Banter and Burnout

People usually talk about burnout in reference to their work and careers. Psychology Today says that burnout is a state of chronic stress that leads to 

1. Physical and emotional exhaustion, 

2. Cynicism and detachment, 

3. Feelings of ineffectiveness and lack of accomplishment. 

Another quote says: "Burnout reduces productivity and saps your energy, leaving you feeling increasingly helpless, hopeless, cynical, and resentful. Eventually, you may feel like you have nothing more to give."

When you put it that way, I'm definitely suffering from dating burnout! I'm emotionally exhausted, cynical, and I definitely feel ineffective and lacking the accomplishment of finding one non-douchey guy to stick around! 

The problem isn't that it can't or won't happen. The problem is that I'm so over trying! Even when a guy has good potential I don't really want to go through the motions anymore. 

One of the last guys I went out with, let's call him Banter, seemed great. We had great conversations filled with witty banter - hence the name. We could talk on the phone for hours and laugh nearly the whole time. He checked off most of the boxes on my invisible check list.  And he had one of the smoothest lines after our first kiss. He had walked me to my car after our date and surprised me with a tender kiss. With his hand still lightly resting on my hip, he pulled away and said softly, "and then there were sparks." Silver screen moment right there! 

So what was the problem? I told him straight up on our first date that if he fell in love with me and we stayed together for a year that I would likely want to get engaged at that point. I think that was probably the point where I scared him off. 

Why did I tell him that? Because I'm burnt out! Because it's the truth and I'm tired of wasting my time! I might have also made some "no ghosting" rules stating if he wanted to break up with me then he was required to do it verbally - either by phone or in person. I was still reeling from being ghosted by Almost Perfect, but I also feel very strongly that men should live by the moral rule that you don't just disappear and cut off all contact! It's the worst possible way to end things! Anyway, we bantered about relationship rules and expectations and Banter amended the rule saying that there should be a clause citing mandatory breakup hanky panky. I told him I thought that hanky panky was for making up not breaking up, but in the end we agreed upon a set of rules because when you have good banter (ie. communication skills) you can talk anything out! 

I didn't end up going out with Banter again. Both of us had recently suffered breakup wounds, and I think he wanted something casual until he was ready to be serious again while I apparently wanted a guarantee he wouldn't break my heart again. There is no such guarantee in any relationship. 

Moral of Today's Story:

I think dating burnout should be treated like any other kind of burnout. If dating is starting to feel like a job that you'd rather not go to, then clock out for a while. Cut back on how much you "work." Don't get me wrong, I'm still looking for Mr. Right. But it's a hobby, not a job. 

The Frenchman

When I really like a guy, I always remember what outfit or special accessories I wore with him. The next time I see that blouse or skirt or whatever  hanging in my closet I pull it out and reminisce about what special moments we had. The clothes make me think about the care I took to look nice or how he made me feel pretty just by the way he looked at me. So after I couldn't remember what I wore on my date last week, I knew it wasn't meant to be. 

The Frenchman was admittedly a rebound after the boyfriend I still have not brought myself to blog about. The thing that makes dating a French man so different is that the French culture is inherently romantic. They lavish sweet compliments and would do anything to make you happy, but they do it all before they know much about you. When he would speak honeyed words, I kept thinking, "yeah, I'm great, but you don't know that yet. Calm down!"

For example, when he said he's allergic to dairy, I said I love yogurt and I would have a hard time giving that up. He looked deeply into my eyes and said, "you love yogurt? If I'd known, I would have brought you some." 

"In the middle of a sushi restaurant you would bring me yogurt?" I asked.

With even more tenderness and still looking deep in my eyes he said, "Because you love it." 

Now, this might actually be the sweetest thing anyone has ever wished for me. Thinking that I should have something just because I love it is more than most guys have done for me.

After the Frenchman took me for sushi,  he pulled out a beautiful bouquet of yellow flowers from his car. He had asked me my favorite color earlier that day, which at the time I actually thought was a rather blase conversation topic. When I said I like pink and yellow, he responded "yellow is nice." As if he's disapproving of my other favorite! When I texted him after the date that I was admiring the pretty flowers at home and thanked him again for his thoughtfulness, he stated simply, "yellow is pretty." One of many three word texts from him. 

A lot of our conversation felt like an interview and I could sense how much he wants to find the right woman. He texted me two days after we met and asked what our next step was. Where is our relationship going?? I guess he was wanting affirmation that I was still interested, but it seemed obvious to me that he would either ask me on another date or...not. Is there really any other option??

So after some coaching,we agreed we would go out again and get to know each other better. And he picked a day one week after our first date. Then he said we could decide after our second date whether or not we wanted to be in a relationship. I kept getting the feeling he wanted to get to the bottom line.

We carried on a texting conversation over the next couple days, in which I told him that I was crocheting a pillow for a friend. He was very impressed with my domestic skills! He texted "I want to be in a relationship with you." 

I asked if he wanted to date me because of my crocheting skills. I'm not entirely sure he understood he question, but he said yes. 

I told him I still would like to go on a second date - maybe a third or fourth - before defining our relationship. He agreed...until the next day. 

The next day, he texted me that he felt I was communicating less than a few days ago and if I wasn't really interested I needed to let him know. He went on to say that he didn't want to play games and that he didn't want to drag himself into this relationship just to hit the wall. 

Let me first say that I had been texting detailed accounts of my day to give him a glimpse of who I am and what odd or interesting things I do. While his messages to me were always along the lines of "my day was good." 

So at this point I'm starting to wonder if he's bipolar or if it's common for French people to be so up and down in their emotions. Yesterday he was dying to lock this thing down, and today he's so afraid of being led on that he's demanding I turn him loose now! 

I felt offended that he would suggest I might be playing games, but truthfully I wasn't feeling a strong connection and I probably wasn't replying to him as quickly as someone I was really into. 

Although I told him - and I believe - that it puts too much pressure on both parties to try to figure out everything out after one meeting, after another 24 hours of labored conversation and the fact that I can't remember what I wore on our date, I gave him the definitive statement he was looking for. I didn't want to go on a second date. 

