Christians Who Mingle: Part 2

At a wedding recently, the father of the bride made a speech about how God had honored his daughter by bringing her a husband because she had been faithful to God. It was a nice speech, but it's also a false truth. One that most of the church has bought into, unfortunately. We think that if we check all the morality boxes on the list that God is obligated to give us what we want in return. 

This theory is affirming to married people who can feel justified that they must've met approval and crossed the finish line, so to speak. So when things don't line up with this theory, they make more excuses to fit the story that they're selling. 

Such as the lie of "you haven't met your spouse yet because God just hasn't finished perfecting you yet." This is quoted about as much as Scripture, and it's highly detrimental to a single person's self-esteem. What this statement is actually saying is that married people have achieved some level of perfection and that you, as a single person, are not good enough as you are. In essence, we're telling people they are unloveable. How un-Christian! God is always at work to perfect people - both single and married. You do not have to wonder what's wrong with you if you're single, and you certainly should not assume that you have all the answers if you're married. The truth is most married people just got lucky enough to meet the right person sooner rather than later. They most often do not possess greater skill or knowledge than a single person. Now, there are single people who are single because of stupidity and poor choices. Just like there are some people who use some savvy skills to get married, for example Anna Nicole! 

Today's Moral Of The Story: The fact that you are single does not mean there is something wrong with you. In fact, it sometimes means that you were smart enough to leave a bad relationship. The fact that you are married means that you have a partner to love you, share life with you and grow more perfect together.

Christians Who Mingle

When I was 18 and ready to get out of the small town I'd outgrown, I went off to college at a Christian university where the females outnumbered the males 3 to 1. Now, many nice young ladies go to Christian universities in pursuit of an MRS degree. (If you're confused about that major, look at the letters again) This dynamic of eager-to-marry, over-populated, young ladies put a lot of pressure on the minority of males on campus. They seemed to live in constant fear of being tricked into marrying one of these MRS majors. Some thought that if they were friendly it might be seen as flirting, while others flirted freely under the guise of "we're just friends." The good news is that there were also many who developed healthy, lasting relationships despite the confusing environment.

Christian dating has a subset of problems and stereotypes unique from the rest of the dating world. One of these problems originated with Joshua Harris, whom I consider to be the bane of Christian relationships. He wrote the infamous book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." Soon after this book came out, the term "courting" became the height of charismatic fashion. Courting isn't a bad word or idea on it's own. The problem, however, is that It made dating a bad word. 

I've heard a few Christians use the term "non-date." I, personally, think it's insulting if you're somebody's non-date. As if you can't even commit to dating me for one night? Or more likely, you're building in a safety net in case things don't work out. Then there's no perceived risk of humiliation or heartbreak, and you can just tell yourself it was no big deal because we never even dated. 

I ascribe to the "nothing ventured, nothing gained" philosophy. Put yourself out there if you want a real chance!  I also believe in being honest and saying what it is you want. Quit believing all those trite newlyweds who try to tell you that it happened when they finally told God that they were happy being single and they stopped looking all together. People quote those type of sayings so much, you'd think it were Scripture! It's not. And it's also misleading. This is not a magic formula to find your spouse so quit pretending you don't want to find the love of your life! The truth is that if these smug marrieds fell in love with singleness and had no desire to find a spouse, they wouldn't have gotten married. Instead, they would have taken a vow of celibacy. 

Moral of Today's Story: STOP LYING, AND STOP BELIEVING THE LIES! Don't call it a non-date if you want to be in a dating relationship. And for crying out loud, stop pretending that you got married because you finally didn't want to get married! 

Plenty of Catfish

I've told a few stories about my Plenty of Fish (POF) experiences. Well, this is the one that sent me straight home to delete my profile.

I won't be giving an alias today as in most of my stories. His name was Marc - or at least that's what he said. I had first communicated with Marc at the beginning of the year, and we talked about going out. He said he needed to double check something in his schedule, but then I didn't hear from him again. His profile was deleted the next day as well. 

I had forgotten all about Marc when he contacted me on POF again in August - 8 months later. He apologized for disappearing, claiming he had felt overwhelmed by the whole online dating experience. I could empathize with that feeling so I didn't hold it against him. 

He suggested that we meet at a Barnes and Noble in a Friday evening, and I agreed. Right when I arrived, he texted that he was running late from work and would be about 35 minutes late. 

I was slightly annoyed since I had nothing to do but wander around the book shelves and wait. But I told him I had just arrived and I'd see him when he got there. 

Exactly 35 minutes later he texted

Now, I was looking around as he was texting, and feeling foolish since I had already seen pretty much everyone in the store during the past 35 minutes. 

