Man-chanic

Some people are suckers for a good DIY fixer upper project. HGTV has hordes of shows about how to do this with everything from flea market junk to foreclosed houses. There is one subject missing from this slew of shows, however, and that's the one that teaches us how to fix up a man. 

Whether subconsciously or out loud, there are many women who think they can fix a man. Like a man mechanic or, if you will, "man-chanic." 

Every woman has a different level of delusion for what she thinks she can fix. There's the mistresses who somehow believe that they are helping a man out of his loveless marriage into their better suited arms. I can hear you, my readers, rolling your eyes at the mistress man-chanics! And for good reason! Any half-wit can see that a cheater is always a cheater. You are the new shiny toy, and once you have lost your new shininess, he will find another toy.

What about the commitment-phobe? Oh, he just hasn't met the right one yet! Clearly, I can persuade him to commit! That's a tricky one, man-chanics. The fact is that a commitment-phobe can't be talked into anything. He's either ready or he's not. He's either into you or he's not. Only time can tell with a commitment-phobe. He'll wake up one day and just be ready., and he will know what he wants only when he's ready.

Man-chanics like to think that they can turn a slob into a GQ cover boy, a slacker into a bread-winner, a dreamer into an achiever, a friend into a boyfriend, a boyfriend into a husband. Can it be done? Yes, but only on one condition...

Moral Of Today's Story:

Man-chanics need one thing to be successful at their fixer-upper project: true, unconditional love. Cheesy as it sounds, the only reason anyone would change is if you love them as they are instead of viewing them as project material that hasn't yet become what you want. True love brings out the best in both people and they will inevitably grow into the best versions of themselves. If it feels like you're working too hard at your fixer-upper, you are. Some projects need to be discarded to make room for true love.

I didn't know vows expired

I've always been perplexed by the concept of marriage vow renewals. It sounds romantic, I suppose, but I thought the vows lasted 'til death do us part. It's not like a library card that had to be renewed. It's not leftover food that expires and needs to be thrown out. Does anyone smell a marriage to see if it's got a little more time left before it's gone all the way sour?

In my unmarried opinion, I can only think of a couple reasons why a couple would renew their vows:

1.  Vows were broken so instead of getting divorced, the couple renews their vows with the intention of keeping them the second time around. I would whole-heartedly support this reason. 

2.  Celebrities sometimes renew their vows as a romantic gesture to throw people off the story of their failing marriage. Just like the way to spot a liar is to see who's trying too hard to convince you of something. In those cases, celebrities need to do some things out of the spotlight. Your relationship is interesting to some, but frankly nobody else's business!

3.  And the biggest reason for vow renewal:  the bride is obsessed with weddings/going through wedding withdrawal now that she's settled into married life/doesn't want to move on to husband number 2 just to have another ceremony and a new dress. I support sticking with husband number 1, however, I find it ridiculous that so many women seem to care more about a wedding than a marriage. The wedding is one day, but the marriage should last a lifetime. If you are just getting married for parties, dresses, flowers and new cookware, then I suggest you join a social circle where you can attend cotillions and formal tea parties. Marriage, from what I can see, does not usually involve caterers and formal wear on a regular basis. 

4.  Perhaps the people renewing their vows have died. They have to renew vows because as vampires and zombies the first set of vows no longer applies. I don't know what they say in place of "'til death do us part." 

Moral of Today's Story:

Say what you mean, and mean what you say- especially when you stand before God and many witnesses to declare your marriage vows. And for realsies when you sign legal documents that change your taxation status! Seriously people! If you meant what you said, you don't have to say it again. Unless you're now a zombie. 

Why Men Are Wimps

"Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them," summarized Margaret Atwood. I read this quote recently and have been mulling it over the past few days.

While I still admire the bravery of men to do many things that scare me, I kept thinking, "boys are such wimps!" A woman can go on a blind date knowing that in the worst case scenario she may be attacked or murdered, but she still goes. A man hesitates to go because he might be laughed at?!?! This is disproportionate to say the least. 

Now the likelihood of being laughed at is probably quite high, but I would hope most ladies would refrain from laughing right in your face, men. Tactful ladies should at least wait to laugh at you with their friends the next time they're gathered over drinks. But only a complete insophisticado would laugh right in your face. 

I guess I can't really relate to the fear of being laughed at. I assume people will laugh with me because of my charming, clever wit. Perhaps people have laughed at me, but I have the disposition to think of myself as hilarious so I'm ok with that. 

But back to these fears now... We women are fearful of men because they could hurt us. However, they can also protect which is why we keep risking our lives to find one such male!

There's the obvious greater physical strength that they afford, and also studies have shown that male pheromones have a calming effect on women. One of the best cures for female stress is actually a hug or a handhold from a trusted male, romantic or non-romantic. But we first have to get beyond all this "will-he-attack-me" worry. It's a rational fear when we consider the alarmingly high number of violent assaults on females in America. (1 in 5 women reported assault), but I would much rather focus on the calming, safe feeling that good men provide. It's the reason why women don't typically watch scary movies alone, kill their own rodents or open those really difficult jars. We need men to be strong for us. We need them to let us know when we're safe. And in some cases, we just need them to do our dirty work.

Moral Of Today's Story:

Ladies, while you're fending off potential predators, please be mindful of your manners and realize that your captivating beauty and charm can be intimidating to your suitors. Don't add to their stress.

Men, let's get some perspective here. Laughing burns calories, it's good for your heart, and it releases endorphins. In that light, you should be hoping that we laugh!

I've already met Prince Charming

I've come to the harsh realization that I may have already met my Disney Prince. If you get down to it, these fairy tale characters have charmed the pants off us simply with romantic singing, dancing, and what I can only assume to be one hell of a first kiss! 