Moral of Today's Story:

I could probably get used to be wooed and romanced, but not if it includes a grown man acting as emotional and insecure as a junior high girl! But next time I like a man enough that I remember what I wore on our date, I'll tell him that I can crochet and see if that clinches the relationship! 

8 Simple Rules To Be My Boyfriend

There are so many things that I, as a woman, assume men know about dating or merely talking to women. I could tell a  one sentence story to a female friend and she immediately knows why I'm upset and the rationale to support my argument. When talking to a boyfriend, I have to lay out all the facts, cite my source, argue my thesis, and then he finally realizes why I'm upset. 

So for any new boyfriend applicants, here are my basic rules and expectations. I cannot claim that other women have the same set of rules for themselves. I cannot claim that this list is all encompassing of my needs. But if you have any qualms about the following, then you need not proceed any further with your application for the position. 

1. Speak my love language.  If you're not familiar with the book The Five Love Languages, pick up a copy and familiarize yourself with the "words of affirmation" chapter as that is my top love language. Love languages are just the way we feel cared for. I need to hear you tell me what you appreciate about me. You're free to choose your own phrasing or vary the compliment. In fact you'll need to vary what you say so it doesn't become trite or routine. Tell me your favorite features of mine. Or tell me how witty and entertaining I am. This goes both ways because I will also be appreciating wonderful and attractive aspects of you! 

2. Always hug or kiss me hello and goodbye. I'm affectionate. Get used to it. If we're with a group of people, you don't have to kiss me in front of them. We're definitely not going to be that gross couple that makes out in front of their friends, but there's a chance we might be that annoyingly cutesy couple that gives little pecks and holds hands all the time.

3. I must hear from you at least once every 24 hours. I know we're both busy, but at a minimum I need a text from you on days I don't see you. I worry about you. And if I have called or texted you, then you need to respond -- preferably within 12 hours, but definitely not more than 24 hours. After 25 hours I will wonder if you've been in an accident, which hospital you're in, if you have a secret double life, how many other women you're seeing, or I will simply be plotting your murder.

4. You need to make definite plans with me. I don't want to sit around wondering if we have a date. I know you think I'm spontaneous and fun and that I always look amazing with no effort, but I need time to get ready. I need to know what I'm wearing, if I'm shaving my legs, if I should eat dinner or if we're getting food. When you tell me specific details like date and time or location, I don't have to wonder if you're blowing me off. I know I'm going to see you again and then I get to look forward to seeing you instead of thinking about how you've broken rule #3 and I need to make your murder look like an accident.

5. Be willing to fight with me.  We're going to disagree about something at some point. You're going to hurt my feelings. I will do things that irritate you. That's just how relationships go, but when these things happen I need you to talk to me. Don't avoid me because I'm mad. That only gives my anger more time to percolate and boil over! And don't push your own feelings down because you don't want to deal with confrontation. I would like to know if I'm doing something that vexes you.

Also, I have been told by men that have seriously pissed me off that they were nervous to talk to me, but it was much easier talking to me than they thought. *References are available only upon request. 

6. Be willing to fight for me. At the beginning or prelude to a relationship there are sometimes problems like schedules, distance, other suitors, fear, or self-doubt. I'm a good catch. Tell me how you feel. Tell me what your afraid of. Fight through the obstacles and at least give "us" a real try. 

7. Hold me when I cry. A lot of guys are frightened by female displays of emotion, but as my boyfriend, you are obligated to care that I'm upset. Also, it's pretty rare for me to cry in front of other people so if you happen to see it you should feel a little honored that I trust you. And if you happen to have caused the tears--the quickest solution is still just to hold me. And then lie to me just this one time and tell me that I'm not an ugly crier.  

8. Do life as well as dates. I want to be romanced and for us to do new, fun things together. But I also want to see you in your natural habitat. I want to spend time with you in the kitchen, on the couch, and other rooms we may visit 😉. I want to go to the symphony with you, and I want to go to the grocery store with you. We need a balance of casual Netflix nights in and nights out on the town. It's really about the pleasure of your company. 

Notice: This is not an all encompassing list. It is subject to additions or change, and once subscribed to official boyfriend status you will receive updates via text or email. 

Tossed salad and scrambled eggs

After months of wondering where the intelligent, witty men had gone, I met someone who had a clever sense of humor, was educated, made delightful conversation, had kind of a sexy job-defuses bombs for a living [swoon], and we both loved the sitcom Frasier! 

This last trait may not sound like a noteworthy point to some of you, but to me in my fandom it revealed a depth of camaraderie. The only other person I know who shares my deep appreciation for Frasier is my sister who actually pleaded with me not to name this particular date after Frasier. Sorry, Sis. In my head I still call him "Fraiser Fan" even though I obviously know his real name.

Frasier Fan and I chatted for a week or two before deciding to meet up. Unfortunately, Frasier Fan suffers from a common male ailment- he sucks at making plans! We had a loosely outlined idea of meeting up for coffee or a drink one night, but then he "left his phone at work." So I didn't hear from him after I sent a late afternoon text asking if he had a place he'd like to meet. We didn't meet at all that night. In fact, I didn't hear from him for over 24 hours until he sent me a text joking about something going on at work. Seriously?! We're just going to pretend that you didn't blow me off last night? We're just going back to joking and conversating like nothing happened?

I called him out on his rudeness and he acknowledged his faux pas and apologized. Then he made a real plan to meet up for a date. 

We had a delightful evening sharing sushi and drinks, strolling downtown, browsing through an antique store, conversing with ease, and he rounded off the night with a gentlemanly hug and a request to see me again. 

He had made a good plan for this date, but I should note that at the last minute he changed our destination and that his phone was about to die when he texted his new location to me. It died completely when I arrived. So I was relieved that it wasn't ten minutes later when I confirmed where we were going. At this point, I was starting to get the feeling that Frasier Fan is one of those men with good intentions, but who needs a woman to organize him--a secretary, a mother, a girlfriend or wife- he needs someone to help!