I'm also fairly certain that he was there and watching me for all of those 35 minutes. 

Creeper! 

He said he was wearing blue and tan. There were five men in the store at the time, and they were all wearing some combination of blue and tan. I saw nobody who remotely looked like his pics that he had sent. He had quite a few pictures, but I don't know if that's what he really looked like. 

I do know that he has set up a profile three different times with pictures of the same man. Despite the fact that I reported him, he set up another profile.

Moral of today's story: Ladies, if you see this man, DO NOT go out with him! Because unfortunately, there are plenty of catfish in the sea! 

Mama's Boy

Ladies, we've all heard the advice of choosing a man based on how he treats his mother. Supposedly, how he treats her is indicative of how he'll treat you. Perhaps there can be some indication of his kindness or respect, but do you really want to be treated like his mother? Did mama raise a man who knows how to appreciate a woman? Or did mama raise a man who needs a woman to cook and clean for him?

On my first date with "Mama's Boy," we went out to an Italian restaurant for dinner. I watched him walk as the hostess led us to the table, noting that he had neither a limp nor a tiny, deformed hand. Good signs so far! 

(If that comment confuses you, please read the posts on Tiny Hand and Señor Gimpy) 

After we had ordered our drinks, Mama's Boy's phone rang. He said that it was his mom and he turned and answered it right away. He chatted with his mother for several minutes, but since he spoke French when he spoke with his family I had no idea of what they were speaking. His tone sounded casual and conversational so I didn't think it was an emergency. 

When he got off the phone, I asked him if everything was alright. He told me that he talks with his parents at least a couple times every day. I didn't know what to think. I've never been on a date that was interrupted by a conversation with the man's mother. 

 A few dates later, I actually told him that it was odd and a little rude to answer his phone on our date. He apologized and tried not to take calls when he was with me. Although, he didn't seem to think I would notice if he texted instead when he was with me. It was only odd the times when he had one hand on me and one hand texting his brother. About what? No idea! 

Mama's Boy and I dated for a few months. Compared to some of the other winners I had gone out with, this was a mostly positive relationship, but he quickly became very selfish. 

He usually said he was too tired to drive across town to see me and insisted I'd come see him (never mind if I was tired). On my way to see him once, he called and asked if I was hungry. I said I could probably eat something. For a moment I thought it was sweet of him to consider if I was hungry, but then he said, "good. Will you pick up something for me to eat, too?" 

 

Now, I like to cook and I also think that cooking together can be very romantic. He started suggesting that we cook meals together, but they ended up with me in the kitchen and him waiting to be fed. 

Sometimes after I worked my two jobs I had at the time, he would ask me to make things for him. One such night, I told him that it would take me an hour to make that dish and it was already late. By that I meant that I wasn't going to make it, but he waited an hour at home, then called to ask if the food was done. 

In the end, there were a lot of reasons that Mama's Boy and I didn't work out. Actually, his mother was never a real factor. All of my issues with him stemmed from his selfishness and stubbornness. Although, now that I think about it, maybe his mother could have taught him better manners. 

Moral of today's story: Did mama raise him to want a girlfriend or a maid? Learn the difference between someone who appreciates what you do for him and someone who expects you to do things for him.

(I don't actually do housework in my French Maid's uniform)

Señor Gimpy's Paella

When it comes to men, there are plenty of fish in the sea - especially on the dating site Plenty of Fish (POF). But certain ponds only seem to breed toxic, mutant fish so beware of what you catch. Who knows what poisonous things have seeped into the water where you cast your nets. 

I've already told you about my last catch from the POF pond, Tiny Hand, and tonight I'll tell you about Señor Gimpy. 

Señor Gimpy was from somewhere in South America, and He had moved here to take a job as an engineer. We only chatted for a few days before we met. I didn't know a lot, but I thought he seemed educated and polite so that was a good enough starting place. We agreed to meet at Roja on a Monday night for a margarita. It turned out to be the longest one hour date I've ever been on! 

Señor was much shorter and more slender than he had appeared in his profile pics. (On a side note, this has happened before that someone looked smaller in person. The good news about this is that if it's happened to them, perhaps I might look thinner in person!) 

Anyway, back to the story... He also had a limp and a rather crooked posture. I tried to focus on getting to know him for his personality, but this was very difficult because I could barely understand the man when he spoke! 

His accent was so thick that our conversation was painfully speckled with "what's" and "could you repeat that's." Roja was deserted on this particular Monday, and I could tell the staff were aware and sympathetic to my blind date. My mind was starting to wander towards the cute bartender as Señor was insisting on turning drinks into dinner. He was very sweet and kept asking if I was hungry and offering to order me something else. The wait staff were making frequent checks on our table - most likely because they were betting on the outcome of our blind date - and each time they stopped, he offered again to order dinner. 

