Insanity

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result. This definition is especially true in dating. Off again/on again type relationships are the definition of relationship insanity, and I have yet to see one of these situations pan out.  While I wish I could say that I was so cunning that I never made the same mistake twice, I am at least glad to say that I have a short list of relationship repeats.

One of my relationship repeats was Mr. Look-What-I-Can-Do. He needed a lot of attention and approval. This was something that I didn't recognize right away because it really just came out in group situations (One more reason you should have your friends evaluate your new love interest!) I met him through church friends, but for some reason I got to know him more in one on one settings at first.

One on one we had a great time, but when we added in other people, I was often embarrassed of his cheesy, attention-seeking behavior. He would talk about minor accomplishments in a bragging way or he would show me things he could do on the computer that those of us who don't have techie jobs probably don't know how to do. If I wanted to know more about computers, then I would figure it out. I didn't even think most of those skills were very impressive, but when he tooted his own horn it was really unattractive.

Well, I never had very long to evaluate the negative aspects of our dynamic because he would disappear every few dates. We would go out and hang out a few times, and then he would freak out a little bit about being in a relationship and disappear.

He would come back and tell me he missed me and was ready to be committed to me. He even whispered, "I love you" one night when he came to ask if we could get back together. But it was so soft I asked him to repeat what he said, and then he didn't repeat it. The next day I met the woman he had spent the night with 24 hours before he tried to reunite with me. He apparently thought he could break up with her by just being vague in his responses to her and saying he was too busy to hang out. Well, she didn't understand that he had moved on. He was hanging out with me, and she just showed up since he wasn't responding to her. That's when all the poo hit the fan.

Suffice it to say that I also didn't understand his poor etiquette and callous use of this poor woman - and me! So he ended up with neither of us after that.

Months later, he came to tell me again that he was ready for a serious relationship with me. He apologized for all of his past mistakes, and he seemed more grounded and sincere this time. At this point, however, I was finally smart enough to see that he shouldn't be able to treat me like a toy. - to pick me up whenever he wants to play with me and put me down whenever he's bored.  I told him thanks, but no thanks. I was done giving attention to Mr. Look-What-I-Can-Do.

A month later, he met another girl, and he married her not too long after that. I guess the last time he said he was ready, he really meant it. He really was ready to be in a grown-up relationship. But I'm so glad that it's not with me.

 I've met his wife several times, and she doesn't have any idea that he told me he loved me or of the relationship that we had. She actually overheard a conversation between me and another friend about running into an ex with his wife at a party and how he acted really awkward around me. And then she joined the conversation, laughing and talking about how that must have been an awkward ride home for my ex and his wife. I realized then that she was clueless that her husband was also my ex. Maybe she doesn't need to know details, but I would never want to be in a marriage where my husband wasn't completely honest about his past with me.

Moral Of Today's Story:  Turn your off again/on again relationship off, and then don't turn it on again. Insane asylums have improved drastically in the past few decades, but there's no reason to jeopardize your mental health. The reason it ended at all is not because you had too much unconditional love, stability, and similarities. It was a bad relationship. Move on.

Christians Who Mingle: Part 2

At a wedding recently, the father of the bride made a speech about how God had honored his daughter by bringing her a husband because she had been faithful to God. It was a nice speech, but it's also a false truth. One that most of the church has bought into, unfortunately. We think that if we check all the morality boxes on the list that God is obligated to give us what we want in return. 

This theory is affirming to married people who can feel justified that they must've met approval and crossed the finish line, so to speak. So when things don't line up with this theory, they make more excuses to fit the story that they're selling. 

Such as the lie of "you haven't met your spouse yet because God just hasn't finished perfecting you yet." This is quoted about as much as Scripture, and it's highly detrimental to a single person's self-esteem. What this statement is actually saying is that married people have achieved some level of perfection and that you, as a single person, are not good enough as you are. In essence, we're telling people they are unloveable. How un-Christian! God is always at work to perfect people - both single and married. You do not have to wonder what's wrong with you if you're single, and you certainly should not assume that you have all the answers if you're married. The truth is most married people just got lucky enough to meet the right person sooner rather than later. They most often do not possess greater skill or knowledge than a single person. Now, there are single people who are single because of stupidity and poor choices. Just like there are some people who use some savvy skills to get married, for example Anna Nicole! 

Today's Moral Of The Story: The fact that you are single does not mean there is something wrong with you. In fact, it sometimes means that you were smart enough to leave a bad relationship. The fact that you are married means that you have a partner to love you, share life with you and grow more perfect together.

Christians Who Mingle

When I was 18 and ready to get out of the small town I'd outgrown, I went off to college at a Christian university where the females outnumbered the males 3 to 1. Now, many nice young ladies go to Christian universities in pursuit of an MRS degree. (If you're confused about that major, look at the letters again) This dynamic of eager-to-marry, over-populated, young ladies put a lot of pressure on the minority of males on campus. They seemed to live in constant fear of being tricked into marrying one of these MRS majors. Some thought that if they were friendly it might be seen as flirting, while others flirted freely under the guise of "we're just friends." The good news is that there were also many who developed healthy, lasting relationships despite the confusing environment.

Christian dating has a subset of problems and stereotypes unique from the rest of the dating world. One of these problems originated with Joshua Harris, whom I consider to be the bane of Christian relationships. He wrote the infamous book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." Soon after this book came out, the term "courting" became the height of charismatic fashion. Courting isn't a bad word or idea on it's own. The problem, however, is that It made dating a bad word. 

I've heard a few Christians use the term "non-date." I, personally, think it's insulting if you're somebody's non-date. As if you can't even commit to dating me for one night? Or more likely, you're building in a safety net in case things don't work out. Then there's no perceived risk of humiliation or heartbreak, and you can just tell yourself it was no big deal because we never even dated. 

I ascribe to the "nothing ventured, nothing gained" philosophy. Put yourself out there if you want a real chance!  I also believe in being honest and saying what it is you want. Quit believing all those trite newlyweds who try to tell you that it happened when they finally told God that they were happy being single and they stopped looking all together. People quote those type of sayings so much, you'd think it were Scripture! It's not. And it's also misleading. This is not a magic formula to find your spouse so quit pretending you don't want to find the love of your life! The truth is that if these smug marrieds fell in love with singleness and had no desire to find a spouse, they wouldn't have gotten married. Instead, they would have taken a vow of celibacy. 

Moral of Today's Story: STOP LYING, AND STOP BELIEVING THE LIES! Don't call it a non-date if you want to be in a dating relationship. And for crying out loud, stop pretending that you got married because you finally didn't want to get married!