Now, Frasier Fan had made a point of telling me a couple times that he'd be deployed out of the country for a month soon. So we tried to schedule another date before he left U.S. soil. But then he disappeared again. We had decided on a night that worked with both of our schedules, but then the day before we were supposed to see each other again I just didn't hear from him...again. I assume he left the country a few days later, and by this point I'm pretty sure he's now returned. 

I'm baffled why a man would initiate contact with me in the first place if he's got no follow through. If you're not interested, then I understand why you're ghosting me, but then you made an effort again. (Side note: ghosting is a term that's been coined in recent years to mean that a romantic interest disappeared and cut off all communication. I learned this term after the first time I was ghosted by "The Boss." See previous post) You wanted to see me. You wanted me to know that you'd be out not the country and out of contact so I wouldn't think you were ghosting me at that point. Are you seriously this disorganized that you can't schedule dates? Do you really forget your phone or forget to charge it on a regular basis?

Moral of today's story:

Frasier would not approve of this rudeness of ghosting. As many foibles as the man had in his own dating life, it's just not ok to disappear without saying a word. 

Get Your Roommate A Date!

Back in my good ol'college days, we used to have a tradition called "Get Your Roommate A Date" or as it was affectionately short handed, "Roommate Date." Roommate Date was when your entire dorm wing would plan a group date event where the ladies treat and your roommate had to man up and ask a guy out for you! 

We did things like go out for pizza and bowling, dinner and a movie, or some other typical date activity. I usually had good roommates who were able to snag a guy I was crushing on. One year though, I didn't have my sights set on anyone in particular, but Roommate and I heard of a group of guys someone on the wing was willing to dole out to whomever was in need. They were fun loving guys who enjoyed roommate dates- Sold! I'll take one of each! 

Well, one girl on our floor for some reason had to back out of our roommate date night, but none of these guys wanted to cancel and be left out. So I, being the good sport that I am, took one for the team and I offered to have two dates that night! 

The evening started out great with me wedged between my two dates in the back of my RA's car! I can't remember their names at this point, so let's call them Disappointment 1 and Disappointment 2. 

Disappointment 1 and Disappointment 2 were both chivalrous men and early into the date they would both try to open my door, pull out my chair, beat the other one to the gallant punch. However, this dissipated even before the salads were served. They were duds who wanted a free meal. They couldn't even hold an interesting conversation through dinner. I mean with two dates I should have had double the odds of one of them being interesting, but they mostly ended up talking to each other and ignoring me and the rest of my friends at the table.

Despite my last roommate date being a double flop, I've been thinking that perhaps it's time to team up with my new, fun, single, gal-pal roommate. (Although, she insists that we should call ourselves "housemates"  since the term "roommate" sounds like we're still in college in a one room dorm. So to clarify, we do have separate rooms.)

So far this new endeavor has involved Housemate chatting on my behalf with gentlemen such as my new Beitish boyfriend on Christian Mingle and randomly texting boys in my phone while we sip cocktails like we're Carrie and Miranda...or Samantha and Charlotte, I'm not sure yet. But I anticipate future posts coming out of Project Get Your Housemate A Date!

Moral Of Today's Story:

The best part about being single is having fun with your girlfriends. Expand the fun! Share more than your favorite hair products and beauty tips. Bring your friend what she really wants, a hot date! 

Good Resume

After finding nothing but old men and taken men for quite a while, I went on a date this week with someone single and my own age. On paper, everything looks great-job, home, similar faith, dog (not something I'm specifically looking for, but it indicates a level of caring and responsibility that's a plus), and no crazy baggage. Basically, he had the right resume.

Well, if you've been a regular reader, you can probably guess already that if he's good on paper, he's a dud when it comes to chemistry between us. Your guess is correct.

Good Resume must be the slowest move maker ever! It took over two months of emailing small talk type questions before he asked to meet for a drink. I had actually thought he would probably be more outgoing and dynamic in person since a lot of men just aren't good at emails or texts. Then we met for one dull hour of margaritas and face to face small talk. I still had time to stop at the grocery store and make it home to put on my sweatpants -all before 8pm!  

Three days later he texted to ask about my week. I thought it was strange that he didn't check to see if I got home that night or call to say how great it was to meet me, yada yada, [insert other compliments here]. 

I've been pre-conditioned to expect men to get to the point. Ordinarily, they tell me by the next day at the latest that they like me/want to see me again/are hoping(and only hoping!) for a booty call. 

Prior to our date, Good Resume made a point of saying  that for the first meeting, he likes to do something short and casual ie. coffee or a drink. So I'm not really sure how to play this hand. I'm definitely not interested, and I don't want to lead him on. But he hasn't actually stated that he would like to go out again so I'm not sure if this is just part of his slow process or what?

There is still the possibility that he's not interested in me, and he's only keeping the line open between us "just in case." But that's not likely. I don't say this out of arrogance as if every man falls in love with me - clearly, that's not the case! However, my intuition is almost never wrong. 

Moral Of Today's Story: 

Sometimes those with a Good Resume don't interview well. This applies in job interviews as well as dates. Also, in both job life and dating life, one should make a statement of interest for the position you desire. 

Unfortunately, I know who I want to fill the position in my life, but as of yet there have been no statements of wanting the position. What's a girl to do? 

Schrödinger's Text

In 1935, Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger proposed a thought paradox in which a cat is placed in a box with poisonous gas (or if you use Albert Einstein's suggestion, a keg of gunpowder). Until you open the box, the cat is both dead and alive. You are living in a mental state of duality even though you know it's only one or the other as a possible outcome. The cat can't really be dead and alive, but until you know for sure you have a duality.

I have never put a cat in a box with poison or gunpowder, but I have experienced a duality of thought. Am I mad? Or am I worried? Right now, I'm both!

When a certain man has been known to get very busy with work or other important things, sometimes he doesn't respond to phone calls or texts immediately. That's cool. I understand. However, said man always responds or reaches out within a reasonable amount of time - let's say within a few hours.

