Sunday, February 18, 2018

Banter and Burnout

People usually talk about burnout in reference to their work and careers. Psychology Today says that burnout is a state of chronic stress that leads to 

1. Physical and emotional exhaustion, 

2. Cynicism and detachment, 

3. Feelings of ineffectiveness and lack of accomplishment. 

Another quote says: "Burnout reduces productivity and saps your energy, leaving you feeling increasingly helpless, hopeless, cynical, and resentful. Eventually, you may feel like you have nothing more to give."


When you put it that way, I'm definitely suffering from dating burnout! I'm emotionally exhausted, cynical, and I definitely feel ineffective and lacking the accomplishment of finding one non-douchey guy to stick around! 


The problem isn't that it can't or won't happen. The problem is that I'm so over trying! Even when a guy has good potential I don't really want to go through the motions anymore. 


One of the last guys I went out with, let's call him Banter, seemed great. We had great conversations filled with witty banter - hence the name. We could talk on the phone for hours and laugh nearly the whole time. He checked off most of the boxes on my invisible check list.  And he had one of the smoothest lines after our first kiss. He had walked me to my car after our date and surprised me with a tender kiss. With his hand still lightly resting on my hip, he pulled away and said softly, "and then there were sparks." Silver screen moment right there! 


So what was the problem? I told him straight up on our first date that if he fell in love with me and we stayed together for a year that I would likely want to get engaged at that point. I think that was probably the point where I scared him off. 

Why did I tell him that? Because I'm burnt out! Because it's the truth and I'm tired of wasting my time! I might have also made some "no ghosting" rules stating if he wanted to break up with me then he was required to do it verbally - either by phone or in person. I was still reeling from being ghosted by Almost Perfect, but I also feel very strongly that men should live by the moral rule that you don't just disappear and cut off all contact! It's the worst possible way to end things! Anyway, we bantered about relationship rules and expectations and Banter amended the rule saying that there should be a clause citing mandatory breakup hanky panky. I told him I thought that hanky panky was for making up not breaking up, but in the end we agreed upon a set of rules because when you have good banter (ie. communication skills) you can talk anything out! 


I didn't end up going out with Banter again. Both of us had recently suffered breakup wounds, and I think he wanted something casual until he was ready to be serious again while I apparently wanted a guarantee he wouldn't break my heart again. There is no such guarantee in any relationship. 


Moral of Today's Story:


I think dating burnout should be treated like any other kind of burnout. If dating is starting to feel like a job that you'd rather not go to, then clock out for a while. Cut back on how much you "work." Don't get me wrong, I'm still looking for Mr. Right. But it's a hobby, not a job. 


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