Last Fall, I dated a type of man I'd already sworn off. A foreign man. An African man. I had sworn off all foreign men based on some of my own as well as some of my friend's experiences. But sometimes when you're shopping for men on the internet and you see things like 6'6" you can't fight the impulse to swipe right. One of my weaknesses is gigantically tall men. Other types of mine include: NBA sized men, football player builds, hot nerdy athletes, sexy computer geeks, authoritative business types, and male nurses.
I know. That last one surprised me, too. But I had previously discovered there's something very attractive about a strong man who knows how to care for someone. Not to mention he specializes in anatomy and bedside manner! This man was both gigantically tall and a male nurse.
Anyway, I went out with my Giant Murse and we had a nice time. He wasn't smooth like a lot of "player" types I'd known, but he was sweet, sincere and romantic. I was hesitant to get too involved because of cultural differences, and I told him so. I explained that I'd dated an African man before who didn't treat women with the respect I expected in a relationship. He understood my desire to take things slow and so we did.
After a few weeks, Giant Murse and I had the DTR (Define The Relationship) talk and we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend! Things went pretty well for a while. He cooked for me. He bought me a "just because" gift. He helped with a disgusting critter situation at home once. We even dressed in matching couples costumes for Halloween, which was a relationship bucket list item for me. Then his mother decided to come from Nigeria for a spontaneous 3 week visit! Dun, dun, dun...
Apparently, Giant Murse's mother thought that he had been a bachelor for too long and that she needed to come arrange for him to meet some nice African girls here in the States. When she arrived, he told her about me and that he would decide for himself who he would date. Yeah, you tell her!
We really weren't at a "meet the family" point yet, but since she was staying with him I thought I should at least say hello once. He didn't think that was a good idea. I got the feeling she would see me as some white, American hussy trying to corrupt her son.
While she was staying, he had to drive her around places, amend his schedule to accommodate her, and he even cut our dates short because she would be waiting up until he got home! When you're dating a 33 year old man, curfew is not something you expect to be an issue!
He also had his nursing board exam coming up (he was making a career change and had just finished nursing school), and he dealt with A LOT of anxiety about that test. Between studying for the exam and carting around his mother, he basically had no time for me. He kept telling me things would be better when he was done with the test. Then he took the test, but had to wait two days to get the results. He wouldn't even see me in the two days before he got the results! He said he'd still be too anxious and didn't want to celebrate if he didn't know he passed. Never mind that I'm over here just being the supportive but neglected girlfriend!
Then he got the results -- he passed! Yay! Happy days are here again! Giant Murse was an official nurse! But he wanted to wait until his mom left town to get together again! Two more days.
Then radio silence. I didn't hear from him. He didn't respond to texts or voicemails. After a few very frustrating days, I told him that if I didn't hear from him by the end of the day I would take it as his way of breaking up with me.
Still nothing.
A small part of me was concerned that all the anxiety he'd been dealing with had gotten the best of him and that he'd had some sort of meltdown, but he finally did text me two weeks later. He didn't have a good reason for not contacting me. Basically his anxiety had indeed gotten the better of him. He had told me before that when he was overwhelmed or stressed he tended to just shut everybody out and not respond to anyone at all. I told him that's not ok with me if he wants to be in a relationship. We texted a couple times over the next few months mostly just checking in, seeing how the other person is doing. He never really tried to get back with me though. I'm both surprised and offended by that, but I think it was for the best.
Moral Of Today's Story:
- Be leery of a mama's boy who won't let you near her. Mother's love me! We don't need to have dinner or go shopping together when our dating relationship has just started, but a simple meet and greet when she's staying WITH YOU might be appropriate.
- It's just not ok to stop communicating. Use your words!
- Perhaps I should trust my instincts that made me reluctant in the first place. Then I won't be kicking myself and saying "I told me so" later.
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