Now that it's been over 24 hours, I don't know if I should be worried that something terrible happened like the random shooting I heard about on the news, meaning he could be injured and lying in a hospital bed right now! Or slightly more mild, perhaps meetings went terribly at work and he's been up working all night! Or maybe his phone was stolen and he can't get a hold of me! Note to self:  must refrain from sending selfies until I confirm that a stranger does not have his phone...

On the other hand, in the 24 hours he's been without contact with me he could have met some other girl and decided he never wants to speak to me again! Maybe he just doesn't value me and therefore feels no need to respond to me - not even to let me know he's ok! Rude! Worst of all, perhaps he's been lying to me all along and he's married! He's probably canoodling with his wife right now!

Moral Of Today's Story:  ASSUME THE BEST! The cat could be dead. The cat could be alive. Try not to over-react until you know which reaction is appropriate. 
I'm hoping to open a text or receive a call soon that tells me which emotion is correct: mad or worried! But until then, I am just going to assume the best. Maybe I can put a cat in a box to distract myself...

What's your status?

If you watch movies or tv, read magazines or have even a moderate social life, then you are aware that this present day and age has been defined by the confusing state of our relationships. We've established a "hookup culture" that often leaves people emotionally stilted and unable to form real bonds. We also have a "hangout culture" where people can spend time together in undefined terms until one of them decides to cross the line into either commitment territory or hookup territory. We have such fluid states of relationship that nobody ever knows what's going on. Are we dating? Courting? Hanging out? In a relationship? 

There are some people who ask "what's the difference? Aren't those all the same?" And that's the tricky part. Yes, they could all be the same. But sometimes they're not. 

Courtship used to be clearly defined and even chaperoned. Now I'm certainly not asking for any chaperones on my outings, but I bet a lot of people would enjoy clearly outlined relationship objectives. 

The problem is that there is a period of time where both parties are unsure of exactly what they are and what they want. The not knowing is part of the mystery and the energy between couples. It adds to the flirtations, the intrigue and the daydreamed visions of all the possibilities. So maybe not knowing is actually a good thing...for a short while at least. 

Moral Of Today's Story:  If you want clear definitions, have a conversation. But if you realize that you're still figuring out how you feel/what you want, then keep on enjoying the thrill of the game. And when someone asks  "Are you dating? Courting? Hanging out? In a relationship?"  Just answer "yes."

Glad That Wasn't My Date

A few days ago, I was chillin'with The Boss at his place when we caught some live entertainment. And this time it was not the people in the Penthouse across the street who have no curtains...

Some of you may have heard the news that the next season of Cops! is going to be filmed in Omaha. Well, we caught the live show of that.

While standing by the balcony enjoying this unusually cool July breeze, The Boss and I spotted a couple walking down the sidewalk directly across the street from us. They were arguing loud enough that we could hear the gist of their disagreement seven floors up! Something about the woman walking away and something involving a daughter they have. As the woman kept trying to walk away from the man, he kept blocking her and eventually shoved her against a brick retaining wall. That's when The Boss called 911 to report the domestic disturbance. 

We watched the couple continue to argue and shove at each other as we silently prayed the cops would arrive quickly.  What seemed like ages later (but was probably five minutes), two officers came bounding over on foot from the nearby park where a live music event was happening.

 

They separated the couple and questioned them individually. In another moment a squad car pulled up. Then another squad car arrived. Then a fire truck, and eventually an ambulance appeared. The man was shackled in the back of the first squad car, and the woman was encircled by no less than 10 civil servants! She clearly was enjoying all the attention as she showed off her bruises to all the officers, firemen, and EMT's.

The Boss turned to me and said "There's your Omaha tax dollars at work! In Chicago you only get this kind of turn out for a shooting!"

We tore ourselves from gawking and decided to go enjoy a local Nebraska delicacy, Runza! Too bad we gawked so long that Runza closed for the night.

So on The Boss's Omaha bucket list we checked off "call local police" and "witness domestic disturbance." So we're probably just down to seeing the Henry Doorly Zoo and Runza before he heads back to Chi-Town. 

Moral Of Today's Story:  I'm so relieved that in all my "good lunch stories" nothing violent has ever happened to me. Real men don't hit. End of story. If they do, kick 'em in the junk and run away. 

Secondly, Runza closes earlier than other fast food places. So when you want to go on a Runza date, don't waste all night gawking at scene makers!

Shopping

When people find out that I write a blog about dating, I very often hear statements like "Wow! You must go on a lot of dates!"  While it's true that I go on a lot of dates, it does not mean that I am in as many dating relationships.

When a woman says she spent the day shopping, the normal follow up question is "What did you buy?" Or perhaps, "Did you buy anything?" 

When I go on a date, I am shopping for a man I'd like to keep. This isn't bargain hunting where you buy a bunch of crap you don't need because it was 75% off plus a coupon on top. I am not collecting men who will hang in the back of my closet but never be taken out. I do not look for the right size man and take home one in every color! 

When I shop for a product I wish to purchase, I might ask friends for referrals, I often look online for more information, and when possible I definitely want to see it in person and experience it for myself. I will not know if someone or something is right for me without at least one experience, and in many cases I need several experiences to know. 

I am shopping for one man who is especially high quality to last for years. I need him to be versatile, multi-seasonal, able to be dressed up or down, goes with every outfit I might wear and to every occasion I might go. This type of high end man is a big investment, but definitely worth the price tag. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I shop around.

Moral Of Today's Story:

It pays to shop around! Don't settle for the bargain bin just because you didn't peruse the whole store. 

And when you are shopping for a mate, I do believe that calling it a date is the best way to let both parties know you have the same end goal in mind. Don't leave room for ambiguity by calling it something else like "friendship" or "hanging out" or the one I hate the most "non-date!"

The Other Radar

Have you ever had someone who just won't let go of your heart strings? He can't seem to commit or be there when you really need him, but every time he does the slightest thing - like texts out of the blue, gives you a great compliment, calls, or anything - you want to drop whatever you're doing to connect with him. Ten other men could tell me I'm beautiful, but I still want to hear it from him. My Heart String has been stringing me along for two years. He doesn't seem to know for sure if he actually wants a relationship, but then he tells me I'm the only one he's interested in romantically. I usually don't write about things I don't feel like I understand, but I don't know if I'll ever understand Heart String.