Prince Charming was a spoiled, rich daddy's boy who was only looking for a wife because he needed one to inherit the crown--and his daddy made him. He probably only picked the peasant girl as a subtle "eff you" to the upper crust! And he might have had a foot fetish... I knew one of those once...

Aladdin, was a homeless, jobless, liar and a thief. Need I say more? 

Snow White and Sleeping Beauty both had creepy stalkers who liked kissing girls when they're passed out...sounds like roofies were involved if you ask me!

I think Belle and the Beast might have had the best romance because she knew he was terrible from the beginning. But then he had a "Jerry McGuire" moment when he realized she made him "want to be a better man." And in this case, she was a helluva kisser! 

Moral Of Today's Story:

Maybe the only thing we're missing from a real-life fairy tale is a show-stopping song and dance number. True love in these stories overlooks glaring flaws and obstacles and instead offers grace and acceptance. Maybe that's the real point of the tale. If you love somebody, love them with their imperfections. And by all means sing and dance with the townspeople when you find your true love's kiss! 

Maybe I'll give Taylor Swift a call

Every time people find out that I write a blog about my dating life, I get a different reaction. 

There's the "wow, you go on a lot of dates!" Yes, I do. I decided not to keep dating the same loser, which means I have gone out with subsequent losers in my search for a winner.

"I've thought about online dating once." Ok, is that the end of your story? And BTW, not all of my date stories are from online dating.

"Dating is so hard! I'm so glad I'm married. I just don't think I could deal with all you go through." No, you probably couldn't because for one thing, your mouth clearly has no filter! 

The most common response is people saying that they've heard about my blog/read one or two posts, and then they proceed to tell me, "I've been on a lot of crazy dates, too! People say that I could probably write a blog, too! Ok, I've been on two dates in my life, but the guys were really lame." First of all, it's one thing to commiserate, but if you wanted to talk about yourself, don't start a conversation pretending to be interested in something of mine. Second, if you want to write a blog, then do it. It's free, and I don't have the corner on this market. I just started writing one day, and now there are strangers in ten different countries reading about my comically-horrible relationship problems. 

A few people have referred to me as the "Taylor Swift of blogging." As in, anyone who dates one of us can expect to be written about later in some form. I was less than flattered by these comments at first, but then again Taylor Swift is laughing all the way to the bank! Maybe someday we'll share that in common! (Fingers crossed, knock on wood, any publishers want to pay me for my Good Lunch Stories book???)

Moral Of The Story:

To paraphrase Ms. Swift, Haters gonna hate. Players gonna play. Heartbreakers gonna break. Fakers gonna fake. So I'm just gonna shake it off! Shake it off! 

Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha Gonna Do

What is it about a bad boy that's so alluring? Why is there such a thrill about doing something wrong? Or for the less adventurous, the thrill of vicariously doing something wrong?

Now, I'm somewhat of a late bloomer in that I didn't go through my rebellious-wild-oat-sowing phase until my late twenties so there were no juvenile delinquents or mini thugs in my dating past. I theoretically understand the attraction of the bad boy, but I've only had one encounter with a live one. 

I had met Bad Boy for drinks and appetizers, and we had a nice time talking and commiserating about our previous retail work horror stories....And I may have been pondering how full and soft his lips looked...

Although we were having a good time, our server was probably one of the worst I've had, ignoring us for so long that we wondered if she was even going to bring us our bill. And we were sitting at the bar right in front of her!

This is the part where Bad Boy tried to persuade me to join him in a life of crime. Did that sound overly dramatic? Ok, here's what happened: 

Since our server and the other bartender were still ignoring us, Bad Boy put his hand on my knee and leaned close to suggest that we "dine and dash." I thought he was joking, so I laughed and agreed that it would be really easy to walk away unnoticed. He gestured with his eyes toward the door and asked again. This is the part where he started to see my straight-laced side because I insisted that we would not steal our refreshments by not paying for them. Rather, we would leave her a 10% tip which in my book is the worst insult you could give a server!

After (finally) paying our tab (Dutch style, I might add), he walked me to my car. Now it was cold out and his car was way on the other side of the restaurant so I, being the nice girl that I am, offered to drive him over there so he wouldn't be cold. Hindsight is 20/20, and I now realize that he thought this was an invitation to get frisky in the car.  

His lack of integrity about paying the bill was already a huge turn off for me, and then he pounced on me in the car! His lips were as soft as they looked, but I shoved him off and said "I don't kiss on the first date." Which he thought was some kind of joke, but after another awkward attempt he shook my hand and said "good night."

Bad Boy and I did not go on a second date. He texted to see if I made it home, and that was the last I heard from him.

Moral Of Today's Story:

Bad Boys may be cute and have kissable lips, but it's not worth being dragged into a life of crime - or even just questionable morals. 

Can Men and Women Be Friends?

Can men and women really be friends? This question has plagued us for generations! Some of you probably clicked on this post just to find a concrete answer, but there are very few friendships that are concrete in themselves.

Think about how many friends you've had who have morphed into something else. Friend became acquaintance because you don't see each other much anymore. Friend gets promoted to bestie status! Crush becomes friend becomes crush again. Friend becomes boyfriend/girlfriend becomes flaming pile of poop whom you wish would be lit on fire! (I mean I would never wish that on anybody. I'm talking about somebody else. You don't know them.)

Relationships are fluid. I have male friends who I am absolutely certain will always be good friends. But I also have been surprised to develop feelings or get over feelings for someone in my life. 

Moral Of Today's Story: 

Can men and women be friends? Yes, definitely! Until they can't be. But maybe later again they can be.