Man-chanic

Some people are suckers for a good DIY fixer upper project. HGTV has hordes of shows about how to do this with everything from flea market junk to foreclosed houses. There is one subject missing from this slew of shows, however, and that's the one that teaches us how to fix up a man. 

Whether subconsciously or out loud, there are many women who think they can fix a man. Like a man mechanic or, if you will, "man-chanic." 

Every woman has a different level of delusion for what she thinks she can fix. There's the mistresses who somehow believe that they are helping a man out of his loveless marriage into their better suited arms. I can hear you, my readers, rolling your eyes at the mistress man-chanics! And for good reason! Any half-wit can see that a cheater is always a cheater. You are the new shiny toy, and once you have lost your new shininess, he will find another toy.

What about the commitment-phobe? Oh, he just hasn't met the right one yet! Clearly, I can persuade him to commit! That's a tricky one, man-chanics. The fact is that a commitment-phobe can't be talked into anything. He's either ready or he's not. He's either into you or he's not. Only time can tell with a commitment-phobe. He'll wake up one day and just be ready., and he will know what he wants only when he's ready.

Man-chanics like to think that they can turn a slob into a GQ cover boy, a slacker into a bread-winner, a dreamer into an achiever, a friend into a boyfriend, a boyfriend into a husband. Can it be done? Yes, but only on one condition...

Moral Of Today's Story:

Man-chanics need one thing to be successful at their fixer-upper project: true, unconditional love. Cheesy as it sounds, the only reason anyone would change is if you love them as they are instead of viewing them as project material that hasn't yet become what you want. True love brings out the best in both people and they will inevitably grow into the best versions of themselves. If it feels like you're working too hard at your fixer-upper, you are. Some projects need to be discarded to make room for true love.