If you've read even one or two entries on this blog, then you know that I have had a lot of "good lunch stories" but not so many good dates. The last time I had a good date, the relationship ended within a few weeks when he chose to break up with me through a text message. (See "From Post-it's To Texts," May 2014) When I came home from a great date with M, Heart String must have sensed something in the atmosphere with his radar because he contacted me that night and we talked and he said he still had feelings for me. I felt like I was at the plot twist in a romantic comedy. It always happens that when you think the girl has moved on to another guy, the old flame reappears and you don't know which guy to root for!

Heart String and I started talking more and getting reacquainted. I wanted to be open with M so I told him that I was talking to both of them, and he was ok with that. Meanwhile, for some reason the stars never aligned or Heart String didn't seem to have the time for quite a while to see me. Well, things ended with M, and I still hadn't actually seen Heart String even though we were in contact several times a week. (I had a very close relationship with my iPhone at this point! Technology-only relationships may be a future topic on here.)

Every time Heart String suggested something for us to do, I somehow knew it wouldn't really happen. And guess what? It didn't.

I'd still been talking to to him, but I could almost physically feel the fact that I was on the back burner when it came to his priorities. I started talking to a new guy last week, and we actually had two pretty great dates. Well, Heart String and his magical radar must have sensed that I could be moving on! He texted during my date to see if I wanted to get together. I saw his message when I got home later, and I responded then. When he asked what I had been up to that evening, I felt conflicted. Like I was cheating or something even though the relationship I'd been in was truly only with the screen of my iPhone. I told him that I'd had feelings for him for a long time, but it was clear to me that he didn't want anything real with me. He disagreed, but not enough to fight for me. He said he could appreciate the irony of the fact that I was out with another man when he was asking to see me (finally).  

I don't have a moral of today's story. Today, I only have the hope that if my new guy (whose blog name I haven't yet decided) gets a hold of one of my heart strings, then he'll treat it nicely. I'm tired of sitting on the back burner like a pot that rarely gets stirred.

Oh, and I also have the question of Heart String's radar. How does he know when I'm on a good date? One time was a coincidence, but two times is uncanny!

Radar

We always hear a lot about women having intuition, which I can verify is true. Men, however, have their own types of intuition that I like to call radars. They have a primitive animal instinct where they act on their senses without thinking it out and talking it out like women do based on their intuition. I don't know if these things are ever discussed - perhaps at the secret man cave meetings, but I think that when the radar goes off they all just know things and assume everyone else knows, too.

I've experienced a couple types of radars, and I'll tell you about one of them today. The first is one that I heard about through urban legend/one of my besties. Similar to the saying "once you go black, you never go back," she told me that once you show interest in or go out with a black guy then all the other black guys know. I thought this was kind of silly at the time she told me. How would anyone just know instinctively who I'm dating or open to dating? I always thought people are people. I never set out to look specifically for any ethnicity. I'm just looking for attractive, kind men. But at this point now in my experience, I would have to say that some guys must have a more finely tuned radar.

The first time I ever went out with a black guy, we were still in pre-date texting the week when all the other dudes came out of the woodwork! I was at a seminar for work and the only black guy in the room started flirting with me. I went to run errands and all the black guys in the stores were hitting on me. The lone black guy at the gas station stopped to tell me that I smelled like an angel. What happened? Did I flip a magic switch?

I texted my bestie and said "all the black guys are after me!" She was not surprised because she had been in several inter-racial dating scenes. She told me that's just what happens because they all think they have a chance with me now.

I was still a little confused about this phenomenon so I asked my guy friend who happens to be black about it. He said that "Yeah, it's just something you sense. You know if a girl only dates guys of her race or not." Honestly, he seemed a little surprised that I would ask such an apparently stupid question. Clearly, he operates on finely tuned instincts that do not even need to be discussed.

Well, some of you may be wondering what happened with the guy I went out with. We went on a few dates that actually went pretty well until his wife called me and asked me why my number kept showing up on her husband's phone. So the poo hit the fan, and that was the end of that! This was the first of, unfortunately, many times that I've had to state, "I do not date married men." Not once I know that they're married anyway.

Moral Of Today's Story: Everybody has some level of intuition or radar. Learn to tune yours in to the important things. For example, I am much better at figuring out if dudes are married when they ask me out now. You can also gain a much more accurate sense of who in the room is checking you out and who is open to approaching/being approached. In the words of Dr. Spock, "Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do."

Reading Between The Text Lines

There are many times that we women read into things that really should be taken at face value. This is especially true of communication with men. Men, unless they are purposely deceiving or manipulating you, will say what they mean. Men do not have the word games and mind games that women have concocted. That being said, there are some instances where men do not state everything on their minds. So here are a few insights into what that text or statement might really mean.

Text:

"Good morning, beautiful!"

His thoughts:

"I woke up and immediately thought of you."
                 -or-
"I think you're beautiful."
                 -or-
 "I'm currently picturing you naked."

Text:

"Hey"

His thoughts:

"I don't know what to say, but I wanted to connect with you."
                 -or-
"It's been a while and you're probably mad at me so I'm venturing to communicate by just saying 'hey.'"
                 -or-
 "I'm currently picturing you naked."

Text:

"I'm so sorry I didn't get back to you. I misplaced my phone and couldn't find it until late last night!"

His thoughts:

"I was out with another girl, but I want to keep you both as options. Losing my phone sounds plausible. Yeah, I'll just say that's what happened."
                 -or-
"OMG, I really did lose my phone, but it sounds so fake! She's going to think I'm lying! Arg!"
                 -or-
"I'm currently picturing you naked."


Text:

"We should meet up for coffee or a drink sometime."

His Thoughts:

"I wonder if she prefers a latte or a macchiato. Maybe we'll try that new coffee shop"
                 -or-
"I don't necessarily mean anytime soon. But I'd like to string you along and have my options open for a while."
                 -or-
"I'm terrible at scheduling, but maybe she has a good suggestion for time and place."
                 -or-
"I'm currently picturing you naked."



Text:

"What are you wearing?"

