Wednesday, January 3, 2018

New Year's Advice - What Not To Do

Recently, I chatted with a male friend about how women kind of hate each other-especially white women. His outsider perspective is that Latina women will band together in crisis, Black women will always have each others' backs, but White women just fend for themselves because we basically all hate each other. I don't fully identify with the catty, competitive, narcissistic white woman persona he described, but it got me thinking about the greater sisterhood. 


To be clear, I consider all of my friends and myself to be in the nice girl category where most of us are mature, good-hearted people. Deep down we always want what's best for each other, however, somewhere adjacent to deep down there's also a part of every woman that wants to feel superior. It's difficult to discern which deep down part is doing the talking when we give advice. For example, here are some of the worst bits of advice or commentary I've received as a single woman. 


  1. The attempted setup.  "I wonder who I can set you up with. I'll ask my husband if he has any friends."  

He doesn't. That's why we have this same conversation verbatim at least every three

months. 


  1. They point out any living, breathing male, in case you're blind and/or too stupid to notice men in general. 

"Hey, did you hear that?! That guy is 39! He's in your age range." That is literally all we know about him- oh and that he delivers guacamole with extra chips upon request. 

"Hey, did you hear [male friend] say that he's moving two hours away and will have a roommate? His roommate must be single if [male friend] is moving in! You should date him!" This is literally the dumbest suggestion anyone has EVER made to me. First of all, it is possible that he could concurrently have a girlfriend AND a roommate. Second of all, I would need more information than "there is a male who owns a house" before I would attempt to strike up a long distance relationship with some rando!


  1. They tell me I'm too picky/not picky enough

"You have a romanticized ideal in your head and you'll just give anybody a chance because you think he'll turn out to be a knight in shining armor."

"You're judgmental and you'll write somebody off without getting to know him just because you don't think he's your type."

Every person who has ever accused me of being too picky has also criticized me for dating some schmuck who wasn't good enough for me! I can't be simultaneously too picky AND not picky enough, can I?!These are the times I think people just say things because they want to seem like they know better than you. They usually don't. 


  1. My least favorite quip is, "you never know"

Truth is you probably do know. I hear this quip when someone suggests I could fall in love with someone I've known as a friend/acquaintance for several years already and have literally never been interested in or attracted to him. To test this logic, a few years ago I embraced the philosophy that if you're single you, shouldn't have a type because (read with ominously dorky voice) "you never know!"

I dated every guy who showed interest in me in my quest to find out if indeed one never knows. I hoped to be pleasantly surprised. I was not. Turns out I actually know myself pretty well and have a fairly good read on other people. Most people do know what they want. And if once upon a time you would've tried suggesting to your now-married friend who's giving you the bad advice that she date the same guy friend she's pushing on you now, you know she wouldn't have gone for him either! Not because he's a bad guy but because you don't need another person to tell you to be interested in someone!

After dating dozens of men during my "singles should have no type" era, I concluded that the "you never know" philosophy only holds true for two types of women. One type being the very young and inexperienced women who simply don't know anything yet. The other would be a truly stupid woman who somehow didn't notice that the love of her life was right in front of her all along! (You might know this woman as she's actually been the central character in every Hallmark movie ever made!)


More gems of wisdom:


  1. "Have you ever considered online dating?"

No, It's 2018 and I've somehow never heard of it!


  1. "Have you prayed about it?"

Yes, for the past couple decades. Basically, since I had my first crush. I do believe God directs our steps, but He's not a husband granting genie. 


  1. Maybe God's just not done perfecting you yet, and that's why you haven't met your husband."  

No, that can't be it because you're married and clearly imperfect-- I mean, did you even hear yourself on that last statement??


  1. Some of you are still thinking about the male friend I mentioned at the beginning of this post. If you're wondering if he might turn out to be more than a friend...then go back and re-read point number 4! Seriously, sometimes you do know! Also, part of the reason he has great insight into women because he's not attracted to them 😀




Moral Of Today's Story: 

Sometimes people mean well, but they give terrible advice. You don't need to date that guy who looks like Kim Jong Un just because you're married friends think he's a good catch. Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do--unless you're someone who's been giving the aforementioned advice, you know less than you think you do!


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