Overzealous

Imagine you go to an expert foodie to recommend the best dessert. That expert with her professional palate recommends something delicious like a hot fudge sundae, and the description sounds dreamy - homemade hot fudge, fresh baked brownie bits, creamy French vanilla ice cream, and a delectable cherry on top! You dive into your fabulous sundae, and your fudge is too fudgy. It’s overwhelmingly chocolaty —something you didn’t think was possible! There’s a disproportionate ratio of brownie bits to ice cream, and the ice cream itself is less French than plain ol’ vanilla. The cherry was good. But you ate it, and now that part is over. 

Thankfully, I haven’t actually been let down by dessert. Dessert remains a constant comfort in times of heartbreak as well as happiness. In terms of disappointment I am, of course, talking about a man. And in this case, a man who was recommended by an expert matchmaker.

The thing I say I’ve been looking for is a nice, caring, Christian man. And the last one I dated happened to be a little too much in all respects. In talking to my friends, the first description that popped out of my mouth was that he seemed almost “too Christian,” but that’s not really an accurate description. The fact is he was just Overzealous, and shall be thusly named for our purposes. 

Overzealous had recently gotten sober and so attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings was high on his priority list. Commendable. I still enjoy a margarita on the rocks with salt, and he wasn’t bothered if I drank with him. But I usually didn’t. Just like I wouldn’t probably eat a big hamburger if I was out to lunch with a vegetarian friend. 

He also had recently moved to town and had gotten involved with a new church. Great! Usually, the men I date are willing to go to church when I drag them with me, but here Overzealous was regularly attending on his own!

Not only did Overzealous do volunteer work in his church and with his AA groups (that’s right-groups, plural!), he also volunteered at a homeless shelter and offered transportation to a few homeless men to church events. What a big heart! Right?

The first couple dates were lighthearted and fun. I was pleasantly surprised that I kind of liked him. He was my first date set by my matchmaker and I honestly didn’t have very high expectations. But conversation flowed pretty easily, and we had some common interests and even a couple common connections since I know some people from his church. There were a couple red flags early on, the big one was that he had just ended an 8 year relationship and had only been single for 3 months. He mentioned that he wanted to date a lot of people more as friends and see who he was outside a relationship. I told him I had dated a lot and I know myself quite well already. He said he ultimately wants marriage and family like I do so that was the only reason I proceeded to see him. I actually think he was overzealous in diving into dating so soon after his relationship ended, too. Overzealous was pretty much overzealous all around. 

Anyway, both of our schedules were busy and so booking time to see each other was a little difficult. He squeezed in a pool date with me one evening for an hour. It was probably an hour and a half, but still it was short because he had an AA meeting that night. I kind of wanted him to blow off the meeting, but I didn’t want to be THAT girl. You know, that girl who makes a guy fall off the wagon and go spinning into an alcoholic stupor after a year of sobriety. So he went to his meeting-in his wet swim trunks nonetheless because he apparently didn’t think ahead to bring dry shorts to change into. 

The next time he could fit me into his schedule was a Sunday afternoon when he had invited me to go to his church’s block party. When he first asked me if I was interested, I said that I wanted to see him again but that I was neutral about the block party, I could take it or leave it. He asked me a second time when he called a few days later so I decided to go, and that was the day things got super weird.

I attended my own church that Sunday morning, and then went to meet him at the elementary playground where the event was being held. He had already eaten when I got there since he arrived earlier, which seemed slightly rude to me. But he walked me over to the food line and introduced me to several friends on the way. He told me a couple of the men he introduced me to were the men from the homeless shelter that he had been ministering to and had driven there today. He sat with me on the playground equipment while I ate and he wanted to know about what I learned at church that morning. Then he became concerned about one of the homeless men who was sitting by himself and not socializing with anyone. He asked what I thought we should do. So I told him that we could go talk to him as soon as I finished my last two bites of food on my plate. I wasn’t even done eating before he was standing up! He seemed relieved that I was willing to go “minister” to his friend. As we were standing in a group with his friend, he began pointing out some of the pastors and church leaders as if they were celebrities in Us Weekly. He flagged down the pastor and introduced us before setting up a coffee date with the pastor himself. He was completely starstruck by him. Then he told me he was considering going into the ministry, which was completely opposite of what he had said back on our second date when he said he’d like to work until retirement in his current industry. Then he asked if I would like to go into the ministry, which felt like a pre-screening kind of question the way he asked. So I told him, no,  not as a profession. 

Overzealous whispered that there were some other church leaders behind us and he could introduce me if I wanted. Again, he seemed in awe of people who had any role at the church. I told him that if they were friends of his he could introduce me, but that I’m not into church politics so I don’t need to meet anyone just because they do something at the church. 

He continued to make small talk with me asking questions like “what’s your favorite Bible verse?” I found it an awkward question outside of a serious Bible study conversation, but promptly and sweetly answered, “Psalm 142:3.” Internally, I was kicking myself for perpetuating this awkward line of conversation. Not that I mind discussing faith topics, but it felt like he was trying too hard to be spiritual all the time. Overzealous was sounding overzealous. 

He then proceeded to recite all of the 23rd Psalm to me, making eye contact the whole time. After this we watched some untalented young girls attempt a dance routine to a worship song. It was painful to watch, and I had no comment when he and the pastor heartily agreed how wonderful and moving it was to watch the youth serving the Lord!

He had been holding a church bulletin that apparently talked about the church’s annual report- finances, missions and ministry goals. He was awkwardly turning it around in his hands, and eventually said “we got these at church today. Would you be interested in looking it over?” He asked as he proffered the bulletin. I told him that no, I would not be interested, and I really only glance it over even when it’s in regards to my own church. He said he appreciated my honesty...and then proceeded to show me the highlights and financial graphs that nobody I know would ever find interesting! After the third page, he finally read my body language and apologized for showing it to me after I said I wasn’t interested. 

Shortly after that, we left. Not together though. He had to drive his homeless friend back to the shelter and then he had to go meet with someone from AA to help him through his sixth of the twelve steps. I felt very wedged into his schedule that day. At least he told his friend to meet him at his car so he could walk me to mine and say goodbye. 

Despite this extremely awkward day, I had decided I would give him one more chance. In my heart and my head I knew it wouldn’t end any better than that day had, but he had seemed normal to start with. Maybe it was just one bad day. 

We had talked about getting coffee or lunch the next week, but before that happened he called and told me that he had met another girl that he really liked and he didn’t want to waste my time since he knew I didn’t want to collect casual friends to date. I wished him well and that was that. 

The most annoying thing about the end of this story is that I was settling for him. I was deigning to give him one more chance. And then he calls it quits!?! How rude!

Moral of Today’s Story:

I don’t need to keep giving people chances when I’m already over them. The good and the bad news is that I can’t even settle for someone. Although perhaps the issue with that is I need to tell the men I’m only halfway interested in that I’m attempting to settle. They didn’t know that was the game plan! But seriously, as much as I’d like to end this single chapter of my life, I certainly don’t want to settle for a boring conversationalist who doesn’t have time to prioritize me above his volunteer obligations.