His Thoughts:

"I'm currently picturing you naked."


Moral Of Today's Story:
You don't always know what someone means when he writes behind the mask of his phone. Assume the best. Most often, guys say what they mean. Just be aware that there are, unfortunately, some guys who don't have honest intentions. Trust your instincts. You know more than you think you do.

Mr. Checklist

I went on a coffee date recently with a man who was very preoccupied with how many "points" he was getting and how many "boxes on the checklist" he was marking. They were fair questions, and I've been asked similar things before - just maybe a little less so from some others. 

I told him that I used to have a checklist, but I threw it out after I met a few guys who checked all the boxes. On paper, they made perfect sense, but in reality I just didn't feel a spark. Maybe the criteria I'm looking for can't be measured only with paper. (Oh look, an argument against standardized testing. Wait, that's not what this blog is about...)

I literally did have a paper checklist. Some of those so-called "experts" who write dating books have suggested writing lists of what you're looking for in a mate. I even recall writing lists as a group activity in my dorm devotions during my freshman year. (This would, again, be the influence of a confused Christian society. Darn that Joshua Harris!)

While knowing what you must have and what you simply cannot live with in a mate is necessary, there are intangible things that couldn't possibly be written on paper. 

Mr. Checklist was a nice guy although perhaps a little too eager to please. When I turned down his offer for a second date, he asked if I would tell him what he could have done better so he could learn for the next time. I told him he didn't do anything wrong, I just rely on my intuition over lists anymore. There's just a chemistry that you either feel or you don't feel. There's no way to fake it. Good chemistry is an immediate and illogical sense that you already know someone and you are completely comfortable being yourself with him. 

I used to have the philosophy that if I just took more time to get to know someone, then I could perhaps develop feelings of chemistry. I can't. Maybe some people can. But for me, I usually know right off the bat - even if it is sometimes in retrospect when I realize I knew all along. 

Moral Of Today's Story: Use your checklist as a starting point - perhaps even a pre-screening questionnaire. But when you're with him, listen to your instincts. Do you feel illogically and irrevocably connected? Good. That's chemistry. Or in the words of Carrie Bradshaw, it's "the zazazu!" 

The Real Non-Date

I've mentioned the non-date phenomenon before (see Christians Who Mingle) and how some people use that term basically for fear of rejection after a real date. Well, if you're really on a non-date, you simply think -and call it- that you're hanging out. Nosy Nellies who are observing may want to put labels on things so maybe that's where the "non-date" originated. 

Recently, I attended a wedding unaccompanied. I knew I would be hanging out with some single friends in the bridal party at the reception so I didn't worry about bringing someone for the sake of bringing someone. 

One of my guy friends who was unattached at that time was also there so we mingled together and we were seated at the same table. Suddenly strangers and vaguely familiar acquaintances wanted to know how long we'd been together. Where did we meet? Someone I just met told me that my friend and I would have beautiful red-headed children together! That's not too personal at all! And people I'd met several times before but had forgotten me now wanted to introduce themselves to me because apparently now I was important! (Clearly my friend is much more memorable to this crowd than I was) 

Later in the evening I was talking to a few friends about a date I had scheduled in a couple days. I could see the Nosy Nellies looking perplexed as they eavesdropped. They must've wondered if I was just so liberated that I feel at ease talking to all my boyfriends about my other boyfriends!

Don't be silly. My boyfriends don't know about each other unless they ask. 

This situation reminded me of my freshman year in college when I had a guy friend in all the same classes as me. We got to be good friends, which was nice since I would have had to see him all day anyway. And truthfully, I did have a huge crush on him, but nothing ever happened. The strange thing was that people were always asking me what was going on between us. "Are you dating? Is he your boyfriend? You're always with that tall guy. Is he your brother or your boyfriend?" I guess that person thought there were only two options for male roles. 

I would have expected my friends to be nosy about our status, but not strangers on the sidewalk. 

Moral Of Today's Story: If you don't know someone, then you probably don't need to ask about their relationship status. Especially mine because my life is pretty much just an open blog now. Seriously though, it comes across like you're a creepy stranger when you walk up to someone and start asking personal questions without so much as a "how do you do."

The Interview

First dates have often been compared to job interviews and vice-versa. When you prepare for a job interview, you think of what you want out of the position, expectations, and things you're willing to sacrifice for a great job. When I go on a date, I often think about the same things. Positions-well maybe I don't think about that one on the first date- expectations, and sacrifices I'd be willing to make for a great relationship.

For both occasions,you carefully choose what you'll wear, consider the message the length of your skirt sends, and find the right balance of not too much makeup and not too little. On the interview you hope to look competent, professional, and intelligent. On a date, you hope to look attractive, sexy-but-not-slutty, and again intelligent.

Job interviews and first dates have a long list of similarities when you start to think about it, but hopefully the date is more fun than the interview. For one thing, having a drink is usually not acceptable on an interview but more than fine on a date!

When I met Hair Gel, I was rebounding from Mr. Nice Guy (see previous post). I had a hard time remembering his name even at that time, but I will never forget the scent of his hair gel that so thickly coated his hair. 

I met Hair Gel at Starbucks and he gave me his spiel. He had just finished grad school and was moving to New York in two months to take a job. He was excited about going to New York, but had decided he would like to find a wife with good ol' Midwestern values. His objective then was to find a suitable candidate in the time he was still in Nebraska and then he would like to move her to New York shortly after he was settled, assuming she was ready. Well, no pressure there. 

At the end of our evening, he shook my hand and said he found me very interesting and would like to meet with me again. I barely managed to refrain from calling him "sir" in my reply. I had passed the first test! I'm a nice Nebraska girl with real Midwestern values that transfer to New York.  

The next day, he called and thanked me for our date. He said "I find you attractive and interesting, and I would very much like to take you out again."  I agreed and we went out a couple more times actually. After those couple dates, I ended things for two reasons. 1. I really wasn't over Mr. Nice Guy yet, and 2. I couldn't stand the smell of Hair Gel's hair gel. I felt like I was wrapped in a cloud of it every time I stood near him!