I checked my phone for the time, thinking it must have been about 4 hours. I was wrong. 58 long minutes later, we were nearly ready to part ways. He then made several invitations to come have paella with his family. His relatives that lived in Omaha apparently had big paella dinners every week, and he insisted I should come. It actually sounded fun to go to a big Latin family paella party, but I couldn't bear to suffer through more of our difficult conversation. 

I never went out with Señor again, but he did email from time to time. Recently, he also found me on a different dating site, which makes me realize that all the pools must be running dry if I'm experiencing reruns on other sites. He is a sweet man, and I hope he can share his paella with someone special. It just wasn't meant to be me. 

Moral of today's story:  Sometimes you have to throw the fish back in the pond before you make paella. Not just any fish will do when you're cooking such a delicate dish! 

1,000 Words

A picture is worth 1,000 words. This is especially true of a dating profile picture. I mean, seriously, the written descriptions usually have a 500 character max! Where do you think the important info comes from?? 

The following are an overview of what any single girl will see a million times on EVERY dating site!

Let's decode what some of the typical profile pics really tell you. 

The shirtless, headless hunk pic

-I may own shirts, but I don't like to wear them.

-I spend all my free time at the gym...and taking selfies.

- I didn't bother to include my face because I'm only interested in using our bodies, if you know what I mean.

The clearly cropped out ex girlfriend pic

- Most likely this was a recent breakup, and thus I have not had time to take a new pic. 

- I'd like you to be my rebound girl. 

- I only signed up for this dating site so I can move on faster than my ex!

- You can't be positive that this wasn't my mom in the pic! You know what happens when you assume...

The "me and my niece and nephews! Love them!" pic

- I'm letting you know I like kids so you'll consider having mine!

- I don't have the common sense to not put pictures of children on the internet for strangers to see! 

- I don't actually know these children. I just photo bombed them! 

The "me and my sister" pic

- I have an oddly affectionate relationship with my sister! It's disturbing, really. 

- I could have used a photo where we're not being uncomfortably touchy-feely, but I'm just not that bright. 

The undefined lone child pic

- My psych professor said that women respond favorably to pictures of babies and puppies. 

- Im not going to tell you whose child this is. I'm really just hoping you'll be curious enough to email me :)

- I still see nothing wrong with posting innocent children's pictures for strangers!  

The mysterious woman in the pic

- What? We just broke up an hour ago. I didn't have time to crop her out of my pics yet! 

- It might be my sister. Or my friend.

- You still can't be positive that this wasn't my mom in the pic! You know what happens when you assume...

The "mom and me" pic

- My mom will be joining us on our first date! 

- She's going to live with us someday, too! Built-in babysitter!

Today's moral of the story:  People are purposely representing themselves a certain way by the profile pictures they choose. In these cases, it's best if you DO judge a book by its cover. 

White Lies And Black Guys

One Saturday afternoon, my phone buzzed with a text from an un-identified phone number. He asked who I was, which I always think is a silly thing to do. Why are you contacting me if you don't know who I am? Did you just make up numbers to see whom you'd find?

He told me his name- which I have already forgotten- and said he had my number in his new phone without a name. We chatted for a bit and I found out that he was single, my age, and had just moved back to Omaha! 

I had an inkling that this was a man I'd met once in a foam pit at a dance party. I'd given my number to him, but we never ended up going out after that so I had deleted him from my contacts. 

Well, after chatting, we exchanged selfies. He was not the man I danced with in foam. He was not a good or even ok looking man. I know this sounds shallow, but there was no possible way I could be attracted to this man! I wracked my brain for an easy let down when he asked if I was open to going on a date. 

Rather than tell him how horribly unattractive I found him, I decided to tell him that I only date Black guys. He can't be upset if he's White and I'm into Black guys, right? And this was loosely the truth as I'd been dating mostly Black guys lately-not purposely or exclusively, but just because it happened that way. 

Well, this all went an even uglier direction after that. He assumed that I had that preference based on the stereotype of...well, what Black men have to, uh, offer. He insisted that he had sizable offerings, as well. And he made more statements about wanting to prove himself to me. Ugh! My white lie had opened a can of worms that just kept going and going. While I've never been proven wrong about certain stereotypes, I'm also not instigating a broad-based research forum on the topic. I stated one last time that I was not interested, and I ignored his subsequent messages. 

I still don't know how this man ended up with my number because I'm positive I've never met him. Maybe I should make up numbers and see who I find...

Moral of today's story: Don't use a lie - even a white lie - to cover up an uglier truth. Lies weave a tangled web no matter how small they start.