Moral Of Today's Story:  Dating should be a lot more fun than work. While I appreciated some aspects of his business-like demeanor, I personally don't think any good date should end with a hand shake. That's usually how I end dates where I'm not even willing to hug the man. And men, if you want women to get close to you for more than the handshake, make sure you don't overload your hair with smelly gel!

It's not you, it's me

After a slew of bad dates including Tiny Hand and Señor Gimpy, I met Mr. Romantic. Mr. Romantic said all the right things and did all the right things. He took me on very romantic and well-planned dates.He had all his limbs and didn't even hobble when he walked. He was respectful even while we perused an art gallery with pieces that provoked somewhat inappropriate humor from me. He laughed and loosened up a bit when I cracked the first "that's what she said" joke. The problem was I just didn't like him.

The first sign was that after our first date, I was much more excited about the restaurant than the man. The restaurant we went to had been reviewed by the Food Network and this was my first time there. Afterwards, I told my friends about the truffle risotto before I described Mr. Romantic. It occurred to me that perhaps my priorities were skewed...but on the other hand, good risotto is hard to find.

 On our second date, he took me miniature golfing, then to dinner, then on a scenic stroll around the Lincoln Haymarket where he kissed me just as the sun was setting. It should have been ideal. A date like that with a perfectly timed kiss should have been playing on repeat in my mind, but it wasn't. There were no sparks.

I couldn't figure out why I just wasn't into him, but I thought maybe we just needed time. Maybe I've been on so many bad dates that I'm in shock over being on good dates. Maybe I prefer the drama of jerks and cheaters....No, that's not it.

Well, later that night, he told me about his living situation. He and his ex-fiance had bought a house together, and for some complicated reasons they couldn't sell it at that time. In short, he was still living in the same house as his fiance. He explained that they were more like roommates with their own spaces now, but that was still a big red flag for me.

I cancelled our next date and told him I couldn't see him when he was still entangled with his ex-fiance. Truthfully, I was a little relieved to have a real reason to not see him. And then I realized, that my feelings are real and they are reason enough. I would've come to that conclusion fairly soon anyway, but sometimes you just have to trust your gut in the first place.

Moral Of Today's Story:  Just because someone is nice doesn't mean you have to date them. They might check off all the boxes on your metaphorical list, but it's the intangibles that make you fall in love with someone. You can't rationalize yourself to have feelings for the nice guy, and you can't rationalize yourself out of feelings for that bad boy. But either way, cohabiting with an ex should be a rational reason not to pursue a relationship.

The Professor

A few weeks ago, I met Professor. He actually is a professor, but I'm not going to tell of what or where. Before you start thinking that I have a geezer complex, he was not one of my professors who all happened to be much older than me. He is about my age. (If I'm going to date geezers, they're going to have to be quite wealthy! Just kidding...kind of)

Professor had a busy schedule, lived in Lincoln (about 50 minutes away), and was going out of town that week for a conference on his subject matter. He was also critiquing others' work since he was visiting as another expert at the conference. While I'm not into geezers, I definitely have a thing for men with any type of authority, success or specialized expertise!

Now, Professor was another that I had met online so we had been mostly texting and trying to arrange a meeting time when he would arrive back from his conference. He is a rather poor planner like so many men are these days. We had talked about getting together on a Saturday evening after he landed in Omaha at 5pm, but that was all I knew. I had tried to politely question back on Thursday and Friday if we were still on for Saturday evening or what he had in mind, what area of town he wanted to meet in???  He gave me such brief responses, I thought he must be the strong but silent type - a real man of few words. I stated as much to him, and he said to just wait until I met him. I figured he must not be a wordy texter then. Still, I could use a few more details.

Well, he had texted sporadically the past few days and I had another invitation to a birthday party that evening. (I will always have other things to do so if you want to make plans with me, then make plans with me!) So when he texted that he had landed and still wanted to meet, I told him it would have to be short and sweet before my next event.

We met for drinks at a wine bar out West, and we had a great time. He was much more talkative in person than in his abridged texts. I stayed a little longer than I planned and was a few minutes late to my next engagement, and we continued to talk/text throughout the evening while I was at my event and he had to drive home to Lincoln.

In his texts the following week, he sent a few pics and very few words. Pics of him just at work, in the car, laying down watching tv, who knows. I guess he was telling me about his day and what he was doing through pictures. We had talked about meeting up in Lincoln after I was going to be there to visit my best friend anyway, but he just didn't get back to me for a few days. Well, whatever. I'm not going to keep hounding anyone to make plans with me. I'm available when/if you make some effort.

So while I was with my best friend on said day, he sent me a pic of him golfing. I hadn't heard from him in a couple days, but now apparently I needed to know that he was golfing. We chatted again about meeting up later, and I told him that I was going to babysit for my friend for a bit but would be free by 8pm. He made some references to my sneaking him in while I babysat - as if we're a couple horny teenagers trying to make out when the kids are asleep, but then that was the last I heard from him.

I'm not really upset that Professor apparently didn't want to see me after all. I'm more annoyed because he wasted my time trying to make plans but had no follow through.

Today's Moral Of The Story:  Men, if you want to make plans with a woman, then make real plans. Be succinct, not vague. It doesn't come across as playing hard to get, rather it seems that you are hard to communicate with. And if you don't really want to make plans, then don't pretend. We've all got better things to do than play along.

Married But Dating: Part 2

Pat Benatar had it right when she sang "Love is a Battlefield." But that was 30 years ago, and she didn't even know the half of it! The terrain of this battlefield is getting more and more difficult to navigate each year.

There used to be just three basic statuses: married, single, and lying-cheating-adulterers. But is it adultery now if your spouse gives you permission?  If there's no lying, is it cheating?

Yesterday, I was doing a little surfing on Tinder, and I came across a picture of a man who was clearly wearing a wedding band in his profile pic. He would have been my type minus the ring - preppy dresser, cute, looked smart. I swiped right (right = like, left = no way) out of morbid curiosity. I expected him to be upfront about his intentions since his ring was visible, and he was. (Actually, that's something I really appreciate about married men. They're so open and easy to talk to. Not pushy or manipulative like a lot of single guys. I really enjoyed our chat!)

Anyway, back to what happened. First, I questioned the ring and if he was still married. He gave me his spiel. This Risque Businessman travels for work and "plays" with other women and couples on his business trips. He's been married for ten years and has four children. Risque says his wife has become asexual (sounds like it's due to some medications) and since he is very sexual, she knows about his escapades. He has been playing on the side for one year now.

He had looked at my profile, which actually states that I'm not into hookups and I don't date married men. (I wonder if Pat Benatar had to state these things up front to men?) He said he figured I wouldn't be interested but asked if I wanted to hook up since I had swiped right on him. I confessed that it was my morbid curiosity that started this, and he was kind enough to let me ask a few questions.

Usually, Risque Businessman prefers hotwife and cuckold couples. If you don't want to know the brief description, then skip to the next paragraph. I did not know what these terms meant, but apparently hotwife is when he and the husband pleasure the wife, making her feel worshipped as a sexual goddess. And cuckold couples are ones where the husbands are submissive and like to watch. He also told me that he had a date with a cuckold couple last night - I did not do any follow up to see how their night went.

I've been noticing more and more of this married but dating phenomenon, and I asked him if there are a lot of people who are open about these preferences. He said there are enough that he can be selective about whom he chooses. And oddly, the smaller areas like here in Omaha, Nebraska have more kinksters than bigger cities like Chicago and D.C. Is this what the Nebraska tourism board had in mind with the new slogan "Nebraska Nice" ????

Risque said he prefers to play with couples versus single women who often get attached. I asked how his wife feels about this, and he compared it to sushi. His wife doesn't like sushi so he has sushi with other friends who enjoy it. Likewise, she doesn't enjoy sex any longer so he has sex with other friends, too.

I can follow the logic, but nobody stands up in front of God and earthly witnesses to say they only want to have sushi with one person until death do they part! Right? I'm not missing out on sushi ceremonies?

He further explained that his wife saw how miserable and moody he was when they weren't having enough sex. Now he's happy most of the time, and they still do other things that she loves together.

Well, that really told me more about him than her. This situation is new, but the attitude is typical man. "I'm happy and since the world revolves around me, she's happy simply because I am."  He said that they almost split up because of their sexual issues so it's clear that she's ignoring his dalliances to hold onto whatever's left of their marriage. It sucks to get divorced, but it must suck a little bit less for the time being to turn a blind eye on her husbands sexcapades.

I could be wrong. Maybe she is not bothered at all that the man who vowed to love her forever is doing raunchy things to strangers in strange cities. I truly hope that they are happy, but my instincts are very rarely wrong.

Moral Of Today's Story:  There's a reason that the phrase "for better or for worse" is included in marriage vows. And for this situation, I'm going to repeat some advice from a Kindergarten class "USE YOUR WORDS!" My personal values aside, I truly believe he's trying to achieve a win-win situation. This man has been very honest and used his words to say what he wanted, but I suspect that his wife is not being honest about her feelings on the matter.

Insanity

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result. This definition is especially true in dating. Off again/on again type relationships are the definition of relationship insanity, and I have yet to see one of these situations pan out.  While I wish I could say that I was so cunning that I never made the same mistake twice, I am at least glad to say that I have a short list of relationship repeats.

One of my relationship repeats was Mr. Look-What-I-Can-Do. He needed a lot of attention and approval. This was something that I didn't recognize right away because it really just came out in group situations (One more reason you should have your friends evaluate your new love interest!) I met him through church friends, but for some reason I got to know him more in one on one settings at first.

One on one we had a great time, but when we added in other people, I was often embarrassed of his cheesy, attention-seeking behavior. He would talk about minor accomplishments in a bragging way or he would show me things he could do on the computer that those of us who don't have techie jobs probably don't know how to do. If I wanted to know more about computers, then I would figure it out. I didn't even think most of those skills were very impressive, but when he tooted his own horn it was really unattractive.

Well, I never had very long to evaluate the negative aspects of our dynamic because he would disappear every few dates. We would go out and hang out a few times, and then he would freak out a little bit about being in a relationship and disappear.

He would come back and tell me he missed me and was ready to be committed to me. He even whispered, "I love you" one night when he came to ask if we could get back together. But it was so soft I asked him to repeat what he said, and then he didn't repeat it. The next day I met the woman he had spent the night with 24 hours before he tried to reunite with me. He apparently thought he could break up with her by just being vague in his responses to her and saying he was too busy to hang out. Well, she didn't understand that he had moved on. He was hanging out with me, and she just showed up since he wasn't responding to her. That's when all the poo hit the fan.

Suffice it to say that I also didn't understand his poor etiquette and callous use of this poor woman - and me! So he ended up with neither of us after that.

Months later, he came to tell me again that he was ready for a serious relationship with me. He apologized for all of his past mistakes, and he seemed more grounded and sincere this time. At this point, however, I was finally smart enough to see that he shouldn't be able to treat me like a toy. - to pick me up whenever he wants to play with me and put me down whenever he's bored.  I told him thanks, but no thanks. I was done giving attention to Mr. Look-What-I-Can-Do.

A month later, he met another girl, and he married her not too long after that. I guess the last time he said he was ready, he really meant it. He really was ready to be in a grown-up relationship. But I'm so glad that it's not with me.

 I've met his wife several times, and she doesn't have any idea that he told me he loved me or of the relationship that we had. She actually overheard a conversation between me and another friend about running into an ex with his wife at a party and how he acted really awkward around me. And then she joined the conversation, laughing and talking about how that must have been an awkward ride home for my ex and his wife. I realized then that she was clueless that her husband was also my ex. Maybe she doesn't need to know details, but I would never want to be in a marriage where my husband wasn't completely honest about his past with me.

Moral Of Today's Story:  Turn your off again/on again relationship off, and then don't turn it on again. Insane asylums have improved drastically in the past few decades, but there's no reason to jeopardize your mental health. The reason it ended at all is not because you had too much unconditional love, stability, and similarities. It was a bad relationship. Move on.